Thesis issues.

[icarus]

So my thesis proposal is due this Tuesday. This is a proposal that will go to a committee who will decide if my project is worth working on. Then, if accepted, I will be spending the next year on this topic.

I originally wanted to research the history of tantric Buddhism, find the connections between tantric Buddhism and Indian esoteric Buddhism. But my professor wanted me to ask a why question. She said, "Your question is about definitions and the committee doesn't want that."

So I struggled to come up with a "why" question on the subject of a religion where the Buddha, when asked 14 different "why" questions, remained utterly silent. On a subject where "why" is utterly irrelevant. Why? Because you want to get enlightened, because suffering exists and you want it to end, that's why.

I didn't want to ask a "why" question.

So I tried to find something that worked for her (and the committee). The main problem being that although I'm in the International Studies, my subject is really more in the field of Asian Languages and Literature.

I found that I did have access to data on empowerments and initiations, and that no one had studied them. Okay. Maybe I could go there.

But. No one had studied them for good reason. They're secret. I worked up a few sections of the proposal, using that as my source of data, and my qualms started growing other qualms. I justified looking at this information as data because some of it had been made public by Buddhist teachers. I decided I could use that as my guideline as to what could be treated and secret and what couldn't.

Finally, I couldn't ignore those qualms. I had an ethical dilemma.

I spoke to my professor. She didn't see it as an ethical dilemma. Fuck. Every Buddhologist out there calls it an ethical issue. Conze (very famous non-Buddhist Marxist Sanskrit translator) calls it an ethical issue. If you give your word to keep something private, even in an ordinary situation, breaking your word is unethical. THIS IS NOT THE QUESTION I WANTED TO ADDRESS IN THE FIRST PLACE. I didn't yell at her. I don't call myself calm. When people tell me astounding things I tend to just stare at them and wonder, "am I the one wrong here?" But no, no, I'm not.

So we shifted the topic to "secrecy" in tantric Buddhism. And I am so, so, so very bored with this topic. Because this is of no interest to me whatsoever. It is not an important issue in the field of Buddhist studies. It hasn't been studied much that I can tell, but largely because no one cares.

Including me.

How did I get redirected from my initial fascinating historical project on the roots of tantric Buddhism and its transference from India to Tibet, into "Why are Secret Practices Secret"? Although yes, I agree, most of the misunderstanding about tantra comes from its secrecy. Of course it does.

Fine, fine, secrecy. I'll have to cobble together a new theoretical model based on semiotics, memory studies, and -- of all things -- medical studies of how people attempt to describe indescribable experiences like severe pain.

I have to (re)write 25 pages of a topic that I don't care about, that no one in Buddhology cares about, where the two theoretical models that apply to it (not that I have much reading in this area because I was planning to do a history project) pretend that spiritual systems exist only for social reasons and have nothing at the core. Today.

*curses a long blue streak*

I've been avoiding this all week.


ETA: There's one thing I trust about my professor. Her students have consistently brought down the house with their honors theses. They win the prizes every year--to the point where it's been proposed that our program be excluded from the competition because too many from it win. So I know she's right when it comes to what scholars in International Studies want to see.

ETA2: I feel like I've totally failed and that there's no way I can do this. If I tell wildernessguru my issues, he will equate them to his own negative experiences in school (his parents were both teachers and therefore had no perspective when it came to their own kinetic-learning-style kid and totally wrecked his education). He'll just tell me "You're not capable."

ETA3: No, no, no, the musician downstairs may not use today to sing off-key. No.

Comments

[enname.livejournal.com]

You know, I hate and loathe it when professors exercise their own sense of 'right' and 'wrong' on a topic. I loathe it. Just because they feel that it can't work or won't be what a panel is looking for, doesn't mean that it should be ditched altogether. Working on something that does not interest you is about as bad as something that may not be liked by the international scholars. All I can say is that I am lucky my supervisor lets me do whatever I get into my head, especially how I routinely get very senior academics telling me to stop studying what I am studying because it is too 'esoteric' and 'pointless.'

Why questions are only popular because they mimic the 'scientific method' and give a thin veneer of objective rationality to any paper, locking down academic style and ignoring any other form of dissertation as 'shabby', irrational and pointless. *mutters some very rude things in here about style, pseudo enlightenment rationale and academic format not fitting every thesis*

That is.. weird. Looking at why ethical dilemmas are met with silence is.. no where near what you originally wanted, and I have no idea why your lecturer thought it would be remotely good for you to do. She should have suggested that you try to rework your original interested into a why question. That would be the only thing I can suggest (not doing what I would do and just do what I want without paying any heed to anyone else, perhaps not the best idea) is re posing what you originally wanted to do as a 'why' question, to go with your gut feeling. Surely there must be a reason 'why' you wanted to define these things? Then use that as the question for the thesis. Work backwards from methodology to problematique. Pick a possible interesting connection between the two different strands, or a problem that is answered by writing about the two and redefining them. Or (I am not sure what parameters you are allowed to write in).. you say you are interested in literature side of things... pick several specific texts and set up a why question as to different/individual characteristics.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Right now I'm just stuck. I have two approaches I can take. One: do what she says and go with the secrecy angle. I have an interesting theory. But I don't care about the topic. Not even remotely.

Two: go with my original topic, with the understanding that it's too broad and that this will probably be the end of my time in honors.

Right now I'm doing three: stare at the computer and ruminate.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh, now wildernessguru thinks I should give up and not do it. And, in fact, that I should never have applied to the program in the first place.

[enname.livejournal.com]

... well that is about as helpful as suggesting weeding as a solution. What the hell? Of course you should have, just because you are encountering a veritable mountain to scale does not mean it was all a bad idea.