You don't know me; I've occasionally reviewed your fic on LJ under my personal-journal name. I just wanted to say that it is possible to come back from this place. You've already found that forgiveness *can* be given freely, even and especially when it's unexpected, and I can't tell you how happy I am for you on that score- far too many people go through life without it.
But I do also honestly believe that you'll find the strength to forgive yourself as well, one day. It doesn't really sound like you're there yet from this. And when I say "forgive yourself" please understand that I don't mean it in the cheap, easy, forgetful way a lot of people would. I'm talking about really coming to peace with yourself.
Reading back, I can see it sounds pretty self-righteous of me to be saying this. It's just- I'm Lutheran, and if there's any Christian denomination that has spent as much time poking at forgiveness to see what makes it tick as Buddhism- well, I think Lutheran's the best we've got. And no, I'm very carefully *not* invoking Godwin's Law here. This kind of poking goes back five hundred years- and we've screwed up a lot in that time; individually, collectively, in small groups, etc.
I guess I really wanted to say that I get that this post is a beginning for you, not an ending. Because seeking the forgiveness of those you've wronged is just the first step in all of this, and being honest with those who trust you is the second step. But eventually we run out of other steps and other people to turn to and deal with and you have to face yourself in the mirror and say, "Okay, all these people are good with me now. What the hell is wrong with them?" That's a scary day.
Should you need someone to talk to who's never met you and has some training in that sort of thing (I'm studying to be a pastor), I check my DW account regularly and I don't Bible-thump. :) Wish you all the best.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2009-08-16 02:17 am (UTC)But I do also honestly believe that you'll find the strength to forgive yourself as well, one day. It doesn't really sound like you're there yet from this. And when I say "forgive yourself" please understand that I don't mean it in the cheap, easy, forgetful way a lot of people would. I'm talking about really coming to peace with yourself.
Reading back, I can see it sounds pretty self-righteous of me to be saying this. It's just- I'm Lutheran, and if there's any Christian denomination that has spent as much time poking at forgiveness to see what makes it tick as Buddhism- well, I think Lutheran's the best we've got. And no, I'm very carefully *not* invoking Godwin's Law here. This kind of poking goes back five hundred years- and we've screwed up a lot in that time; individually, collectively, in small groups, etc.
I guess I really wanted to say that I get that this post is a beginning for you, not an ending. Because seeking the forgiveness of those you've wronged is just the first step in all of this, and being honest with those who trust you is the second step. But eventually we run out of other steps and other people to turn to and deal with and you have to face yourself in the mirror and say, "Okay, all these people are good with me now. What the hell is wrong with them?" That's a scary day.
Should you need someone to talk to who's never met you and has some training in that sort of thing (I'm studying to be a pastor), I check my DW account regularly and I don't Bible-thump. :) Wish you all the best.