Wilderness Guru approved. Defining Sexuality.

[icarus]

A friend was struggling with the question of sexual identity, and wildernessguru really has a handle on this. I read my response to him, and he liked it. So I'm posting it here:

I've been round and round this question with wildernessguru, and my conclusion is that sexuality is com-pli-ca-ted. He's in forties now, and is fairly clear about what he likes and dislikes. He looks at the labels and kinda goes, "Hmm." Instead he just knows what he likes:

Femme boys.
Aggressive women (especially in conservative business suits - rowr!)
Buzz cuts.
Women's bob haircuts.
Hearing dirty talk from either a Daddy or a Dominant woman.
Sex, in all its varieties.
Women who are supportive and loving.
Well-dressed classy black men with deep sensuous voices.
Men with 'swimmer's build.'
Transvestites who love their femininity (and ideally pass, but that seems to be second).
Voluptuous women with large breasts.
Women's clothes.
Being spanked.
Having his hair stroked or brushed.
The feel of a woman's breast pressed against him.
People who are 'straight up,' who have integrity.

I'm still learning the list and it shifts over time as he experiments and finds something else he likes, but I think his approach is pretty good. It better matches what sex is really like, accomodates changing tastes and leaves room for him to be an individual and not a member of a certain group.

It's smart. He says 'I like this' rather than 'I am this.' He's avoided most of the neurosis that seem to go with defining your sexuality. Because if you tried to define him based on that list, you'd have to say he's a submissive cross-dressing bi-sexual with a hair fetish and a preference for dominant overweight women, whose sexual experience is mostly with men. And that just takes a long time to say. Not to mention it might not be entirely true from one week to the next.

Be an individual. Don't try to create a new type of normal for yourself.

This has been a social service message brought to you from The Guru.

Comments

*nods*

[barbana.livejournal.com]

I like that.

Yes.

[adred.livejournal.com]

Spot-on!
However, this really seems to confuse people who do like pigeon-holes *grin*

[wanderingscribe.livejournal.com]

[nods] Wilderness Guru is a wise man. I'm gonna put this post in my memories, so I don't forget it.

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

There is only one thing I can say about wildernessguru: It's a pity that he's taken.

[nadai.livejournal.com]

I think this works for a lot more than sexuality. All the ways people define themselves - whether or not you have kids, what religion (if any) you are, where you fall on the political spectrum, what sort of work you do, etc. - become straitjackets if you make them My Identity.

[mark356.livejournal.com]

Wordity word. *memories*

[aubrem.livejournal.com]

This is really quite brilliant and I'm just realizing, that for all my supposed self-awareness and self-acceptance, I'm not sure I'm capable of making quite so clear a list. It's a good exercise, I'm going to think on it. Thx Icarus. : )

[venivincere]

We're best defined by our likes and our dislikes, by our activities and proclivities. Wildernessguru is wise.

[jeddy83.livejournal.com]

Hee, wildernessguru needs to come and talk to the guy in my office, who got up and declared in a staff meeting, that 'bisexuals are just men who haven't come out of the closet yet'.

[faelori.livejournal.com]

That especially works for female bisexuals, whatwhat.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

LOL! I'm sure!

Icarus

Re:

[jeddy83.livejournal.com]

You're right of course, but let's just say that is his other problem. Most of the time he barely acknowledges that women exist, and when he does, his views are less than flattering.

[merrycontrary.livejournal.com]

The man is wise. Thanks to both of you for sharing this idea.

[fourth-moon.livejournal.com]

I can`t help it, you`ve gotta like someone with a list like that - and the accompanying thoughts. That`s such a sweet idea.

Now it`s got me thinking about my own "what I like list". Funny feeling.

[harveywallbang.livejournal.com]

the title of guru fits him well....and yeah, i think i wanna go make a list like that too..