Cat Contract.

[icarus]

It is my understanding that upon acquiring a cat one has engendered certain responsibilities in exchange for certain attentions. I have held up my end of the bargain. The cat is:

- fed with reasonable regularity
- given a clean kitty litter box
- fondled and generally coddled
- entertained for exercise and play-time

We have even gone above and beyond the call of duty with:

- two carpeted cat-trees (one five-foot and one seven-foot) for, yes, one cat
- numerous catnip toys, bells, balls and baubles
- a regular supply of the much-relished wheat grass
- an array of carboard boxes and paper bags
- special cat treats, dried shrimp in particular
- cat-shaped toy companions for wrestling
- the regular sampling (sniffing, licking) of human food
- occasional leniency regarding the "no cats on coffee table" clause

The cat's end of this bargain is simple: he is a pet, therefore must be available for petting.

While our cat has maintained his petting responsibilities with regards to us, he seems to be under the impression that our friends -- namely wildernessguru's buddy The Puppy -- are exempt. Whenever The Puppy reaches out a hand, the aforementioned cat cries as if being tormented and, if pressed, flicks his tail in preparation to bite. But his contract clearly states that petting is to be provided for all and sundry (The Puppy being sundry).

Now the chastened (and hurt) Puppy is on his way home to his girlfriend. Said cat is stretched out happily on the couch, satisfied that he has evaded his responsibilities during yet another visit.

My case is pending before the Cat Magistrate, and until then, kitty gets no treats.

Comments

[mad_maudlin]

My cat runs and hides from all strangers. I think that something to do with my twin cousins' idea of "playing" when they were ickle, though.

[iibnf.livejournal.com]

Nope, I don't agree at all! That's like telling a wife that when she married her husband, she agreed to have sex with all his friends, too!

If the puppy isn't feeding her and providing for her, then she has no obligation whore herself out to be petted by him.

I will volunteer to represent your cat against you in the court of the Cat Magistrate!

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

Those contracts never hold up in court.

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

The fact that your cat is allowing another living creature into his house is impressive and therefore more than meeting his end of the kitty contract.

I rather suspect that when you contracted with said kitty, you did not read the fine print that includes the clause "put some food in my dish and we'll talk". Sadly this clause does not go so far as to ensure any communication and/or resolution of kitty responsibilities, just that the prerequisite to the possibility of the aforementioned is "put some food in my dish".

My cat did not purr out loud for the first year and a half of her life with me. She was provided ample opportunity to purr and simply chose not to, though she did appear happy and has gotten her own kitty spa (blow drying with my hair dryer and brushing) pretty much daily since she chose to move in with me. Further, I resisted killing her as a kitten, while lying on my chest being petted as per K.1 sub section 2.5 of How To Deal with Your Human which reads "pet me", she did in fact put one of her little baby kitty claws into my areole (sure she said it was accidental).

The sad reality remains that Mzungu, my little kitty princess and AKA to extended family & friends as the "cat from hell" of whom my 7 year old nephew, who is afraid of nothing, is afraid, refuses to allow anyone to pet her unless it is on her terms (which have been unclear from the very beginning.

I regret to inform you that your cat is well within his rights to refuse petting by Puppy (or you for that matter) and you will still lose at the Magistrate level, regardless of whether or not you met your end of the contract.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

No, it says here in subsection 5, part iii:

- Should the party(ies) of the first part (hereafter called The Human(s)) be required to maintain an alternate residence either temporarily or permanently resulting from either a) a business trip, b) a vacation, or c) any other purpose not limited to a) or b), the party(ies)(ies) of the second part (hereafter called The Cat(s)) shall be maintained in comfort in The Cat(s) original residence unless this is the result of a Change of Residence (see section 3, part ii). The terms of this maintenance shall include a Temporary Human(s), through either paid or voluntary indenturement, who shall continue the responsibilities of the party(ies) of the first part (The Human(s)) in full and without exclusion or interuption until the return of the parties of the first part (The Human(s)). During this period the Temporary Human(s) shall receive the attentions due to the party(ies) of the first part (The Human(s)), without an additional accrual of petting due to The Human(s), but with an additional Getting To Know You phase (as described in section 1, part vii) applied to each new Temporary Human(s), per visit.

The Puppy did in fact feed and supply him with food and water.

I also call your attention to part 9, section xviii, regarding Premises:

- The party(ies) of the second part (The Cat(s)) shall, upon the continuous and uninterrupted supply of a properly maintained Cat Scratching Post, engage in decorous behaviour regarding the property of the party(ies) of the first part (The Human(s)). Decorous behaviour is defined as that not causing willful damage or disrepute with regards to The Human(s)' landlord, Temporary Human(s), or Visiting Human(s), but is exclusive of accidental, unintentional, or unavoidable damage as defined by Attachment C.

See? Decorous behaviour has not been observed with regards to visiting humans.

Icarus

[iibnf.livejournal.com]

My client responds with: Meow meow meow, hisssss!

Further, I would like to point out the possibility of hairballs and perhaps even cat hurl in your shoes should an amicable settlement not be reached.

I feel it only fair to warn you that there have been rumours in the press that The Puppy, (and why does this Puppy feel the need to use a false name, hmm?) abused my client most heiniously. As to where these rumours started, I'm sure that we have no idea.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

True. But you can often negotiate a satisfactory settlement.

:D

Icarus

[iibnf.livejournal.com]

Exactly, the cat always wins. Icarus needs to be aware that ALL petting privileges may be withdrawn without notice or recourse to arbitration, too, at the cat's discretion.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

You can refer any future comments to our attorney with Growltiger, LLP.

But as I'm sure you've noted, The Puppy (aka Terence Singer)'s own two cats, Rocky and Tiger, have met with the press and given statements concerning his gentleness and consideration (pay particular attention to the extra breakfast and Rocky's purring into the phone to his loving Human). Our neighbourhood cats -- namely the Maine Coon on the corner and the prowling Tabby Tomcat -- also say "Mreow?" to such statements.

The statements from our former pet sitter that "Monte is shy, but friendly when he gets to know you" and from another friend of ours "He certainly played with me... I dunno, man, I think he just doesn't like Terence" should not be construed as damaging. The contract implies an equal treatment of all Visiting and Temporary Humans.

Icarus

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

Shakes head sadly.

Clearly your copy predates the the current amendment that includes in subsection 5, part iii(2b): "at no time is the Cat(s) expected to fulfill the responsibilities of subsection 5, part iii until sufficient recovery time-as determined by the Cat- is allotted for the processing of the change of caregivers (Temporary Human(s) and/or time taken away from the Cat(s) primary residence by the Human(s)".

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

That language was stricken from our contract at the time of rescue and adoption.

Icarus

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Untrue, this only applies to inexperienced Human(s) who are unaware of their rights and the benefits of arbitration. For example, let me refer you to the Biting Incidents of 1999 and their slow but successful resolution, not to mention the Missing The Catbox Problems of 1999 and 2000 which were also resolved.

Icarus

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

Agreed. Sadly I. Ancalion vs. Monte Ancalion will not make legal history and is likely to set back any progress other Cat owners may have negotiated with the ICAK (International Cat and Kitten) section of the Teamsters .

Much fear surrounds this case and cat owners the world over fear that they will wake tomorrow morning to freshly watered plant soil all over the living room rug.

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

Did the Cat consent to the striking of subsection 5, part iii(2b) at the time?

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I. Ancalion has a long history and high standing in the cat community. Her former cat companion, Trigger, was a well-respected pillar of the Germantown neighborhood, and Icarus has been noted for her cat rescues and nurturing of numerous litters of abandoned kittens, not to mention her adoption and care for the long-neglected Boober (called "Kittiness" by Icarus) and the subsequent transformation of saddened, skulking kitty into one confident of her welcome.

Icarus states, "Every cat-issue has a cause, and because cat brain physiology is nearly identical to human physiology, the causes are often emotional issues very similar to those experienced by humans. The Puppy is an energetic, outgoing personality (well-deserving of his bouncy nick-name) and Monte has demonstrated a clear preference for calmer personality types (note wildernessguru, the gentle pet-sitter, and several other friends). He has also expressed more willingness to be in The Puppy's company when The Puppy is asleep or very tired, where Monte has even climbed into The Puppy's lap. Future contact during The Puppy's (admittedly rare) calmer moments should be encouraged. Growling however is unacceptable unless under extreme duress, and treated the same as other unacceptable behaviour."

Icarus

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

While it is reasonable to expect any cat to conform to the conditions of growling outlined above. Sadly, the last convention of ICAK repealed the words "under extreme duress" and replaced them with "deemed appropriate by the Cat"

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

You sound like a wonderful cat owner by the way :)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

meara_, I was kidding around but seriously, Monte's reactions are way over the top for the situation.

He yowls like he's in pain when The Puppy even reaches in his direction. This morning Monte hovered by the faucet in the bathroom (as he will when he wants water) and when The Puppy reached over just to turn on the faucet for him, Monte gave a warning yowl.

Our friend loves cats and is really hurt by the consistent and melodramatic rejection.

I know you're being playful in response to a playful post but enough's enough: I was joking about a real problem. Monte doesn't act this way with anyone but The Puppy, who is wildernessguru's closest friend. WG thinks that Monte is jealous because The Puppy is here, Monte is supplanted as #1 in the house. I think that's definitely part of the problem.

Icarus

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Ahh. Thanks.

I have to admit, I'm usually able to clue in to what's going on with my cats but this situation has me completely stumped. I think The Puppy should keep trying (under calm conditions) but he's so wounded (and frustrated as a cat lover) that it seems to be just deepening the divide. It doesn't help that Monte's attitude has caused The Puppy to somewhat dislike Monte, I think, though he's willing to give it a shot. *sighs*

Icarus

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

Hmmm... what I do with my nephew & Mzungu (who acts like he's going to kill her if he so much as wanders in the front door, is give him some of her kitty treats to help her warm up to him. She's rather skittish by nature but it is hard when the cat acts like that towards him.

I saw that you said that Monte is content to sit on The Puppy when The Puppy is snoozing and/or relaxed. Is this the only time that Monte will come to him?

Cat's are funny creatures at the best of times and as an owner of a really skittish cat, I feel for him (and for you).

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

In this situation Monte seems to only dislike The Puppy.

He was fine with being handled by the vet, liked the pet sitter, liked three of WG's other friends -- it's just The Puppy.

I don't know. Part of it is jealousy (WG all but ignores Monte when The Puppy is staying with us), part of it is Monte's preference for peace and quiet (The Puppy is a personal trainer and has that kind of Charles Atlas energy). There's also history: When Monte and The Puppy first met WG hadn't seen The Puppy in yeeears so really ignored Monte. On top of that, The Puppy approached Monte very aggressively in a way Commander Fuzzhead wasn't used to, and The Puppy lived with us in the apartment for a few weeks (all of our other friends have left after a few hours, not staying overnight). All of this rubbed Commander Fuzzhead the wrong way, and he carries grudges.

The Puppy was unable to read Fuzzhead's more subtle "don't pet me" signals so Fuzz resorted to verbal complaints he'd never used before, and now uses as a matter of course with The Puppy (and no one else). Fuzzhead has been known to hold grudges (if you step on his tail he'll swipe you with his claws a minute or so later) but usually he forgives. Not so with The Puppy.

I thought it was improving this visit -- Monte jumped up in my lap with The Puppy only a few feet away -- but that could have been a "pay attention to me and not The Puppy" manoeuvre. Fuzzhead certainly still uses the verbal yowls on The Puppy. They were appropriate before (The Puppy didn't read Fuzz' "buzz off" signals) but now it seems like Fuzz uses them instead of just shying away.

Icarus

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

Ok, I went to a site called
Cat Fancy (http://www.catfancy.com/catfancy/) which has many suggestions for cats who are exhibiting behaviours. Perhaps under the resources section, there might be an article that can give you some ideas as to how you can deal with this behaviuor in your cat.

Good luck & sorry I crossed the line earlier. :)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I saw that you said that Monte is content to sit on The Puppy when The Puppy is snoozing and/or relaxed. Is this the only time that Monte will come to him?

Yep. But he seems to be doing it less and less. From my perspective the two of them are solidifying into a silent mutual dislike.

If The Puppy would look at this situation from Monte's point of view, the disruption to his life and usual attention from WG, he might radiate enough understanding for Monte to warm up to him when The Puppy is calmer.

Unfortunately, The Puppy thinks Monte is a spoiled little shit.

The "spoiled" part is definitely accurate. WG lets Monte get away with shit I've never allowed my cats to pull. Being pretty spoiled has caused Monte to be a bit brittle when it comes to getting his way and being the centre of attention. Not much I can do about WG's choices in Monte's upbringing I'm afraid.

Icarus

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Nah, it's alright. I was joking around about a frustration without saying how frustrated I really was. You had no way of knowing.

Cat Fancy which has many suggestions for cats who are exhibiting behaviours.

Thank you! Hopefully we'll find something that'll help (if The Puppy's still willing to try that is).

Icarus

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

Monte's position seems unassailable to me.

The Puppy is obviously Up to No Good. It's a cat's duty to be suspicious of encroaching nonfamily members.

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

You know, my cat was a feral kitten from the pound, and he takes months of regular contact with visitors before he'll tolerate them even touching them. (and he "forgets" them if they haven't visited for a while.)

He doesn't like one of my friends, and it's because she is a nervous type who approaches him in an overly enthusiastic way. I keep warning her not to, but she persists, and the cat hisses at her (and has even growled). All animals will bite when afraid enough. If they are giving the signs of stress, it's not a good idea to push it. The Puppy should just back off, and eventually (maybe longer than he would like), Monte will accept him.

[tartanshell.livejournal.com]

My suggestion to your friend would be to pointedly ignore the kitty.

IMO, Kitty is doing it out of jealousy and for attention. And does he get some sort of reaction from you for being a bastard? Why, yes! It's like any naughty kid.

You can't force a friendship, but you can quit giving Monte exactly what he wants. He's being a spoiled brat, and if you or The Puppy tries to make nice and press this, you're totally playing along.

If The Puppy ignores Monte (and you act as if nothing is out of the ordinary when The Puppy visits), I bet Monte will start to feel a little left out.

For some reason, cats never seem to want to be friends with non-family humans...unless those non-family humans are a) allergic or b) don't like cats. If someone comes over who wants to see the cat, forget it.

You've just gotta play hard to get.

[cheshyre]

A) with a nick like Puppy, is it any wonder the cat distrusts him

B) you might appreciate this comic

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

That sounds like excellent advice and fits Monte's behaviour exactly. *shakes hand* Done.

Icarus

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

A) Ha. Yeah, I was wondering if anyone was going to mention that, and

B) I'll try, but I'm on a dial-up so I don't tend to look at much in the way of art or comics.

Icarus

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Monte is not a skittish or feral cat, though he is a little high-strung.

He is unusually possessive of wildernessguru, demanding attention whenever WG's attention is focused on me (because WG has spoiled him so badly kitty is even a bit disruptive during our sex life). His behaviour is that of a shy kitty, I could deal with that. I think tartanshell hit the nail on the head.

Icarus

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I mean not that of a shy kitty. *sheesh, typos...*

Icarus

[tjstein.livejournal.com]

Interesting. Of course, we have the opposite problem. Jerry the Wondercat doesn't let us pet him, but he sidles up to strangers the minute they walk in the door. Provided the dogs are outside of course. I think he wants them to take him away from us so he can live in a dog-free existence.

The other cat, Tipper...well, she lets the dogs lick her face.

There really is no such thing as justice. Best of luck!

[tartanshell.livejournal.com]

*shakes hand* Good! See, when you have a bajillion cats, you're bound to run into pretty much every kind of cat problem there is. ;)

...You know, I should really set up a website as a cat behaviorist/psychologist. I've seen people who charge ridiculous sums per hour diagnosing dogs. If I ever do sell myself as a cat shrink, I'm totally blaming you.

(And you will, of course, continue to receive my "mad skillz" and "services" free of charge.) ;)