John and Rodney watch A Dog's Breakfast. *spoilers galore*

[icarus]

John and Rodney watch A Dog's Breakfast.


John folds his arms as Rodney pops the DVD into John's computer and the movie begins. "I dunno, Rodney...."

"Shh! Be quiet, I happen to know this guy."

"I can see the similarity...."

"I mean the director. Now shut up."

Ten minutes in, John squints at the screen. "I get that the guy is quirky but this thing's not going anywhere."

Rodney looks at him, chin raised defiantly. "Well, not everything is car wrecks and chase scenes. I swear, I can't take you to a movie where something doesn't blow up."

John says, "That's Teyla. And did you notice that while we were arguing we didn't miss anything?"

Rodney scowls at him.

Patrick learns that his sister is getting married. A blurry Patrick in the background throws a fit. John snorts.

"Aha! You thought that was funny."

"It was amusing." John holds out a forestalling hand. "Funny is going a little too far. I'll grant you, the camera work is good. I don't know why, but I crack up every time they cut to that ugly brown house."

Rodney beams. "See? Told you you'd love it."

John wisely says nothing.

Patrick attempts various odd ways to kill Ryan.

John says, "Oh. I get it. This is like a live action Road Runner cartoon."

Rodney's eyes slant to him. "And you like Road Runner, correct?"

"Everyone likes the Road Runner. Although I always felt a little sorry for Wile E. Coyote myself." John smirks.

"Always one for the underdog," Rodney comments.

Patrick swings his ax and hits himself.

John says, "Ow. Now that ax had to hurt. I've done that before."

"What?"

"Not that hard, mind you. But it was pretty close," John says.

"You're like a moth to a flame. Nuclear bombs, alien spacecraft, axes...." Rodney says.

"Quirky Guy there was holding it all wrong, too," John said. "And you notice we haven't missed anything while we talk?" Then he brightens. "Hey. If the guy offs himself then the movie'll be over and we can watch something else."

"Shut up." Rodney scowled. "I think it's a great movie."

"I really don't care much about Quirky Guy here. And I think his sister's mean. Maybe that's why he's nutty." John frowns.

John perks up once a body is involved. As Ryan's corpse is buried he says, pointing at the screen, "I bet that dog's gonna dig him up."

Rodney smiles. "So you like it."

"It's starting to get interesting," John admits with a noncommittal tip of his head, digging into his popcorn.

As the body shows up wrapped in Christmas lights, John suggests, "What if Nutty Guy is just losing it and there is no Ryan? He's just watched the TV show Starcrossed and made it all up in his head?"

Rodney shoots him a strange look.

John shrugs. "It could happen."

The cop shows up and Patrick jumps out the window in the nude.

Rodney points at John. "I saw that! That was clearly a snicker!"

John shrugs. "So, nudity is funny. Plus that cop totally looks like the actor who plays Ryan. Now shut up, I'm trying to watch a movie here."

Patrick's sister reminisces about how Patrick used to walk her to school.

John snorts. "Translation: someone finally realized that none of the characters are likeable so they threw this in here at the last minute. Show-don't-tell, guys." He throws a piece of popcorn at the screen.

"You care about the characters," Rodney says, eyes going wide. His voice is plaintive. "Don't you?"

"I like the one that looks like you, Rodney," John says in a mild sarcastic voice.

Rodney blinks, mystified. "Which one is that? Ryan?"

John wisely says nothing.

Patrick's sister finds the body in Patrick's bed. John leans forward. "She doesn't seem all that upset about it. I mean, her fiance is dead."

Rodney starts snickering.

"You've seen this before, haven't you?" John turns to him, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Rodney holds up a hand, beaming and smug. "Don't ask me for spoilers."

John leans back to watch.

Patrick's sister puts the chopped up pieces of Ryan in front of the dog, a horrified Patrick behind her.

"Ugh! That's nasty!" John laughs, grinning as he sits forward. He munches more popcorn. "This is brilliant. I wonder why mass murderers haven't thought of this?"

"There was a pig farm in Vancouver, actually...." Rodney begins.

John holds up both hands. "Okay, I don't want to hear about that."

"Right. Focus on the movie." Rodney nods, leaning his chin on his fist.

Then the whole plot is revealed.

"I totally called that," John says triumphantly. "Remember when I said that the cop looked like Ryan?"

"Hmm. I wouldn't exactly consider that 'calling it' exactly," Rodney says.

"No, no, no. I knew that had to be Ryan," John insists.

"Well, you didn't say it out loud so it doesn't count." Rodney pouts.

"Does, too."

"Does not. Calling it requires a full revelation all plot details or else it's left wide open to cheating." Rodney lifts his chin. "And that would be unfair."

John pouts and says, "Well. Then next time I'll say it out loud."

"There."

"And spoil the plot for everyone." John nods and gives Rodney a pointed look. "Also, Patrick's sister is now officially a total bitch. And Ryan, too," he adds as an afterthought. "Why is Patrick taking all this lying down? I'd be pissed. By now there would be bodies -- two of them."

"Not everyone thinks that violence is a solution to everything," Rodney says primly.

"I'm just saying," John amends with utmost patience. "That they're wrapping things up a little nice and neat here. It doesn't make emotional sense. In reality, Patrick would be pretty hurt. No. Make that really hurt."

"It's a farce! It's supposed to be light and funny. It's not supposed to be realistic." Rodney huffs and folds his arms over his chest. "I give up. American Hollywood garbage has ruined your palate for anything subtle."

John points at the screen as the credits roll. "That was not subtle."

"You just don't get British humour."

"I can almost hear how that was spelled. And no, maybe I don't. But I did get this movie."

Rodney looks genuinely upset. "You really didn't like it?"

"I didn't say that." John explains. "I thought the directing and camera shots were great, the acting was good – everyone looks like they're having a good time, like that It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World movie –"

"Now that was a great movie," Rodney agrees.

"Yeah. And the music fit. It's just that the script..." He shrugs, bobbing his head. "...had some holes."

"So you didn't hate it?" Rodney asks, plaintive.

"It was fine, Rodney," John says tiredly. He pops the DVD out of the computer.

"Because there's a long list on Atlantis for this movie and only because of me did you get to see it first," Rodney points out, putting the DVD in the case.

John sighs. "I'm not going to watch it again, but I'm not going to use it as a coaster either."

"Maybe if it had a car chase or two," Rodney snipes bitterly.

"Hey. There are some pretty good movies with car chases," John says, smiling as he holds the door open for Rodney.

"I take it next time I should bring James Bond?" In the hall Rodney straightens himself to his full height, clearly miffed.

John snaps his fingers. "Casino Royale. The ultimate James Bond."