First draft attempt at a de-fanfic'd story

[icarus]

Okay, guys. I think this has been successfully "de-fanfic'd." The trick is inventing and inserting a original back story (two back stories in this case) and describing the characters that we usually can already visualize from canon.

My question to you -- especially if you haven't read my SG-1 fics -- does the story work for you? Does the back story make sense?

Possible problems:

- Pacing may have been screwed up by adding detail.
- Descriptions of characters may still be lacking.
- The back story might not be believable, or might not be clear. (For example, I may need to add a briefing room scene, though I really want to try to keep all the action to just the firing range.)
- My invented character names could be laaaaaaame.
- The story could just be flat-out boring without the "hook" of already loving the characters.



Even in a uniform with a gun in his hand, Evan somehow managed to look like a rumpled grad student. About as dangerous as a Pomeranian. It could have been the dangling plastic civilian I.D. badge clipped to his pocket that wobbled with every move. Or the fact that he had no stripes, just a name and a title: Evan Lawson, Ph.D., Cultural Liaison.

He shut his eyes, turning his head away as he squeezed the trigger. There came only a dull, distant click.

There was that, too.

Tom had cleared out all the snickering military personnel to cut him some slack, though Evan hadn't seemed to mind. He glanced down at the weapon and pulled off his headgear, saying, "I don't think that worked. Did it jam?" He turned the weapon over in his hand. "It is loaded."

Major Tom Sheridan tipped his head, noncommittal, swiping at his nose. He pushed away from where he lounged against the wall to check it out. "Well, for starters, let's try it with the safety off." He showed Evan the button.

"Oh." Evan winced, eyes crinkling.

"And another little, teeny thing." Tom pressed his lips together as if suppressing a smile. "You could try looking at the target you're shooting at. Just a suggestion." He handed the weapon back to Evan and folded his arms, face communicating nothing. Tom could have been a recruitment poster for the military except for the persistent smirk that seemed to find even the Marines funny.

Evan sighed. "I'm going to be accepted as cultural specialist on your team and then the general is going to refuse to sign off on the paperwork because I can't qualify." He turned to Tom, already building up a full head of steam. "What does it matter? You need me out there. You need my language skills -- you can train a soldier to speak Farsi but it takes years to understand the intricacies of the society -- you need my knowledge of the culture, the writing. No one here can so much as read a stop sign."

"They have stop signs?" Tom interrupted, puzzled.

"No. Not likely." Evan blinked, startled for a moment, then he plowed ahead, "What does it matter if I can shoot as well as you or Carter when that's not going to be my job? I'm a linguist, a cultural liaison, a--"

The major held up a hand. "You're not gonna shoot as well as me, not on your first go around. But I'll settle for you being able to protect yourself out there. You don't have to qualify today." He smirked, stuffed his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. "I'll settle for tomorrow."

A light dawned in those bright blue eyes, flicking up to Tom's face. "You're requiring that I do this. Not the general. It's not standard for AF-SOC teams."

"This team, even the whole concept is brand spanking new. No one's ever tried to cross a military A-team with the Peace Corps. We don't have standards yet. But I'm your team leader. It's my ass if you get shot out there. More than that, it's my fault. Now," He nodded at the target, stepping forward to grip Evan's hand, pointing it. His chest pressed to Evan's back, one hand cupping his shoulder he guided his arm and said, "Pretend it's that high school bully who used beat you up for your lunch money."

"I was home schooled," Evan complained, but he pulled the headgear on and took aim at the target. Tom stepped away. The loud pop was muffled and the gun jerked unexpectedly in his hand.

"That was better."

"Did I hit it?" Evan pulled the headgear off again.

"No. But the gun actually fired this time, which is a noticeable improvement." Evan rolled his eyes at him. "Look, Evan, I know you can do this. I saw you talk down that nutjob with your gibberish--"

"Farsi. And I didn't talk Az Aldin down, he started firing!"

"--and you did great. You got the gun, figured out what to do with it and you hit what you were aiming at on the first try. I was very impressed, in fact, pleased, given that I was tied up and he was going to shoot me."

"Lives were at stake. Mine included."

He smiled and patted Evan's shoulder. "You want this, right?"

"Let's see… poverty, working at MacDonalds with a Ph.D, or a chance to actually use my skills and get paid. Hmm, there's a tough call," he said wryly. He let the gun slip lower, eyes going distant and vague. "Though maybe I could take another chance on those grants…."

"Yeah, uh," Tom winced with sharp breath through his teeth. "I wouldn't count on that."

"They want me that badly?" Evan gave him a canny look.

Tom had the grace to look a little guilty as he coughed into his hand. "I recommended you very highly."

Evan frowned. "You said you were just going to buy me a beer."

"Among other things."

Evan sighed and looked down at the nine millimeter Beretta in his hand as if were going to come to life and wriggle away. "My father didn't believe in guns. He would never understand this. I mean, he'd understand my wanting to do something a little off the beaten track. In fact," Evan gave a wry smile, "he's the only person I know who would have believed in my research." He looked up. "But he'd have refused to even touch a gun. I know him. He'd rather be shot."

"I'm glad you're not him then or we wouldn't be having this conversation." Tom rubbed his eyes like he had a headache. "I saw you. You've already crossed this line with whatshisface."

"Az Aldin," Evan corrected him again absently. "This is different. Premeditated. That day, it was like … Moses pointing a stick at the Red Sea. You don't really expect it to work." He folded his lips over his teeth and looked at the weapon in his hands. "I've been taught my whole life you don't kill people. Not if there's another way."

"I'm not entirely sure those Jihadists are people exactly."

"They are, Tom. They're living, breathing, intelligent sentient beings."

Tom leaned against the concrete wall, tapping out a rhythm with his palms. He sighed. "I don't think I like your dad."

"Excuse me?" Evan blinked, wide-eyed, and sounded a bit offended, but Tom ignored it.

"He sounds like the kind of guy who would have let everyone die. He's the sort that could hang out with Idi Amin and just 'studied the culture' as is." Tom wrinkled his nose and said sarcastically, "Keep it natural and pure, never mind what's goin' on. Maybe make a bunch of National Geographic films about the quaint custom of, oh, eviscerating folks alive and what it means."

"Oh, right. Every time someone tries to understand another culture they're accused of moral relativism when in fact if we stopped to figure out what was going on and why, we could avert tragedy." Evan held out the gun, handle-first for Tom to take it, just as he'd been taught. "That's what I'm here for. That's my purpose on your team. Not this."

Tom didn't accept the gun. His mouth made a firm hard line and he asked, "Would you have left them?"

"What?"

"In that bank." Tom's eyes narrowed at Evan, his voice raising incrementally as he went on, "Let's say you could have walked away Scott-free. Would you have left everyone else to die?"

Evan was silent a moment. Then said quietly, "No."

"See? I knew I liked you more than your dad." He pushed the gun back towards Evan. "Some things take firepower, Evan. It's a fact of life and you've seen it in action. So stop wasting time. We have a mission in three days and you're going to qualify by then."

"You haven't won this, Tom," Evan said, putting his headgear back on and leveling the gun at the target. He separated his feet, wriggling his hips in an attempt to get comfortable. His stance was all wrong, but first thing's first.

Tom slid on his sunglasses and slouched against the back wall, giving Evan a tight, smug grin. "Yes, I have."

~*~*~

It was late and most of the gun range had cleared out.

The mechanism whirred as the last paper target fluttered forward. There were four holes in the black circles, one very good shot -- Evan's first was always his best -- several in the white, and a couple of clean misses. He was good shooting from a prone position, and standing up, and he was brutal and fast at close range, unflinching. But for some reason kneeling and shooting around cover was a dead loss.

"I'm not gonna qualify, Tom." Evan sat on the hard concrete floor and put his head in his hands. "The mission's tomorrow. I'll see … I'll see if I can figure out someone who can replace me … I just," he shook his head, "… no. There isn't anyone. I can't teach you want you need to know in a night any more than you can teach me how to shoot in three days. I have to go--"

"Evan, relax." Tom slid to floor next to him with a grunt. "You're good enough. It wasn't likely you were going to qualify anyway, I just had hopes. But even cops have a whole …" He drew a sudden blank on how long police training was, so he generalized. "… training period to do it."

Evan was silent.

"I don't want to become you, Tom," he said finally, in a quiet voice, remembering to click the safety on his weapon as he set it on the ground next to him. Evan never touched the gun if he didn't have to. "No offense."

"None taken." Tom picked up a stray shell and tossed at a dangling paper target. It hit easily, a glancing blow. "There are quite a few people who say there's one too many of me in the world as it is."

"Such as?" Evan raised his eyebrows curiously.

"Most of my commanding officers," Tom admitted and nudged Evan with an elbow, laughing.

Evan grinned at him. "Yeah, I can see that."

~*~*~

Shell casings were scattered on the floor and Tom nodded at an enlisted man, indicating that he should go, and got a grudging nod in return.

The exchange went completely unnoticed by the man at the third pit down, his glasses hidden behind yellow goggles. His tac vest and jacket were in a pile on the floor at his feet, his grubby pack leaned against the dividing wall between the bays. His boots still splattered with mud from their first mission.

Evan paused only briefly in his firing to swear at his Beretta as it jammed.

"If you clean it, it'll jam less," Tom advised, approaching cautiously. They were all tanned and thinner from months in country, with the tired air of a mission gone badly awry.

Evan didn't say anything but switched out the clip and exchanged it for another one. He commenced firing again. Tom waited till he emptied the entire clip before moving any closer.

"So," he began with mock cheer. "I hear from Carter that you got a little, uh …" Tom struggled for a word. "… trigger happy on the way out."

Evan didn't look up from reloading his weapon as he muttered into his chest, "They were killers. Each and every one of them."

"Hey, shooting at the enemy's never a problem with me," Tom agreed, raising his hands in surrender. "I don't have Carter's issues with you going a little beyond your job description." He wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "But, ah, it's just a bit of a jump for one mission, don't you think? World peace, cultural liaison… ring a bell?" Tom asked more softly, edging into Evan's space and folding his arms, deliberately casual, "What's going on?"

Evan gave him a slow stare as if Tom had asked an incredibly stupid question. Which indeed he had. Their local intel. He thought those two had gotten a little too close.

"You weren't supposed to develop the contact on your own, Evan," Tom reminded him gently. "If Kaldi knew anything you were supposed to pass her up the food chain."

Evan answered with a bitter snort, hanging his head as he rubbed his eyes. "Right. Like she'd trust anyone else."

Yeah, Tom never thought that would work. Not even the military could mandate friendships.

"We'll get your girlfriend back, Evan," Tom answered his silence with utter seriousness. "It might just take some time before Syria cooperates again. But we're going back, trust me. The mission's been declared a 'qualified success.'"

"Is that what they're calling it?"

"We're going back."

They stood silently in the empty gun range, the smell of cordite still hanging in the air. Evan brushed some spent shell casings to the floor. They pinged off the concrete.

Tom said finally, "This is the last place I expected you to be."

"I still have to qualify." Evan's voice was way too quiet.

"I can postpone that, you know." Evan blinked over at Tom, not quite seeing him it seemed. Tom hit the button and the target rolled forward.

Just as he suspected, Evan's shots were wild.

"Why don't we get a drink instead of wasting ammo? I think you need that a lot more than you need practice right now."

Evan nodded and bent down to pick up his pack, his gun forgotten on the counter. Tom quickly stripped it, cleaned it, then handed it back reassembled to Evan, who awkwardly holstered the weapon. He was still not quite able to find his holster without looking.

~*~*~

"Evan!" Tom snapped for a second time, voice echoing down the range. Finally the headgear came off.

"What?!" Evan said, his voice loud from speaking over gunfire. He looked as irritated as if he'd just been interrupted in his office doing translations. Several soldiers glanced at them, then continued shooting.

"I have you signed up for your test! 0900 tomorrow. Bright and shiny," Tom grinned, swinging his arms. But Evan was already shaking his head.

"Tom. I can't." The safety went on, an automatic gesture at this point, the gun as natural as a pen in Evan's hand. "I have stacks of intercepted transmissions to translate, cell phone transcripts, and no one else can seem to tell what's crucial from a grocery list or the Al-Jihad Al-Islami fi Filastin from the Bait al-Maqdas for that matter, plus I've got that meeting with Mossad--"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Tom held up a finger. "It's been over a year. Everyone else has qualified, even the scientists. You are the only one."

"Tom, that's because, in case you haven't noticed, I'm doing two jobs." Evan's stance was stubborn. "I keep up with my training just like everyone else, I've demonstrated in no uncertain terms that I can handle it. At this point qualifying's academic."

"It's a requirement!"

"You made up the requirement!" Evan lowered his voice to a more reasonable tone. "Tom, I need four research assistants for the data retrieval project alone. I have one. One, Tom. I trained somebody for our archives? He's on a mission. A librarian. Because we need people that desperately. Either hire a supervisor or promote me."

"Evan…." Tom began, but was interrupted by a flood of … Evan-ness. The two soldiers paused in their firing to watch the good doctor take a slice out of, yes, his commanding officer. Not that Evan ever remembered.

"Yet we're having trouble recruiting. We can't just reassign the best people; it's not like the military where you just request the best and brightest like filling out, oh," he waved a hand, "a purchase order." Evan ran his hand through his hair in genuine frustration. "The military keeps blowing it, scaring them off. A linguist sees 'top secret' and they think 'Los Alamos' in the best case, and 'my work will never see the light of day' in the worst. If they would just would let me handle the recruitment I could hint at what we do without--"

"And hand you yet another job?" Tom interrupted and threw up his hands, turning in a circle. He put his hands on his hips. "Okay. You win. But you suck at delegating, Evan."

"Give me some people to delegate to and, trust me, I'll develop the capacity."

~*~*~

They had always said they'd go back to the site of that first mission. It was no one's fault that it took two years.

The firing range was pitch dark, with only the red exit and emergency signs lit. Tom almost left to look elsewhere, when he saw a hint of movement, a shifting of long legs on the floor. He pushed the door open and walked over to sit by Evan, giving a complaining and overly loud grunt.

"You need a candle?" Tom asked.

Evan snorted, sounding a little hoarse. Tom saw him run a hand over his face.

"It's usually easier to hit the targets with the lights on, but, you know, in the kung-fu movies they practice blind-folded so…."

"I can't hit the broad side of the barn in the dark," Evan said in a low voice.

"Yeah, we've tried that, haven't we?"

"A couple of times," Evan nodded.

Tom leaned forward. "Look, I know how mad you are at Carter -- and you have every right to be -- but there wasn't much else he could do. He had to choose you or your girlfriend. You can't hold it against him that he picked his friend and teammate. You would've chosen differently, but you're the one he cares about."

There was a dangerous pause. "Is that what you think?"

"Yeah?" Tom said, questioning.

"Tom." Evan sighed. "I'm just thinking."

"Good," Tom said cautiously, "thinking's good."

Evan continued as if he hadn't heard Tom, his face clearer as Tom's eyes adjusted to the bad light. "I'm just thinking that everyone I've ever shot -- every one, every person -- had someone they cared about as much as, as much as I -- as much as Kaldi." He could barely say it and stared straight ahead. He swallowed. "Carter's the type … he doesn't forget that. But I did. It had stopped being real to me. "

Evan made a helpless incomplete gesture, the anger tightening along his jaw. "I just couldn't understand why he was so damned calm about it."

"He's calm about everything, you know that," Tom broke in.

"Shut up, Tom, this is important." Evan said, rather rudely Tom thought. "He was calm about it because her death was the same as everyone else's. I thought that was a problem but I was wrong. It's not that he valued her less than he should have but that he values everyone equally. He never forgets that he's taking a life, and what that life's worth. Ever. But I had."

Tom banged the back of his head lightly against the wall, exhaling.

Without looking at Evan, Tom folded his hands on his knees and said, "You haven't become me, Evan."

"What?" Then Evan seemed to remember. "Oh. No, you have your own moral code, good guys and bad guys. I know that."

Tom squinted at him in irritated confusion. "You don't think these terrorists are evil bastards?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," he said apologetically. "I can't … I can't oversimplify it like that any more." He explained, tipping his head along the wall towards Tom. "She was one of them."

"Kaldi helped us. They were her family, she couldn't leave -- and then she was brainwashed. An innocent victim. Don't mix up who the bad guys are, Evan, it'll only confuse you." Tom pointed at him emphatically. "You're the good guy. With the white hat and the revolver and everything."

"I'm really not so sure about that," Evan said softly. "I've become something I've never wanted to be. If I could have killed Carter this week I think I would have -- and he felt so bad he probably would've let me." Evan's voice was dry with dark humor. "To expiate his guilt in my eyes. No matter what that would have done to me."

Tom grimaced and indicated Evan with his chin. "And what about your moral code?"

"I don't think I have one." Evan spread his hands and dropped them. "Not for this."

"Bullshit, Evan."

Evan shifted his legs and flung something, a spent shell casing, bit of paper, it was hard to tell. He settled back against the wall with a sigh.

"And yet," Tom added in a carefully controlled voice, his eyes narrowed, "I note that you've finally signed up for your qualification test."

There was a pause, a frozen silence. Evan didn't move a muscle.

"Help me out here, Evan." Tom leaned closer, staring at him intensely. "I'm confused."

Evan took a breath and let it out, very carefully, equally controlled. "I said I'd stay, didn't I?"

Tom hoped that he didn't sound plaintive when he asked, "And you were going to do it without me?"

Evan chuckled as he answered, "I figured you'd notice."

~*~*~

At Evan's request they cleared the firing range. It had become something of an event and the bets flew. The rest of the team complained bitterly at being shut out, though Carter gave him a meaningful smile which could have meant anything but Tom thought he understood. The only person Evan wanted there was Tom and the private who handled the targets.

Evan had tacked his jacket over the little window in the door. Just as a precaution, he said. Then with nervous hands he assembled the clips. The course was already laid out. He took a deep breath, blinking hard as he looked up. Tom waited for a nod that he was ready.

Tom set his stopwatch and, at Evan's nod, announced, "Fire at your own pace!"

Evan drew his Beretta and sprawled prone, the movement fluid and practiced. He fired ten steady bursts into the target area -- a dot at 35 feet -- ejected the clip, reloaded and moved forward to the next mark. Tom could see the adrenaline flush, his shallow breath as he holstered his weapon.

Evan drew, and fired five bursts with his right hand, stance perfect, then switched, and fired five more with his left. He winced as the left-handed shots went wide.

The target was changed out again. Evan moved to the barricade and reloaded.

He bumped the barricade but steadied his hand as he fired five shots from behind it, then switched more easily, scrambling around it as he fired with the left. Breathing heavily, hands shaking, Evan took his next mark, ejected the clip and reloaded.

Evan moved closer and fired ten fast bursts with his good hand, one-handed. Tom smiled. Those were some of his best shots so far.

Evan took his next mark and paused. Edged closer.

He dropped to his knee and fired two-handed, ten shots. Reloaded.

Evan paused, moved forward, and crouched behind the low barricade, firing from the right. Fired five with his left hand. Sweat beaded on his forehead.

Evan stood at close range and emptied the clip into the target, teeth gritted, concentration intense. Then he stopped, and shut his eyes, appearing to finally breathe as his shoulders sagged, all but dropping the Beretta.

Tom collected the targets. He planned to add up these scores himself.

He smirked as he pulled down that last one. "You're always scary on the close range."

"That's how close I was to Az Aldin when he nearly killed you," Evan said, sitting on the floor, his face damp with nervous sweat.

Tom paused with a blink, then continued marking his scores.

"So … uh … how'd I do?"

Evan hovered. Tom brushed him away, saying out loud as he gazed at the ceiling, tapping his lips, "… hmm, carry the two … plus six … that would be…."

"They have calculators, Tom," Evan said wryly.

Tom waved an impatient hand. Then at last, he heaved a sigh, covering the scores with his palm.

"Well, I did tell you -- long, long ago, I might add -- that you wouldn't match me, right?"

"I passed, didn't I?" Evan's forehead crinkled with worry. "Oh, shit, that would suck if after all these years I'm not able to pass. You wouldn't take me off the team, would you? No, you'd have to, to set an example because otherwise it wouldn't be fair…."

"Evan."

"I mean I can always retake it, get some work done on base in the interim. I was a little slow on the barricade…."

"Evan."

"… but it shouldn't matter because what I've accomplished on these missions should far outweigh my abilities as--"

"Evan. Can it."

He held up the scores. Which had Marksman circled in black magic marker.

Tom's eyes twinkled as Evan's jaw dropped.

"I'm afraid that'll have to do for now, but if you really want to beat me you'll … hey! Hey!" Evan scooped up a handful of spent shell casings and pelted Tom with them, stepping forward with another handful. Tom hunched protectively, laughing. "I'm your commanding officer, I can have you written up for this--!"

Then Evan grabbed him in a big bear hug. Tom returned it with interest, squeezing his relieved friend tight. He mumbled in Evan's ear, "Did you think for one second that you were anything less?" Tom held him out at arms-length, shaking his head with a snort of laughter. "You wouldn't have made it, Evan. Not a chance. I knew after that first shot that you'd be good."

Evan just laughed and grinned. "Well, I think my bones have turned to Jell-o…."

Tom slung his arm around Evan's shoulders. "Yeah, the test is harder than being shot at. At least when you miss, the bad guys aren't grading you." He tipped his head in the general direction of the door. "Miller time?"

"Oh yeah."

He ruffled Evan's hair, guiding him out of the range. He ripped Evan's coat off the door, one-handed, tacks flying. "Can I tell Carter you flunked? Because it was so much fun when I had you going."

Evan made a show of thinking about it, tipping his head. "Ummm … no."





Since the prof sneereth at sci-fi and fantasy ("I'm not going to allow the other students to write genre fiction"), I picked a story that I could take out of sci-fi.

The goal is to prove to the professor that I'm experienced enough that I can take on the 50,000-word nanowrimo as my one of my assignments for the course. I want to do nanowrimo this year, but I'm afraid that if I don't include with my creative writing classwork, either nano or my homework will suffer badly.

So. What do you think?

Comments

[dancing-moon.livejournal.com]

It doesn't... um. I don't want to sound rude or anything, but I don't really feel that I should care much about these figures. You hint at interesting conflicts and some deeper issues, but it feels like the beginning of a story (or a backstory) that never goes anywhere.

I dunno. Guys shooting isn't a story that tempts me much even if I knew the fandom, so maybe I'm just not an audience for this.
Though, I think a lot of the fun with these snapshot things is how much we, the readers, know and how we can go "ah-ha! so that's why s/he.... ohh, yes, that could be a reason" and here it just floats alone. So, either more backstory, or give every little scene a better grip/hook, something to catch a reader more in the now=

(my knowledge of Stargate is only the movie btw)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

*nods* I just read it and I got the same feeling.

That's the hard part about de-fanficing. The core of the fanfic is that the reader knows Daniel (who's Evan here) and how alien he is to this sort of military life, how conflicted he is.

Hmm. It loses it potency mostly because Daniel joined the military teams in order to save his wife (the one he married on Abydos in the movie). There's a much bigger conflict there, and he doesn't have an option to say no to the military angle. It's a necessity. Here, Evan chooses his course.

The characterization isn't entirely lost, but you're right, the story tension is. Though this is better than the last one I tried.

Hmmm.

I have original fics, but they're too short, the long one's gay porn, and the other one's more of a beginning to a novel than a short story.

Icarus

[florahart]

You still have a few grammar things--I'm not sure whether you want this picked at.

I don't think I've read *this* story before (though the first bit feels familiar, so maybe I have and it just is changed enough I don't think I have), but I'm pretty sure I know who's who, and since I do know that, it's hard for me to say for certain whether the characters stand alone. I think they do, though.

Are you at all worried the professor will find the other version on line and be concerned about plagiarism? Or does he know this is you reworking something you've written before?

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I'm not at the point of needing a grammar pick, though I suspect most of what you're looking at is deliberate on my part. Right now I'm just trying to see if this can work at all, or if loses too much out of context.

Are you at all worried the professor will find the other version on line and be concerned about plagiarism? Or does he know this is you reworking something you've written before?

I can tell him I've re-worked it, but he already knows I've published it online. It's not going to be graded and isn't a formal part of the class. It's just that I'm asking for a favor and he wants to see my writing first, to glean whether or not I can really write.

You see, if I suck, if I need to work on basics like characterization, plot arc, point of view, a hook, then there's no point in letting me do extra for the class. This is informal, but I'm also proving myself.

Icarus

[psycho-tabby.livejournal.com]

Even in a uniform with a gun in his hand, Evan somehow managed to look like a rumpled grad student. About as dangerous as a Pomeranian.

I know you didn't want this beta read, just read for how it felt, but to me it would read better with some sort of comma between the uniform and with bit, or just changed around. And I have no idea what a Pomeranian is, i'm assuming a small fluffy dog?


"I don't want to become you, Tom," he said finally, in a quiet voice, remembering to click the safety on his weapon as he set it on the ground next to him. Evan never touched the gun if he didn't have to. "No offense."

"None taken." Tom picked up a stray shell and tossed at a dangling paper target. It hit easily, a glancing blow. "There are quite a few people who say there's one too many of me in the world as it is."

"Such as?" Evan raised his eyebrows curiously.

"Most of my commanding officers," Tom admitted and nudged Evan with an elbow, laughing.

liked this bit

Still seems a bit sci-fie with that enemy not being all human, just if you were worried about it.

I enjoyed it, though I think the last line is pretty weak and doesn't really end it that well.

I think the test scene was slightly off, just with him pausing all the time for what seemed like no reason ( I'm not saying there isn't a reason, but it just read as strange to me, fight then pause, fight then pause, didn't run well in my head)

The scene after it was great, really liked that. (Tom stalling when telling him if he has passed and him aceing it)

Oh i'm bad bad bad bad bad, I kept reading it as slashy. I want to go try the real one now.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Well, the real one's right here: First Time A Soldier (http://www.icarus.slashcity.net/stories/firsttimeasoldier.html).

Yep, a Pomeranian's a small fluffy dog. :)

I think the test scene was slightly off, just with him pausing all the time for what seemed like no reason ( I'm not saying there isn't a reason, but it just read as strange to me, fight then pause, fight then pause, didn't run well in my head)

Well, that's how the test is. You're not fighting, you're moving from one mark to the next, drawing closer and closer to the target. If this were the only problem, I would say I have a story I could send the prof. Unfortunately....

Still seems a bit sci-fie with that enemy not being all human, just if you were worried about it.

I wish that and comma placement were my biggest concerns about the de-fanficc'd version of this story.

One of the things we do in fanfic is we allude to canon, play with it, shave it. Without the knowledge of canon, it falls flat. All the subtlety drains out. This story at least relied heavily on character interaction, took a distant POV that didn't assume you know much about them. But the backstory, and the way everything hinges on your knowing about Sha're and Daniel's attitudes, is a problem.

Icarus

[psycho-tabby.livejournal.com]

Also *reading other comments* that to make it work it probably needs to be condensed to give it more omf!

I think I agree with another commenter when saying that it feels like the lead in to something else, not a stand alone. And I havn't read your story but have read a small amount of SG1 fics, and the characters I know were comming through too strong for me to be objective.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

the characters I know were comming through too strong for me to be objective.

The people who know the characters I think are probably going to respond more positively, filling in detail that I don't provide.

I think I agree with another commenter when saying that it feels like the lead in to something else, not a stand alone.

It shouldn't, and doesn't as a fanfic. I'm wondering why.

This is my most successful attempt at "de-fanficcing," and the kinds of changes people are asking for are just fundamental.

Also *reading other comments* that to make it work it probably needs to be condensed to give it more omf!

I can't see how it can be condensed. We're already getting very short clips and scenes, and I'm concerned that for someone who doesn't already know the characters less might be a problem. Plus, the above commentors said the opposite, that they're getting hints of the story, and they were actually asking for more.

Maybe this one's a bad choice. It relies on a lot of SG-1 backstory (Sha're, Abydos, Teal'c) that I can't replace easily.

Icarus

[forked.livejournal.com]

Hm- I'm not familiar with the fic or the fandom, which is probably good for this exercise. I had two little quibbles- both sort of POV related:

Tom had cleared out all the snickering military personnel to cut him some slack, though Evan hadn't seemed to mind

Seemed we were looking at it from Evan's pov- thus the 'hadn't seemed to mind' felt wrong.

He smiled and patted Evan's shoulder. "You want this, right?"

I'd switch 'he' to 'Tom' as I felt slight confusion.

They had always said they'd go back to the site of that first mission. It was no one's fault that it took two years.

The firing range was pitch dark,...

I'd move the first paragraph in that section- start with the second. Er- it's more a matter of flow or something. Eh- hard to explain, but 'felt off' to me starting it with that sentence.
______________________

Overall- I think it does a nice job of demonstrating your writing ability and it does a nice job of character building. I also tend to like stories that let you put together what's going on- fill in the background based on what IS presented. I like all that.

Where I think it falls down a bit is sort of like dancing_moon suggests- it doesn't feel like it goes somewhere. It lacks a little punch. Or rather- it does go somewhere- Even qualifies. But that's not a very interesting somewhere- and there are more interesting 'somewhere's' that seem to be building up- the movement from 'doesn't like guns' to 'trigger happy' to 'realizing he's changed and not liking it'- and then the final scene concludes with 'yay, I qualified'. Which isn't really all that important anyway.

So- whether this will convince the prof, I don't know. Writing skill wise, I'd say so. Even plot wise- I think that works. Sort of. It's more the intersection of plot and theme- what is the fic trying to say. What's the bigger/deeper thing. It seems to break down a little there to me- and it's more obvious that it does break down because these deeper issues are brought up. It almost might be more powerful if he qualifies and then quits- or something. Anyway, seems to me the interesting progression, the deeper one, is Evan's approach to violence and the sanctity of life- maybe even in contrast to his Dad- maybe he decides his dad was right and he shouldn't have killed that first guy? Or maybe he doesn't.

But the 'big theme' bit is where it seems a little weak to me- whether that will matter to the prof in these circumstances? I don't know. Hell- I don't know he'd see it the same way!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh, eureka! (Yes, you are the perfect person to read and critique this story.)

I don't have to stay married to the original ending and theme. *slaps forehead* The theme was relying on canon, Big Important Issues lurking in the background that the fanfic readers in the fandom knew about. But I don't have to stick to canon. *laughs at self*

Hmm. The tension in the story (without the canon background) is really between Evan's belief that he's the only one who could do this job and then the aspects of the job he's uncomfortable with.

Let me think this through out loud... what I need to consider is the fact that the type of mission he was on initially was not supposed to have him in a military role. The gun was supposed to be a last resort, just to protect himself. But they are going into "hot" zones and the military action is inevitable (sort of like women in the military being in "non combat" roles; yeah, right).

He can't avoid it, yet he believes he's the only one who can do the "peaceful aspect" of his job. Scholarly arrogance. That needs to be drawn out. Also, he's a bit of a control freak and tries to do everything himself because he believes he'll do it better than others.

He needs to grow. He needs to go from "it's part of the job, isn't it?" to "I'm not the only person who can do this, and that part of the job I won't do." We need a little bit more resistance from him, too. Not just quoting his father, but paint a little bit more about his attitudes towards the organization.

Maybe -- hopefully -- show how the sense of responsibility (and arrogance) draws us into doing well stuff that we don't actually believe in.

I'm thinking of adding two scenes.

One would be the general describing what they do to the assembled team. It might bring the group into focus, it's high-flying ideals. Then Evan can complain and give out his attitudes about their organization.

Evan stacked the file folders left behind. There was intelligence in them that had to be shredded. "I'm not sure establishing a military intelligence agency under Rumsfeld is such a good idea. The lack of oversight alone--"

Tom can cut him off (protect) him, "Can we bite the hand that feeds us later? This is our last chance at American food for a while. You can rant at me over dinner."

"Good point," Evan conceded. "When I was studying in Cairo I missed hot dogs...."

Tom snapped his fingers and pointed. "Now you're talking!"

It would be one of two scenes that would happen outside of the shooting range. Then we'd add a new ending, one where we continue the motif of having the conversation after the action's occurred. It would be in the same room as the general's speech, but Evan would be alone and Tom would come see him... after he's just quit.

"Don't fight me on this, Tom."

Tom'll raise both hands, "Okay. I just... you passed."

"Yes. I did."

Then maybe the we need you speech.

"No, you don't. I'm not the only person who can do this job. I thought I was..." and "...I thought I was doing some good" and "it's matters more what I become."

Tom: "This isn't goodbye forever, I hope?"

"Well, that depends." Tom raised his eyebrows, curious, and Evan smiles. "How hungry are you?"

Tom flips his car keys in his hand, and grins. "I'll drive."

For Tom, he doesn't care if Evan stays on or not, he just wants to keep his friend. That was part of why he recruited him. Evan was good, but he also simply liked him.

Icarus

[twistedrecesses.livejournal.com]

There's one bit that felt particularly awkward: "Evan said, rather rudely Tom thought"

It just doesn't feel right.
Other than that, the characters are good, the backstory is clear enough, and the story is enjoyable. I'd like to see a little more depth, because there wasn't anything presented that really grabbed me about either of them although the potential is certainly there.
It's a nice piece, but it could use more.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

it could use more.

Yeah. By taking out the canon events that it built around the theme, as forked pointed out, wisps away. In the original, his wife (not a girlfriend like Kaldi) is the reason he joins, then a member of the team has to choose between Daniel/Evan's life and shooting his wife. He quits, then decides to rejoin the team, choosing to consciously accept a lot of what he'd just glossed over before, changing the course of his life.

The fanfic story then uses the shooting as a metaphor for Daniel[Evan]'s changing relationship with the military and his closest friend. There's also quite a bit of UST. ;)

Here, these events are all watered down because I can't reference entire episodes in shorthand.

But if I let myself view the story as an original piece, maybe I can unfreeze my mind enough to tease out a new theme. Maybe.

This is starting to feel like filling hors d'eouvres.

Icarus

[twistedrecesses.livejournal.com]

I realized, after I posted that comment, that the reason I felt their relationship was lacking in fullness was that this is a piece that has been de-fanficced. While there is backstory, I don't know these characters inside and out, as an SGA fan might.

So, give me more. Find ways to expand their relationship in a way that improves the experience for me, being outside of that particular fannage.
...and by me, I mean the generalized reader.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't hold them to their canon personalities, because this isn't fanfiction anymore.

[twistedrecesses.livejournal.com]

SG-1, sorry.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I was looking for a shortcut. I didn't want to write an entirely new piece for something so... minor. I thought, "Christ. I have 160 fanfics. At least one of these should be something I could to demonstrate I can write."

*sighs* No such luck.

Icarus

[sociofemme.livejournal.com]

Note: I've never read SG-1 fic--barely ever watched the show, even. Also, I can read a story and tell you if it's not working, but I'm pretty vague about why it didn't work for me--I just don't have the vocabulary for the craft. But here's my try anyway.

I tried to get into this story, I really did, but you sort of lost me. I was like, okay, military team taking on a language expert, sure...now why do I care? why is that different? And also, what the hell's going on? They're telling me about something really exciting--apparently Evan shot a guy? and then his girlfriend's been kidnapped?--but the firing range was much less so. It felt like you were describing episodes that the reader should be familiar with, within a time framework that I didn't quite get. Did the sections create flashbacks? Or was time jumping forward for each one? Was it all in the firing range and they were just talking or thinking all that time? So confused!

[whimseywisp.livejournal.com]

It just doesn't feel very cohesive to me. There is too much discussion about things that aren't actually happening in the story. And I'm really confused about Carter and Kaldi and their importance to the story.

I definitely liked the way the story began, and I like the idea of Evan learning to shoot, but in general, there just wasn't enough going on in this to keep my interest.

Analysis?

[wordwitch.livejournal.com]

Okay, you've got a few word-choice issues, but the larger problem is this:

the story doesn't arc. It needs more power at the transition points, and - although Evan makes a good overwhelming scene there in the middle where they're talking about the workload he's got - the tension of I have to and I can't isn't as strong as it should be.

I know you can put in emotional intensity because I've watched you do it. But it just doesn't seem present here.

I'll be interested to see your re-write.

Re: Analysis?

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

This isn't an original story, just so you know.

What you're looking at is the fundamental problem with "de-fanficcing" -- taking a fanfic story and turning it into original fiction. I'm discovering that you can't just change a few details and expect the story to hold up.

This is my second attempt, and I find that in fanfic, once you remove the canon, the story is gutted. If there's any tie to canon at all, you lose so much. Most fanfic authors develop themes and loose threads that canon leaves lying around, and allude to episodes and various aspects to canon.

The fanfiction version of this story alludes to events in the Stargate movie, "Children of the Gods," "Forever In A Day," and more obliquely references themes developed in seasons 4 and 5, and still later seasons (season 7 and 8) where the main character has become less an academic and more of soldier.

There's also a meta commentary on the Stargate SG-1 fandom, a large number of whom miss the earlier "geeky" version of the character.

All of that is gone. *fwip*

I find the process of de-fanficcing is not just changing the names and adding some details to replace the missing backstory. You have to step back from the fanfic and revisualize the story entirely.

It may not even be possible, or it may not be worth the effort.

Icarus

[filenotch.livejournal.com]

I'll give you an "almost," and I haven't read the original story. I liked this. I'd like to beta it, in fact. There are some things you do consistantly that pulled me out of the story (things I've had beaten out of me by other writers).

There are some pacing issues and some clarity issues. Shot through, though, is the assumptions built into their interactions based on the (canon) Jack and Daniel relationship. That gave me some problems. Jack and Daniel seem to have taken on the 'old married couple' interaction style early in canon, but that's not common IRL, and there's too much of it here for these guys, at least given what you've shown us.

I like the changes in Evan through time. I think there's a lot of good stuff in here. It has a lot of potential. I want to beat on beta it, which is a good sign.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I think if I had anyone beta it, I wouldn't choose someone who knew Jack and Daniel.

But it's not at that point at any rate. I don't want someone beta-ing material this raw.

This is an experiment to see if de-fanficing is even possible. At the moment, I'm rather discouraged and don't think it is. Even if I can salvage something out of this story, it will still be flat compared to the original fanfic. All of the layered references, the subtleties are just gone.

As soon as I removed the canon from First Time A Soldier (http://www.icarus.slashcity.net/stories/firsttimeasoldier.html), the story was completely gutted. We lost the entire theme. How the hell do you replace a theme?

I'd have to step back and revisualize the entire story, and I'm wondering if I'm not just better off writing an entire story from scratch at that point. At least I wouldn't be stuck on the original and comparing it with this of frustration and loss.

Like I said, feeling discouraged at the moment. I'm growing more and more convinced that fanfics can't be taken out of canon.

Icarus

[swtalmnd]

I think the problem with stripping fic like this is twofold, one that you lose all that implied backstory, and two that you love the characters and settings as they are, and so you also feel a bit cheated by having to give them up.

I would recommend what you do is sit down and figure out how you feel about Tom and Evan, and who they are, what their backstory really is, and then write a fic with them in mind. Even if it uses this basic structure -- set mostly or entirely at the firing range, going from useless to qualifying and losing a part of himself in the process, feeling himself change, does he stay or go. There's still too much Daniel in here for me, too much the specific feeling of Daniel who thinks aliens made the pyramids and no one believes him -- there's no reason for him to be an out-of-work PhD unless you know that, and the idea that he's competent to liaise in the middle east but has theories only a dad could love doesn't quite mesh for me.

If you can fall in love with Evan and Tom as separate characters from Jack and Daniel, then I think you could make a powerful piece about war and necessity and morality in the face of death, but right now it is too reliant on that love of canon and the enemy being alien parasites, rather than other people who just hold different belief systems.

That said, I actually liked the parallel of Kaldi getting brainwashed, but I think I would have enjoyed it better if she'd been his friend and NOT his girlfriend -- wife was powerful in the show, but girlfriend cheapens their relationship here, puts her in a 'just' box for me, especially since she's not Sha're and not from a society where she's supposed to be giving herself to her man. She would seem a stronger, more likeable character to me (and more of a loss) if she was his friend and trusted him without compromising every part of her cultural upbringing by sleeping with him.

[filenotch.livejournal.com]

I'm growing more and more convinced that fanfics can't be taken out of canon.

Oh, that's been my stance for years. The thing I'm working on now could not be done outside the Highlander and X-files mythologies. The SGA I write wouldn''t interesting to me if it's not Sheppard and McKay - I write it when I want to say somethign about them. I have a meta (http://filenotch.livejournal.com/41865.html) on this over in my LJ (which begins with a rant some might find offensive, and settles down to a considered examination of fan and pro writing, particularly in the context of people who write for established characters in comics and TV). You might find it interesting in this context.

So my feeling is this: If it's good fan fiction, true to the characters and well based in the milieu, then I think it should be impossible to de-fanfic it effectively.

I approach both my fan and my original fic writing very seriously, but with some major differences. And, uh, it's all in the meta so I won't spam you here. Point being that different talents apply, and writing fan fiction that only works in the universe where you wrote it, with those characters, means that you've written, by my definition, a very successful piece of fan fiction.

One of the things that makes the story an 'almost' for me is that their interactions don't come off as guy-like as they could. I don't know Jack and Daniel well but have watched just enough to see the 'old married couple' aspect of their interactions. I was never an SGI fan because I did not like Jack. This story could be told without using their body language, which is a good bit different from that of two typical guys. IMO.

My point is not to be discouraged. Be proud of yourself that you wrote good fan fiction.

[nicocoer.livejournal.com]

I agree that certain parts need condensed. And maybe a litle more at the start to show that "Evan" isn't used to this. ALso, some of the diolouge is a little. . . lengthy? too drawn out?

I know NOTHING about SG-anything- I saw the earlier movie a long time ago, and that's about it. I think maybe re working it so that he is more forced into the situation would give the character more realism. Um. . .

Mainly, I found that though there was lots of info on "Evan" in the story, the character that I got more of a feel of was Tom- and since the story focuses more on Evan than Tom, his is prolly not a good thing, and the reader can FEEL that.

I like the story, though. And you ARE a good writer, because I thought when I opened the story I would read a couple of paragraphs and get bored. I didn't. And I"m not into the military, either. :)

~N~

[villeinage.livejournal.com]

Big problem here, I think, but fixable.

You're right about the lack of tension. In the fanfic version, having a somewhat distant POV works, because we know these characters, and the backstory provides its own tension/conflict via unspoken allusion. In original fic version, you have to infodump us all that and the conflict still is kinda lame.

Possible solution: Get your reader inside one of these guy's heads! Seriously. This will instantly add immediacy and oomph. 'Evan' is the obvious choice, (but Tom is probably the more interesting and tricky POV to establish--what's it like watching somebody you like/reluctantly admire/struggle with their own dislike of your chosen skills and profession--and knowing that they need to accquire those skills, and knowing they know it too?) It's not a cliche if you make the experience of it immediate to the reader.

You want to show just a bit more angst/distance /conflict between the characters, too, not just between Evan and his gun.

(And for the love of heaven please change their names--they really do sound like 'made up' names.)

I really think this is not such an impossible task, IMHO.

[alyndra]

Okay, I've read the original so I know I'm not your target audience for this, but here's my two cents anyway:

I liked this alright. It does need work -- the arc/theme ending didn't feel satisfactory, but I can see the potential there.

Mainly the only thing that stuck out was the disconnect when you tried to translate Sha're. When I read it I didn't even realize that Tom meant 'girlfriend' literally -- I assumed he was just razzing Evan a bit. I don't know why I thought that, but I got the impression that Kaldi was a friend and someone Evan cared about, but not someone he was in love with.

Which meant the scene later, after Carter chose Daniel's life, kind of awkward. Most particularly this bit: "If I could have killed Carter this week I think I would have -- and he felt so bad he probably would've let me." Evan's voice was dry with dark humor. "To expiate his guilt in my eyes. No matter what that would have done to me."

That didn't seem to make sense, especially since it could be more clearly established that Carter physically killed Kaldi (if he did, here) rather than simply saving Evan's life at the expense of hers. But this story hasn't established that a)Evan cared that deeply about Kaldi, or b)Carter would really feel that guilty/self-sacrificing.

We don't have Teal'c's double-whammy guilt, either (choosing Sha're for implantation and then killing her).

But that was the only bit that really threw me out of the story. I think you could rework this quite successfully, if you want. Good luck whatever happens!

[enname.livejournal.com]

I know no SG-1 at all, apart from the names of the characters.
So for me the problem is not so much in the characterisation, who all seem fairly strong, but in the parts where I go 'huh?' because you haven't given enough back story to them. In the story that is. Plus the time period moves just too damn fast for me, I had great trouble keeping up with the who, what and where. As soon as I had sort of established the basics as to who these characters are, you'd moved on and were dealing with another theme altogether and one that I didn't see coming because I was still grappling with the first. So whilst I was trying to get my head around Evan being the language liason thingy (the very fact that I am using thingy here is a hint) and what his problems with joining a ....?... unit...?...squad .... are, all of a sudden he has already been in the field (I thought he hadn't been at all!) and killed someone, then he has a lover who is a spy, liason thingy in the field.. and voila he is getting marksman after... you see what I mean? There are too many vague points, incomplete points, not enough character establishing (I like Tom but here he is almost like a narrative tool to get Evan to say stuff, we don't see him interact with others, I have no way to get a grasp on him at all) and world building going on. Most of the story left me with a huge list of questions to ask you and sort of frustrated because there were moments which I really did like, but they got lost in the general hustle and confusion. Oh and working out who on earth was Carter? (not even in the SG-1 sense, just in terms of this story alone) I am still not sure.

As I said, the only times I have seen fanfic turned successfully into original writing is when it was kept in genre - mostly the romance genre - so it still has some narrative threads and layering to play with. By keeping this out of genre you've set yourself an incredibly hard task.

[teaphile.livejournal.com]

I haven't read any of the comments yet, so excuse if this has been said.

I stopped reading during the second section. You know what I think of your writing abilities, so that really surprised me. I remember liking this story as fanfic, but I think you need to get more into Evan's head here. In this format we don't know the characters well enough to figure out what they're thinking; we need to be told in order to develop any interest in them.

I also feel like we need to know more about the mission/team/etc. earlier, because I felt like I was missing major parts of the story.

[chasehunts.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I liked this. I didn't read the story you stripped to produce this one, so I can tell you it's readable.

I think there are enough differences in the characterisations to make this into a character-driven story, which I kind of think you're going to need if you want to keep it mostly in one location, the firing range. Although you might rethink that and let the characters move themselves around. (I think I'm tending toward agreeing with you about stripping fan-fic being too much work; there's so much to replace!)

A small thing, that another commenter tripped on also: Pace, particularly the second scene shift. I needed to get to the "their first mission" about twenty words before I did. But you know I'm the action lover :)

Action, reaction - just go with the flow. You are a good writer.

Lots of love,

Chase

[daneffew.livejournal.com]

I have read some of the other post and I guess I am in the minority. I liked it for what it was. I am an SG1 fan and I have read the original of this.

I am a reader not a writer and I could not critique something to help anyone. But I know good writing when I read it. I have been fan fiction for over 20 years I know how to spot good writers.

This story felt like a vignette to a longer story. A few scenes if you will. And if you ever wanted to put this in a longer original story or novel let me know I would love to read it.

[harveywallbang.livejournal.com]

i really wanna do NaNoWriMo, but man is it intense... i think i'm gonna try it. but minus the plot. i'm just gonna go for the 50,000 words. not jibberish, of course, but yeah...and then maybe next year, i'll progress with more plot.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

You're making it harder for yourself that way.

Write your characters beforehand, backgrounds, everything.

Write a summary of your plot, and a plot arc, even better a list of scenes, boom, boom, boom. Have your end clearly in mind.

At that point you're just connecting the dots and coloring it in. Much, much easier.

Icarus

[harveywallbang.livejournal.com]

while you have a point about connecting the dots, i'm not looking for this to be a real "book". i don't have the discipline to just write for...an hour, or however long.. i think it would be a good lesson in discipline for me. it's a chance to just write, and not do my normal anal retentive stuff. so...thanks for the tips.. i'm forming a basic plot in my mind, but yeah...

[quivo.livejournal.com]

Hi - when I read your meta on de-fanficcing a fanfic, I just had to search to see if you had any more on it. Well, here I am...

Anyway. I think you did quite well here - I'm not an SG-anything fan, so I probably missed some stuff that you couldn't quite get out or whatnot. Still, I did notice that the story had me sort of suspended, with regards to both the setting and the time it was supposed to be placed in. The characters didn't quite draw me in as much as they should have, somehow, though I actually found the plot interesting. And everything seemed to sort of run together - there was a strong sense of time passing, but it wasn't strong enough to make sure I didn't blink a little confusedly at all the mentions of raids and whatnot. If anything, I feel it should have been sharper somehow - more defined, maybe?

I don't know if you've already rewritten this, or if you're still doing it at all - I do know, however, that I enjoyed the story in spite of its shortcomings, and think it would come out really well if you fleshed it out further. Thanks,
E. M.