The Worst Christmas Party Ever, incoming
Dec. 6th, 2012 01:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
icarusFor twenty-five years I've managed to avoid the office Christmas party.
No longer.
I'm officially the head tutor at our little tutoring center and that means I have to go.
Now you see, I hate parties. All parties. Not just office parties. I'm not shy, but I get stressed out and overstimulated and worn to a thread by the chatter and interaction. I don't drink, and the high stress level means I can't eat, so I don't even enjoy the food: it tastes like sawdust.
Face it. I'm an introvert. My idea of a good time is home with a good book and a pint of Haagen Dazs.
So. I bought a dress.
I figured if I'm going to this thing, I might as well get some fun out of it. Also, if I paid money I wouldn't bail. You see, I've agreed to go to the office party before but I've never actually made it out the door.
Thus I bought a red dress (this is how it looks on a human body), a little handbag with a sheet music print, and have a kicky cape coat. Then I splurged and bought a garnet necklace to go with the whole thing.
I've manicured my toenails and have red nail polish and lipstick ready to go. (Problem: the lipstick when chewed off leaves my lips a weird red-pink, so I may skip it, I dunno.) This from someone who doesn't wear makeup every day (too lazy).
Naturally, I had in mind a dignified office party with food, stilted small talk, some music, and then we could all go home. (And I could curl up and get some real food because I won't be able to eat.)
I received this email last week:
Hi everyone,
I'm writing on behalf of BlahBlahBlah to let everyone know that
there will be three major contests held during the party.
1. Gang Nam Style dance
2. Limbo
3. Best Dresser
Please let your staff know~!
Thank you.
Er. Fair warning?
I mentioned this to another tutor.
Her: "What criteria are they going to use to judge best dressed?"
Me: "Tiara-?"
I emailed it to mom.
Me: "Gangnam style? Limbo? Are office parties usually like this?"
Mom: "Um. No. But in the 70s they used to not invite the spouses so they could hit on all the women. It could be worse."
I learned that one reason that I had to go is that all the head tutors were getting certificates of some kind and oh, good, I get to combine stage fright, humiliation, and my usual dislike of parties. Goody gumdrops.
Today I got this email:
Hello Michelle,
Hope you can read this mail before you go to the Center today.
1) Please send a your picture asap for the presentation at the Christmas party.<-- It's because I reported you are the Head Teacher at our center.
2) This is the favor to ask you for me--? Can you write a introduction/complement about M. for me? It doesn't have to be long and you can imagine If you were the Director here........
(Please do not use too fancy(complicated) words.....)
-- The following is an example of an excellent introduction. We are going to use both for the powerpoint and awards presentation, so please be as detailed as possible.
Thank you in advance.
Powerpoint...? When will they show a Powerpoint presentation at a....
...oh, good lord.
They've somehow managed to mate the worst-ever office party with a corporate meeting.
Lucky for all concerned I already bought the dress.
No longer.
I'm officially the head tutor at our little tutoring center and that means I have to go.
Now you see, I hate parties. All parties. Not just office parties. I'm not shy, but I get stressed out and overstimulated and worn to a thread by the chatter and interaction. I don't drink, and the high stress level means I can't eat, so I don't even enjoy the food: it tastes like sawdust.
Face it. I'm an introvert. My idea of a good time is home with a good book and a pint of Haagen Dazs.
So. I bought a dress.
I figured if I'm going to this thing, I might as well get some fun out of it. Also, if I paid money I wouldn't bail. You see, I've agreed to go to the office party before but I've never actually made it out the door.
Thus I bought a red dress (this is how it looks on a human body), a little handbag with a sheet music print, and have a kicky cape coat. Then I splurged and bought a garnet necklace to go with the whole thing.
I've manicured my toenails and have red nail polish and lipstick ready to go. (Problem: the lipstick when chewed off leaves my lips a weird red-pink, so I may skip it, I dunno.) This from someone who doesn't wear makeup every day (too lazy).
Naturally, I had in mind a dignified office party with food, stilted small talk, some music, and then we could all go home. (And I could curl up and get some real food because I won't be able to eat.)
I received this email last week:
Hi everyone,
I'm writing on behalf of BlahBlahBlah to let everyone know that
there will be three major contests held during the party.
1. Gang Nam Style dance
2. Limbo
3. Best Dresser
Please let your staff know~!
Thank you.
Er. Fair warning?
I mentioned this to another tutor.
Her: "What criteria are they going to use to judge best dressed?"
Me: "Tiara-?"
I emailed it to mom.
Me: "Gangnam style? Limbo? Are office parties usually like this?"
Mom: "Um. No. But in the 70s they used to not invite the spouses so they could hit on all the women. It could be worse."
I learned that one reason that I had to go is that all the head tutors were getting certificates of some kind and oh, good, I get to combine stage fright, humiliation, and my usual dislike of parties. Goody gumdrops.
Today I got this email:
Hello Michelle,
Hope you can read this mail before you go to the Center today.
1) Please send a your picture asap for the presentation at the Christmas party.<-- It's because I reported you are the Head Teacher at our center.
2) This is the favor to ask you for me--? Can you write a introduction/complement about M. for me? It doesn't have to be long and you can imagine If you were the Director here........
(Please do not use too fancy(complicated) words.....)
-- The following is an example of an excellent introduction. We are going to use both for the powerpoint and awards presentation, so please be as detailed as possible.
Thank you in advance.
Powerpoint...? When will they show a Powerpoint presentation at a....
...oh, good lord.
They've somehow managed to mate the worst-ever office party with a corporate meeting.
Lucky for all concerned I already bought the dress.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-06 01:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-06 02:42 pm (UTC)I've been required to go for one workplace or another for, gah, twenty-odd years? I hate'em. My advice is to do what she asked you to do, quickly as possible, then forget about it until it's the day-of. Then either get drunk or take an Ativan and practice smiling vacantly in front of a mirror. Look at pictures of Queen Elizabeth for inspiration (the cupped-hand-wave is optional). Before you know it, it'll be over!!
Tip: do NOT make out with the head of production on his car in the parking lot. Esp when he's married (to someone else). (Told you I've been to a lot of these things.)
no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 03:38 am (UTC)Oh dear. On the car?
One of the side benefits of not drinking is that's less likely to happen. Although there's a fellow (unmarried, ridiculously cougar-bait young) I've been hitting on who might be going....
no subject
Date: 2012-12-06 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 01:34 am (UTC)I'm wondering how much flak I'd get for just *not showing up.* Maybe that day will be hectic-busy and I won't be able to tear myself away from coding work.
And yes! You get Powerpoint! Because Microsoft has killed a whole generation's public speaking skills, and they need a Something to show that this is an EVENT, not just a random "hey we had all these drinks lying around and someone brought cupcakes" kind of party.
I second the vote for "show up, cope with whatever presenting they want you to do/receive, invent a drastic need to be elsewhere and duck out."
no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 06:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 07:39 am (UTC)Everyone brings a gift, in the $5-10 range. They're allowed to be really tacky and useless gifts. So some of them are, and some are just average $7 gifts (i.e. scarf from Wallgreens, box of peppermint bark), and some of them are really nice (which ones those are, depends on your taste).
And you can't enjoy getting one of the "really nice" gifts, 'cos odds are, someone else is going to take it away.
The gifts bounce around the room until they're all allocated, and people joke about who brought what and who got stuck with what, and I have no idea why any of that is supposed to be fun.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 02:23 am (UTC)Your outfit is smashing, however! It's almost a shame you don't drink; that handbag could hide a cute little flask which, in turn, could make the whole affair more amusing (or at least destroy your memory of it). ;-)
If you get a chance to have someone snap a photo, I'd love to see you all dolled up in the cape & without it....
no subject
Date: 2012-12-07 06:56 am (UTC)Well, the request is muddled because English is not her first language. Channeling Queen Elizabeth sounds like a good idea.
Your outfit is smashing, however!
Yay! I don't know if there will be photos, but if I get one, I'll post it.