Heh. Another email from Dad. This time: on gay marriage.

[icarus]

Subject: Gay marriage debate-

On her radio show recently, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

Comments

[saltroseortopaz.livejournal.com]

[cackles]

[frek.livejournal.com]

*giggles madly*

That's brilliant!

[incoming.livejournal.com]

*laughing* Oh that was nice. It always makes me smile to see educated people tearing the "morally upstanding" a new one.

Also, it is technically impossible for one to own Canadians. Some people speculate that this is because we're secretly in league with Satan for permitting gay marraige and legalizing pot and p2p file sharing, and thus have unconquerable evil on our side. Personally, I think the debate is pointless; you can't "own" somebody who owns you.

[purple-avocado.livejournal.com]

I love your icon.

[emeraldjay.livejournal.com]

Well said. Guess that means blind people can approach the altar of god either. Shame really, Jesus helped the blind to see, so I guess even he knew what sort of discrimination went on in 'heaven'.

I guess I now have a reason to dislike working on Sundays, I can say that I have a fear of being killed for working the sabbath.

[thenightsalive.livejournal.com]

the jewish sabbath is on saturday

[wenelda.livejournal.com]

Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Best one, hands down. I couldn't stop laughing while I read that one. I just picture someone whinging, "dammit! We couldn't get the Jones family together tonight, and the Johnsons want to re-schedule as well. Can't we just burn their farm down ourselves?!"

[abigail89.livejournal.com]

RE:Lev.15: 19-24.

I tried to use this one at work. But my boss objected to my missing 5 days of work every 27-30 days.

The stupidity of some people just knows no bounds, eh?

[wiltedwater.livejournal.com]

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

Love it. Love it. Love it.
And to answer the question, they should be made to read Dr. Laura's articles until their heads implode.

[sevter.livejournal.com]

*dissolve helplessly into laughter*

*runs off to post this into her own LJ & Blog*

[boomingvoice.livejournal.com]

::canadian::

you can own me anytime, baby. *wink*.


SO sorry. Couldn't resist.

[jadarene.livejournal.com]

Smite Laura! Go you. That is hilarious AND brilliant. However do you manage? :D

[shezan.livejournal.com]

This was actually written by Aaron Sorkin in The West Wing, Episode 3 of Season Two, The Midterms. The exact quote goes as follows:

BARTLET: I'm asking, 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name of Dr. Jacobs on your show. And I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that, and assumed you had advanced training in Psychology, Theology, or health care.

JENNA JACOBS: I don't believe they are confused, no sir.

PRESIDENT BARTLET: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.

JENNA JACOBS: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.

PRESIDENT BARTLET: Yes, it does. Leviticus.

JENNA JACOBS: 18:22

PRESIDENT BARTLET: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. (small chuckles from the guests) She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, and always clears the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff, Leo McGarry, insists on working on the Sabbath, Exodus 35:2, clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important, 'cause we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes us unclean, Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother, John, for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads?

Of course, "Jenna Jacobs" is a transparent device for Laura Schlessinger; but this was written by a pro. And since he's left TWW my head is covered in sackcloth & ashes...

[jeddy83.livejournal.com]

Ah, I thought I'd seen the content somewhere before.

I will have to remember this

[bridebrooke.livejournal.com]

I will have to remember this next time I am in the car with my mother forced to listen to Rush and Dr. Laura for hours.

[anjenue.livejournal.com]

GOD yes. That is so absolutely perfect.

*torn between the desire to use her 'own me' icon and her 'canadian pride' icon*

*decides on the latter, but posts the former anyhow*

[electricandroid.livejournal.com]

I find this biased. Living on an island I have no neighbours which to make slaves of.

I WANT TO OWN A CANADIAN TOO!!!

[lyricalnights.livejournal.com]

I say that means you get your pick of any country your body of water touches. =)

[reposoir.livejournal.com]

*dies*

I can remember when my mother used to listen to Dr. Laura Schlessigner (or whatever). I can also remember how much that irritated me.

Thank you for posting that- it was great!

[femmequixotic]

Why can't I own Canadians?

Forget the Canadians. It's those pesky Australians that should be concerning us. Them and their island continent. Enslave 'em, I say. *mischievous grin*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Do we get to call dibs? Or is first come, first serve?

*g*

Icarus

[femmequixotic]

*snerk*

Dibs.

Definitely.

Less chance of anyone getting bopped with a nasty hex. *Femme twirls wand in hand and whistles nonchanlantly as she leans up against a dungeon wall*

Although first co---nah. I'm not going there with my filthy mind. :)

[misted-oracle.livejournal.com]

hee, that's too good! Very informative, but funny as hell! hee hee.

Ummm, by the way, just as a side note. I finished your fic for thr Percy ficathon! I hope it meets all of your critia and such. Just thought I'd give you the link to check out: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misted_oracle/6564.html#cutid1 Enjoy :)

[lyricalnights.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha! *wipes eyes, which also keep her from the altar of God, which is good cause I'd prolly trip over it*

[els-chan.livejournal.com]

*has nearly fallen off her chair giggling* See, now why can't my dad be like that?

[harveywallbang.livejournal.com]

one of my friends showed this to me. i also love the "why can't i own canadians?" line.
a few of these are new to me, but otherwise, i'm familiar. and it's still funny as hell...sometimes i love people's stupidity.

[rane-ab.livejournal.com]

Hee! This is too funny! Thanks for sharing.

[byandby.livejournal.com]

I want a Canadian. Actually, can I have two? Thanks for the laughter. I just shake my head when I hear Dr. Laura. Do you mind if I friend you? I love your stories!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Funnily enough, I know two Canadians. I can sell them to you as a set for a discount.

Sure, friend away.

Icarus