Love and fear in fanfiction.
May. 20th, 2006 04:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
icarusSome navel-gazing without the belly-dance moves.
I've told people that I love my stories. "Of course I do. I write what I want to read!" I declare. But that's not entirely true.
I enjoy my stories as I write them. Sometimes I think they suck. (Sometimes I fear they suck.) Sometimes a story is so much work, I feel like Sissyphus -- if Sissyphus had to push a zamboni fourteen times over the same three inches before he could roll it another handspan up the hill, rinse, repeat. Often I know their flaws all too well and I pray that nobody else notices as I hustle them out the door. My ambitions are relatively low: I only hope to be better than the worst of the dreck I've seen on ff.net, even as I push to write to the best of my ability.
The readers teach me to love my stories.
The story that I cringed when I dropped into the public eye, ready to apologize for inflicting it on the world... the readers startle me when they love it. Thought it was funny? Oh God, I was so afraid it wasn't.
The story I stayed up all night writing in comments then dropped into an LJ post with unwarranted abandon... the readers find nuances that I didn't suspect in such a slapdash effort.
I've spent ridiculous amounts of time polishing a story like it's the Hope diamond, only to have it meet a lukewarm reception of quiet clapping.
Then I've had stories riddled with flaws that I considered so mediocre they might as well come with a Happy MealTM... and readers find something in them that is meaningful, and I blink, and have another look. Really? But I was just, you know, meeting a challenge deadline -- okay, who am I to argue?
I think this occurs because the experience of writing is so different from the experience of reading. The writer is in on the joke, so it's stale, the writer knows the ending, so it's trite, the writer is absorbed in the work of writing, so that, positive or negative, tinges the feeling the writer has about the story.
Therefore, I have a few confessions.
Primer to the Dark Arts? I lived and breathed this story, and never cared if anyone loved it as much as I did. Reader response: they loved it, too.
Cursed Artefacts For Sale? I was embarrassed that I had written something that to me seemed so clunky and unfunny. I almost didn't publish it. Reader response: one of my all-time most popular stories. If someone hates everything else I've written, they like this one.
Hey You? Was the apple of my eye as I wrote it. It was refreshing and crisp and new to write something so bleak. I wrote it with evil glee, it was my personal favorite in the series. Reader response: widely regarded as one of the weaker parts of the series.
Far Too Personal? Was written in an all-night jam session, entertaining a friend. It was a romp and nothing more. Reader response: was welcomed with a flood of responses and it's still being recommended, years after the fact.
Beg Me For It? I didn't want to write. It was such an ugly idea, just horrible. Then... I thought it was technically well-crafted. But still, ugh. I'd never want to read it. Reader response: a fixture in the Ron/Draco fandom for which I receive the most interesting, well-considered reviews addressing Nazism, issues of consent, submission and domination.
Council Of Obvious Edicts? A nightmare. It took two jam sessions in chat to force myself to write it. I always thought it came out a jumbled mess. Reader response: I never worked to publish this widely, but at least one writer whose taste I hold in high regard loved it so I'm forced to reevalute.
Skinny Dipping? Pure joy. This story makes me melt with sensual pleasure, everything from the water, to the moonlight, to the color of dustmotes in the morning, the play of emotions. Reader response: a hit on the old adultfanfiction.net but the story never had legs, partially because it's technically chan (Harry's 14, Percy's 18) and it couldn't be posted on RS.org (yes, I do love this story).
For The Petulant Gods? Another silly romp, torn off the notepad and thrown into the air. Reader response: one of my most frequently recommended SG-1 stories, along with Shy Guy and Fools Can Dream.
Two Way Mirror? One of my most carefully written pieces. I wrote this one with a slide-rule and still feel a sense of pride. Reader response: People liked it, and then it quickly faded into the background.
Colony Atlantis? I've never done so many total re-writes and I loved it. This had four incarnations and almost tripled in length. First it was a light, but incomplete comedy. Then it was ansty with a wistful ending. Then it was angsty with a romantic fluffy ending. Then it finally became, well, the story I posted. Reader response: not wildly popular, but received a lot of interesting, thoughtful reviews. Those who read it, it seemed to make them think.
Guy Talk? In 2003 I was sure I'd lost the ability to write, that the creative spark was gone and this sad piece of work was all I could do after that initial burst of activity. Reader response: one of my most long-lasting, well-liked stories.
I've decided the author doesn't know. The author responds to certain aspects of the story -- for example, the water images from Skinny Dipping are from my childhood growing up on a lake. Council Of Obvious Edicts was written under a tight deadline when I had miserable time being the moderator of the Fic-A-Thon.
I don't love my favorites less based on a bad review. But when it comes to deciding what's good and what isn't? I leave that up to you.
I've told people that I love my stories. "Of course I do. I write what I want to read!" I declare. But that's not entirely true.
I enjoy my stories as I write them. Sometimes I think they suck. (Sometimes I fear they suck.) Sometimes a story is so much work, I feel like Sissyphus -- if Sissyphus had to push a zamboni fourteen times over the same three inches before he could roll it another handspan up the hill, rinse, repeat. Often I know their flaws all too well and I pray that nobody else notices as I hustle them out the door. My ambitions are relatively low: I only hope to be better than the worst of the dreck I've seen on ff.net, even as I push to write to the best of my ability.
The readers teach me to love my stories.
The story that I cringed when I dropped into the public eye, ready to apologize for inflicting it on the world... the readers startle me when they love it. Thought it was funny? Oh God, I was so afraid it wasn't.
The story I stayed up all night writing in comments then dropped into an LJ post with unwarranted abandon... the readers find nuances that I didn't suspect in such a slapdash effort.
I've spent ridiculous amounts of time polishing a story like it's the Hope diamond, only to have it meet a lukewarm reception of quiet clapping.
Then I've had stories riddled with flaws that I considered so mediocre they might as well come with a Happy MealTM... and readers find something in them that is meaningful, and I blink, and have another look. Really? But I was just, you know, meeting a challenge deadline -- okay, who am I to argue?
I think this occurs because the experience of writing is so different from the experience of reading. The writer is in on the joke, so it's stale, the writer knows the ending, so it's trite, the writer is absorbed in the work of writing, so that, positive or negative, tinges the feeling the writer has about the story.
Therefore, I have a few confessions.
Primer to the Dark Arts? I lived and breathed this story, and never cared if anyone loved it as much as I did. Reader response: they loved it, too.
Cursed Artefacts For Sale? I was embarrassed that I had written something that to me seemed so clunky and unfunny. I almost didn't publish it. Reader response: one of my all-time most popular stories. If someone hates everything else I've written, they like this one.
Hey You? Was the apple of my eye as I wrote it. It was refreshing and crisp and new to write something so bleak. I wrote it with evil glee, it was my personal favorite in the series. Reader response: widely regarded as one of the weaker parts of the series.
Far Too Personal? Was written in an all-night jam session, entertaining a friend. It was a romp and nothing more. Reader response: was welcomed with a flood of responses and it's still being recommended, years after the fact.
Beg Me For It? I didn't want to write. It was such an ugly idea, just horrible. Then... I thought it was technically well-crafted. But still, ugh. I'd never want to read it. Reader response: a fixture in the Ron/Draco fandom for which I receive the most interesting, well-considered reviews addressing Nazism, issues of consent, submission and domination.
Council Of Obvious Edicts? A nightmare. It took two jam sessions in chat to force myself to write it. I always thought it came out a jumbled mess. Reader response: I never worked to publish this widely, but at least one writer whose taste I hold in high regard loved it so I'm forced to reevalute.
Skinny Dipping? Pure joy. This story makes me melt with sensual pleasure, everything from the water, to the moonlight, to the color of dustmotes in the morning, the play of emotions. Reader response: a hit on the old adultfanfiction.net but the story never had legs, partially because it's technically chan (Harry's 14, Percy's 18) and it couldn't be posted on RS.org (yes, I do love this story).
For The Petulant Gods? Another silly romp, torn off the notepad and thrown into the air. Reader response: one of my most frequently recommended SG-1 stories, along with Shy Guy and Fools Can Dream.
Two Way Mirror? One of my most carefully written pieces. I wrote this one with a slide-rule and still feel a sense of pride. Reader response: People liked it, and then it quickly faded into the background.
Colony Atlantis? I've never done so many total re-writes and I loved it. This had four incarnations and almost tripled in length. First it was a light, but incomplete comedy. Then it was ansty with a wistful ending. Then it was angsty with a romantic fluffy ending. Then it finally became, well, the story I posted. Reader response: not wildly popular, but received a lot of interesting, thoughtful reviews. Those who read it, it seemed to make them think.
Guy Talk? In 2003 I was sure I'd lost the ability to write, that the creative spark was gone and this sad piece of work was all I could do after that initial burst of activity. Reader response: one of my most long-lasting, well-liked stories.
I've decided the author doesn't know. The author responds to certain aspects of the story -- for example, the water images from Skinny Dipping are from my childhood growing up on a lake. Council Of Obvious Edicts was written under a tight deadline when I had miserable time being the moderator of the Fic-A-Thon.
I don't love my favorites less based on a bad review. But when it comes to deciding what's good and what isn't? I leave that up to you.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 01:27 am (UTC)When you talk about revising and reworking stories, how hard they are to write, and how those are the stories fans don't really like, I think it's because the fans can smell the fear. You know, they can feel the hard work that's gone into it, and maybe that's just hard work to read, as well. Whereas a story you've tossed off quickly flows quickly, is easier to read, and maybe they can feel the joy and ease you had in writing it.
When I say 'you' there, you know I mean 'me', of course. At least that's my theory because the stories I'm 'proud' of, those I've worked hardest on, are the ones that readers don't care for. Those I've just flipped off in five minutes are the ones that readers just love to bits. Which at first used to really frustrate me, 'but I worked HARD on that!', but now I think it's because they read it and say 'I know!' so they don't really enjoy it quite as much.
Anyway, I'm not sure I'm articulating things well, there. Just that the less work and more fun I have in writing something, the more happy feedback I get from readers, and that's my theory as to why.
Conclusion? Enjoy what you're writing and don't sweat over it too much.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 02:19 am (UTC)Thanks, you're right.
Icarus
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 06:12 am (UTC)Icarus
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Date: 2006-05-23 11:53 am (UTC)Please forgive my unworthy brain.
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Date: 2006-05-23 01:05 pm (UTC)Icarus
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Date: 2006-05-21 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 06:17 am (UTC)Icarus
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 12:13 pm (UTC)Defense Training surprised me because I really feel that bits of it are out of character. However, I also know that it's because I don't personally believe a slash encounter of this magnitude would happen before Season 3. I knew other people wouldn't be bothered by that but because I felt reluctance to write it, I thought that would come through. It is my second-most read piece at JackslashDaniel.com.
Weightless is only a week old and has gotten modest, but excellent reviews. It's also for a fairly small section of the fandom since it is more or less a Daniel/Janet story. I know it's great writing (and readers agree, thank God), but I also never expected it to get a lot of readers because of the pairing.
I think good writers (yes, you) do tend to have an idea of the response they'll receive. I think that opinion can be skewed by the amount of time you put in on crafting a piece. Like, I've been working on this piece called Water Molecules for almost a year now. I have one or two people chomping at the bit for me to finish (I don't post WIPs because my writing schedule is so unpredictable), and I want it to get amazing reviews and be incredible, but will it? Am I too attached at this point? Will I ultimately be disappointed when reviews trickle in?
The writing process so affects what the writer likes/doesn't but without that context the readers can hate/love the piece however they want.
So that was me agreeing with you. ;)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 02:20 pm (UTC)Those are often my favorite stories, where I'm left sitting here thinking, "Yeah... Wow..." with a big smile on my face because often the ending caught me by surprise. (I don't mean something like a mystery story or a total left turn, but just the way the author managed to explain something in a way that maybe I sort of already knew, but I just hadn't been able to get there yet. Or...something like that. *g*)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 03:18 pm (UTC)