Advice From A Self-Taught Cook

[icarus]

There are people in this world who grew up around Those Who Can Cook. They absorbed the rules and rights and wrongs of cooking along with all those little lessons like, "don't open the bottom of the box of cereal" and "don't open the pop can right after you dropped it."

Then there is the Rest of Us.

The ones who grew up with keys to the house, whose moms came home from work after we got home from school. Dominos was on the speed-dialer, and we knew what time of year to expect the MacDonald's Monopoly Game. Lean Cuisine stocked the freezer, and the stove was primarily used to boil water for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

Once a year, we'd go to grandmas, or our aunt's, and be surrounded by the mystery of cooking. But, in the urgency of Thanksgiving, we were mostly underfoot or asked to help peel - yikes! - 30 pounds of potatoes. Even if mom knew how (mine didn't but wouldn't admit it) we never learned to cook.

I was determined to learn. Cooks gave me useless advice about fileting (huh?), while leaving out those little things that "everyone just knew" (what do you mean that I shouldn't turn the skillet on High to heat it up for stir fry? Won't that warm it faster?).

So in honour of hp_femme and those valiant Novice cooks picking up their first spatula, here are Those Things I Learned That No One Bothered To Explain.

The trick to learning to cook is this:

#1 - Get cookbook.

Okay. That's easy. But -- eep! The cookbooks people recommend! Get The Joy of Cooking. It looks thick and intimidating, but it's mostly easy recipes and - get this - explanations of why your stuff came out the way it did. It's a cook's manual, really. And it's rather tongue-in-cheek, like Miss Manners.

#2 - Pick out three recipes you'd like to try.

Not just one recipe. Three. Because one recipe becomes A Project, you find you try to pick out something "cool" and then it's such a hassle you give it up after one attempt. The best foods are usually easy. Thank God. Hint (and here's something the "cooks" never think to mention): if it has ingredients you like, you'll probably like the result. But if it has even one thing in it that you don't like, don't bother. Hey, I had to learn that one the hard way!

#3 - Buy ingredients.

Now this may seem self-explanatory, but it's not. See, the way us normal-non-cooking people shop, we buy enough milk and cereal to get through the week, and a few familiar items. Then, when it comes time to Buy Ingredients To Cook we do a separate run to the store (or several stores) asking people, "is this lemon grass?" But if you pick a few recipes that use the same stuff, then you're buying, say, potatoes, the same way you buy bread. Then those recipes (make them easy!) melt into your life and whenever you shop you buy potatoes along with that box of cereal. The trick is this: to have the ingredients on hand all the time instead of making a special run. And yes, a couple times you'll have to fumigate before you remember to cook enough to use it all.

#4 - Cook.

Now this is the scary part. Those "cooking" people don't realise this, but that room they are so comfortable in looks to us like, oh, a Kung-Fu studio loaded with complex and confusing weapons. And we're wearing those little white pyjamas with the word NOVICE stamped on our foreheads. No doubt, if the squirrels are looking in on us, they will laugh. Or so we think.

For the cooking process you need one of two things, either:
a) An understanding cooking coach who will stand back and let you do stuff (without laughing or looking shocked when you ask what a cheese grater is); or
b) NO WITNESSES.

I usually go for b, frankly.

- Carefully scan your recipe looking for Odd Equipment.
The novice kitchen usually doesn't have a potato peeler or a food processor or what-have-you. In fact the novice kitchen often has only a set of steak knives and paper plates and may even lack a cutting board. Many of things you can work around until you're able to get to IKEA. *g* (The nice thing about The Joy of Cooking, which wildernessguru - another novice cook - swears by, is that it has diagrams of cooking equipment and assumes you have no idea what a "ricer" is or what it's supposed to do. It also explains cooking terms like blanch and simmer and the whys behind them).

- Any recipe you do for the first time takes three times as long as it will later.
That's one thing the Cooks neglect to mention. So if it's a Project the first time, and it will be, it won't be as bad the next, and by the third or fourth time it becomes like heating up pizza in the microwave.

- Cut everything up first. Then turn on the stove/oven.
Novice cooks are slow at cutting things up, so this is the most common way things Get Burnt. Cookbook directions "turn on the skillet, chop the onions, juggle the tomatoes, and spin fifteen plates all at once" are based on the assumption that you are A Cook.

- The first and second time you make a recipe, cook for yourself. Don't add the extra pressure of guests.
Yes, I mean the second time, too. There is a weird rule of cooking that if you don't mess it up on the first try, then it comes out terrific. This lures you into believing that the second time you do it, it will come out the same. It never does.

Then the last and final secret of cooking that no one ever mentions: repeat, repeat, repeat. There's a bunch of hoopla that cooking requires some special "talent." Bullshit. People cooked for centuries without requiring any special talent. Cooking is all about practice.

Icarus

Comments

[amethyst-lupin.livejournal.com]

You should write a 'How to..' book for life! I mean it!

My mother did me a favor by teaching me how to cook, but I don't ever really do it... Maybe, once I get settled into my new place I will.... maybe.

[florahart]

This cracked me up.

I cook by ear. Cookbooks are mostly for inspiration, and I usually end up altering very nearly any recipe I use. However, I am teaching my boys to cook too. Well. The little one mostly cares to bake. He's 8. He makes muffins from a mix, or scones, that sort of thing. The other one's more inclined to do chili or spaghetti, etc. And I don't cook as often as I'd like, not really because the husband is damn picky, and I'm highly anti-social and do not host dinner parties. Ever.

*grumble*

The flip side of all your advice here, is this: the reason cooks don't tell you this shit, is they don't know it (consciously). You know? I mean, it's very difficult for me not to swerve thru the nifty gadget aisle at Fred Meyer and pick up some new toy, which is fair enough because my step-dad is the same. It was all I could do recently not to buy myself a cute little doodad that decides when your eggs are soft-boiled, nearly-hard, or hard-boiled, by being in the water with them. So nifty. I have two vegetable peelers plus one that also has little spiky thingers to use in creating long skinny shreds of carrot. I have a garlic press and a tiny shredder, though usually I hack up garlic by hand. I don't have a bread machine because that defeats the purpose. And so on. So it would actually never occur to me that anyone would need to make sure they have a vegetable peeler because I've always had one. Hell, I think I had one when I lived in the dorms, because I might want to peel a carrot.

Anyway, as I help my kids cook, I do have them follow recipes, and I explain terms and stuff, and I'm always astounded, because I forget, kinda every time, that it's possible to not know what "simmer" or "blanch" means, that in fact not everyone already knows the butter has marks on the sides of the sticks to measure, that actually some folks don't know about butter, starch, milk to make white sauce. Heh. And I get frustrated over and over, even though I shouldn't, when Kid One needs clear and specific direction. Sometimes I want him to add more of something. Throw in some more chili powder. I dunno, until it smeels right. Or I want him to heat that in the microwave. I dunno how long, until it's hot. Or to thin the sauce. I dunno how much milk! Until it's thinner. See?

In any case, we don't mean to be annoying. Hee! Also, I second that Joy of Cooking rec. Bestest cookbook, that and this immense 600-page book of breads my mom has.

[goseaward.livejournal.com]

Oh, nice!

I can bake, but not really cook, so I might have to use this. :)

The Betty Crocker Cookbook is great, too, and has lots of tips and directions like you say the Joy of Cooking does.

[redblaze.livejournal.com]

Oh, I enjoyed this. . . I like to cook. With three kids, it's almost a necessity. I go through fazes where we are doing take out all the time because like you said, it sucks to have to make a special trip to the store. It turns out to be a more expensive and more time consuming enterprise.

Now days, I usually plan out meals. If I buy a big bag of potatoes (Fuck the no carb diet) then I have two different meals planned using potatoes. Then, of course, being from Hawaii, I stock rice like it's going out of style. You can doing anything with rice! Of course, I'm a vegetarian, so I don't need to know how to filet ::grins:: but chopping veggies is a bitch! My hubby used to be a chef at macaroni grill back in the day and I get him to chop everything cause he's SOOOO much better at it. I've yet to develop that special skill.

We ought to start a post our favorite recipe on our LJ's. . .I love finding out the simple, fail safe recipes people use. We all have them, the ones that we know we can make for Thanksgiving or a dinner party and people won't be snickering and pointing behind our backs.

Kele

[alchemine.livejournal.com]

Even as A Cook, I don't like any witnesses around!

There are actually two tiers in the Those Who Can Cook category: Those Who Can Cook From Recipes and Those Who Can Successfully Combine Random Ingredients. After twenty years of cooking, I'm still in the first tier; my mother, who taught me, is in the second. Damn her. :)

[singtoangels.livejournal.com]

Well, if anyone needs help in this department, ask me since I come from a culinarily-inclined family, and I actually went to school to be a chef (until I realised that I really don't like following rules, which is why I prefer cooking to baking and dropped the schooling like a hot potato after a year and a half)

But my opinion is that cooking is an art and baking is a science. Here's a quote from a truly god-awful story I wrote once upon a time:

Hermione had never struck him as the type to try her hand at baking, but he discovered many new things when Sirius and the Trio came to stay at his house after Voldemort and his Death Eaters blew up Harry's flat. Hermione explained to him one night as they sat in front of the fire that baking is formulas and science. The bicarbonate of soda reacts with the heat, the gluten in the flour develops from contact with moisture, the sugar feeds the yeast, and so on. Baking always produces a delightful result if done properly, whereas cooking was an art and required more intuition than she possessed.


Kisses to you and good luck in the kitchen. ::salutes::

Gabs

[improperlydone.livejournal.com]

I come from a family of women who love cooking enormous meals for everyone. I, myself, feel that the microwave oven is the best invention ever made. That is not to say that I can not cook because I can and I can bake as well. In saying that, I don't think it's an inherent trait. I was brought up in that environment, so I think that plays a greater part than my genes.

I definitely agree with you on the repeat, repeat, repeat. Everytime I make sweet potato pie, it gets better than the last. ;)

Enjoy!

[pastles.livejournal.com]

Oh how true how true

Baking always produces a delightful result if done properly, whereas cooking was an art and required more intuition than she possessed.

Mom cooks, and so does Gran (mom's mom XD). They use the same ingredients to cook the same dish but they never taste the same! In fact, they taste distinctly different. Even the rice taste different (Gran prefers softer rice while Mom's rice is harder because she uses less water)

But yes, I agree that cooking is very much instinct, but even if you weren't born with it, practice does make perfect.

(am lucky because I've yet to have to cook a meal for myself. instant noodles are great)

[simmysim.livejournal.com]

Then there is the Rest of Us.

X3 I want to give you a dollar.

[nataliadarimini.livejournal.com]

*tries not to giggle at all the people who do not consider a KitchenAid mixer to be as important as a car*

I often times have trouble with recipies, as well. I do much better at just cutting things up and then putting them in a pan. But then, at 21 it is okay if all my food ends up tasting the same because everything has garlic, onions and basil in it.

[exbentley]

I like your instructions. I learned from "the common sense cookery book", which practically fits in the palm of my hand, and it's actually not 'recipes' as such, just lots and lots of basic stuff. How to makewhite souce. Pancake batter. How to grease things properly. How to sift flour. Junket and jelly. Oven temperatures.

It's kind of become my reference book. "This says 'medium' steaks, how cooked is 'medium'?" *references cscb*

However my mother is one of those people that either has 2300000 recipes in their head or is terribly inventive, and so I don't really get to practice cooking a lot. When I do, we have all the ingredients (We have everything. Like 'mint essence'! It's an unopened bottle and we've had it since 1999!)

Anyway, this gave me a laugh, thanks. :)

[sharp-tongue.livejournal.com]

All of my cooking stories end with "...and then it caught on fire."

I kid you not.

[ursula]

You left out the "you can completely ignore the recipe" part. I realize this is in the intermediate section; but it matters. I was raised by an amazing cook (who learned from books, since her mother in turn is terrible) and though I was too lazy to bother with technique, I did learn the *confidence* to improvise, which has served me well. glasseye, who was raised by someone who does not cook, persists in treating cooking as chemistry; but has managed to brew quite well.

Two Bits of Advice

[rfachir.livejournal.com]

I'm many years removed from Novice Cook, but I thought I ought to add some gems from my childhood:

1. Hot pans look exactly the same as cold pans. Plan accordingly.
1a. Hot appliances also look exactly like cold ones.
2. Any other cook in the kitchen is trying to kill you. Plan accordingly.
3. Hot plastic often looks nothing like cold plastic.
3a. Plastic tends to melt when exposed to heat.
3b. The cooker is often hot.

Re: Two Bits of Advice

[maelwaedd.livejournal.com]

4. If you're using a gas element, make sure that the flame isn't licking up the sides of the saucepan. The handles will melt, or at least become very hot.
4b. Melting plastic smells atrocious.
5. Keep matches by your gas appliances. Long matches. Otherwise you may lose a hand.
5b. Don't leave the gas on for very long before striking the match. Otherwise you may lose a hand.

And one I learned from Rescue 911 as a child, which scared the crap out of me:

Don't cook in anything flowy, or highly flammable. If you don't sew, consider everything to be highly flammable. Catching fire is a Bad Thing.

[ragnhildholm.livejournal.com]

Cooking is all about pracice.
--- Well, yes. That, and an oven that works. I have a tiny little thing with two hobs, and it's very temperamental, which doesn't help. Especially when I'm one of The Rest Of Us types of people...
;-)

[ragnhildholm.livejournal.com]

Oh, I want to read that story - where's it archived?

Re: Two Bits of Advice

[rfachir.livejournal.com]

6. Items that were bought cold should stay cold until you cook them.
6a. Meat and milk spoil even if cold. Use it fast (within a week).
6b. It it smells funny, don't cook it.

Re: Two Bits of Advice

[maelwaedd.livejournal.com]

6c. If it is green and was not mean to be green, don't cook it. If in doubt, call a friend.
7. Wrap meat bones/packaging in plastic before disposing of them to avoid maggots.
7b. Cooking actual food seems to take up more bin space than prepackaged meals. Somehow. Remember to take out the rubbish. It may begin to smell.

[ygrane.livejournal.com]

Mollie Katzen writes very nice cookbooks as well. The directions are complete and thorough; she always tells you exactly what to do, and frequently why, and she gives little illustrations for any technique more obscure than chopping, peeling, or stirring. She also gives a very nice glossary of ingredients instead of expecting you to know what tahini and miso are.

Pillsbury and Better Homes and Gardens also make very nice basic cookbooks. The recipes are usually very simple and have decent directions.

^_^

[ygrane.livejournal.com]

*huggles Sharp*

I still need to cook for you one day.

^_^

[stanharding.livejournal.com]

This is marvelous!

I was getting to be a decent cook (with five recipes, anyway) when I lost my singlehood and moved in with A Cook. Now it's rusty.

[singtoangels.livejournal.com]

I'm re-writing it currently. Um, I suppose I'll post it to my lj in a few days or so when I finish. It's a really old story. And het!

[ragnhildholm.livejournal.com]

Sounds fine - I read pretty much any pairing, het, slash, whatever. Let me know when it's up?

[ncp.livejournal.com]

You may want to add...

READ through the entire recipe before you start cooking. I KNOW how to cook, and I still do this. It allows you to organize your space, and prioritize your tasks.

What's a "ricer"?

[sunnie-noone.livejournal.com]

Cut everything up first. Then turn on the stove/oven.

It took a grease fire with enough smoke to choke a dragon for me to learn that little tidbit.

This was really funny and so, so true. What I wish existed was a basics cookbook with recipes for us singletons. Any suggestions?

[wanderingscribe.livejournal.com]

First, the self mocking post on Fanfic_hate and now advice on how to cook. You're quickly becoming my hero, you know this?

Maybe now I can finally stop eating ramen in a cup all the time. I've grown quite sick of it these days.

[ridicully]

But what about those of us who can follow the instructions but the best that can be said about the products is that they're edible?
Who know that with a bit of practice they would stop being an awful cook and end up being medicore and uninspired, but who'd rather deal with the occasional spectacular mishap than practice?
Ok, time to be honest:
Who find cooking *boring*?

Is there any hope for us?

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh, being good cooks

Well now, that's an entirely different matter. There are plenty of people historically who cooked all the time, and were never able to become good cooks, largely because they hated it.

To those people have one word: Soup.

Yes, chop some veggies, toss in the leftover chicken and some basil and walk away.

You want to find those five magic recipes that you can stand to make, which usually means you can go to the next room and watch TV without it going terribly wrong. Soup. And the old roast in the oven with sliced carrots and some potatoes dumped in.

You can feel secure in the knowledge that, for all the fancy fandango your typcial Cook can do, most of them are doing the same thing.

Icarus

[harveywallbang.livejournal.com]

these little tidbits are so nice to know..
... my mom cooked for us, but then she got a job... so from age 7 i lived off of microwavable chicken cordon bleu (which is still my favorite food...)
another thing, though it really has to do with baking most of the time.... if it doesn't look like it does in the picture, it's okay...taste it what matters the most... i baked my dad a boston creme pie, and it oozed custard around all the sides... but it tasted good...
haha, i feel proud of myself when i actually take the time to shake n bake or make tuna helper...

[ridicully]

Now, *that's* good advice *g*

*wanders of to practice making sheperd's pie*

[arclevel.livejournal.com]

I'm an intermediate cook, but it still takes me ages to chop things (other steps, too, but mostly the chopping). I think there's a balance -- if you want it done today, then focus on the chopping. If it's going to take long anyway and is intensely boring, set the cutting board and a couple bowls on the coffee table and watch something while you're cutting -- it'll go even slower, but it'll be less tiresome.

Also, I hate browning meat and all those other "preliminary" supposedly simple steps. Because of this, I tend not to cook very often. Hamburger Helper is just too much work for me. As I live alone, I tend to cook one or two large things and then live off the leftovers.

Re: Two Bits of Advice

[elsajeni-fic.livejournal.com]

8. Frying pan does not equal wok. You cannot let the frying pan heat up before putting in the oil. Your room will catch on fire and the band director will yell at you. (My next-door neighbor on a band trip. Exciting night.)

Re: Two Bits of Advice

[maelwaedd.livejournal.com]

9. Adding salt to water lowers the boiling point of the water. I don't know how, but it does. This makes cooking pasta in a hurry easier.