Why the "holiday letter" should be outlawed.

[icarus]

The Holiday Letter and Why It Must Die

WG and I are back from our trip to his relatives. I feel like I have to strip off chainmail, drop the battle ax on the floor, un-hunch my shoulders, unbuckle the bucklers, to slump into the couch and try to recover. If I step into the shower I'm sure blood will run down the drain, not all of it mine.

His family is the sort where I wish I could hire a black actor to pose as WG's gay lover and leave their heads spinning.

WG's mom is not well, but I'll leave that for another post when I'm less physically and emotionally wrung out. Everyone I owe comments and emails to, I'm sorry. I'll get to it as soon as I can. It's taken two days to remember that I don't have to defend everything WG and I do, second-guess every smile, attempt to read through the pleasant bullshit and the occasional harsh comments like stabs in the back.

Which brings us to the holiday letter. I have the one from WG's sister in hand.

The holiday letter is already a bad idea. First, a letter is meant to be personal. Sending a xeroxed copy to 900 of your closest friends and relatives means that you can't tailor it to your audience. The holiday letter therefore is by necessity tiresome and bland.

Second, the fact that it's a holiday letter forces one to include only happy, upbeat news. This wrings the letter dry of anything your friends and family actually want to hear (how you really are) and replaces it with a layer of falsehood as phony as a wild west storefront. Everyone is left either rolling their eyes or reading between the lines.

Third, the need for approval from part of your audience (mom and dad, Aunt Mabel?) causes one to puff it up with all the accomplishments of your family, i.e., bragging. We're back to that problem of audience again. What's appropriate and pleasing to Aunt Mabel is noisome and irritating to your best friend from high school.

Fourth, and this is what happened to WG's sister this year: how do you write a light and superficial account of a bad year? The year your mother started chemotherapy that didn't take and you're at the end of your rope? The year your daughter finished college but now has to struggle with barista jobs while she finds work? The year your son did nothing noteworthy, is in a career path that isn't brag-worthy, and your husband edged one step closer to retirement because he needs more time to keep you from falling apart?

The smart person skips the holiday letter that year. The foolish attempt to gerrymander the facts and end up with a steaming tower of bullshit. Allow me to read a few choice bits (Icarus shoves glasses up the bridge of her nose):

Their daughter has "launched herself into the working world" and is "sending out resumes while holding down three part-time jobs, including coffee barista (but not at Starbucks!)."

Their son is in his third year of college learning construction management and "loves life."

Her husband made a big change with the goal to "allow more time to pursue life and liberty (and golf)."

She (remember, end of her rope?) is "still staying off the streets" while working at the paper. "Somebody needs to get the news out."

Not word one about anything real.

I ask you all to please, don't do the horrible holiday letter. But if you must, save your dignity and skip the bad years. Those poor little facts can't stretch that far. Your best friend from high school, tormented as she's been by years of your bragging, can tell.



P.S. On the back of ours she wrote how great it was to have us over (like hell...) and how much she enjoyed their gift basket (she hated it, we could tell). No wonder WG's bullshit detector works so well.

Appendix one: The full text of that letter, for those who are interested or are fortunate to never have received one and don't know what I mean.

Happy Holidays from [place name deleted]!

Of course, that's not where we took our family photo this year. That'd be on Seattle's Lake Union in June, when the [name] and [name] clans gathered to celebrate [daughter name]'s graduation from the University of Washington! (It was also [husband name]'s 54th birthday. Nice present, eh, Dad?)

We're delighted for [daughter name], who's now launched herself into the working world. Immediately after graduation, she left for London, where she spent 3 months working for a British newspaper chain, commuting via the tube in Wimbledon. She's now back in Seattle, sending out resumes while holding down three part-time jobs, including coffee barista (but not at Starbucks!).

[Son name]'s now in his 3rd year in the Construction Management program at [university name], and loves life, He spent his summer working in commercial construction, applying what he learned all year in the classroom.

[Husband name] made a big change: after 27 years as sole owner of [company name], he's taken on two partners! His goal, with this new direction, is to keep the company young and fresh, while allowing more time to pursue life and liberty (and golf).

I'm still staying off the streets while working at the [newspaper name] as the paper's Assistant Business Editor. Somebody needs to get the news out.

May you cherish the moments with friends and family this holiday season and throughout the New Year!



(Yes, keep the last line, and write it on the Christmas cards.)

Comments

[jaig.livejournal.com]

I'd rather like to be good at bsing while having a wonderfully accurate detector for it. It would save a lot of trouble, unless it decides to do otherwise.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Do they do the "holiday letter" in the Philippines? They started turning up in the late 80s in the U.S.

One year my mom opened a Christmas card from someone my family barely knew and this letter fell out. It was typed (at the time on a typewriter) and xeroxed, and went into vast bragging detail... all about themselves. How great their son was. What a wonderful promotion her husband got this year. They added a swimming pool.

Even though it was giving us all this intimate personal (unasked) information, since was xeroxed and obviously sent out to everyone it came across as cold and impersonal. Probably one of the more obnoxious documents I'd ever encountered.

Sadly, that wasn't the end of it, and year after year, more people started to send these brag-sheets. Often the brag sheet replaced the Christmas card altogether. I confess, I was always evilly amused when one year the brag sheet trumpeted grand news about themselves and then the following year was... almost meek, scraping up something good to say.

Icarus

[sinick.livejournal.com]

Fortunately they don't do this in Australia. The only one anyone I know has ever received, was sent by an Aussie who married an American and moved to Ventura decades ago. It was universally taken as proof positive that she'd Gone Native.

I'm quite honestly gobsmacked at the entire concept. I mean, who in their right mind could EVER have thought for one moment that these things are a GOOD idea?

Oh, of course: no thought went into it. At all. EVER.

[jaig.livejournal.com]

I think we got it once or twice, but it never caught on I suppose. Thank god?

Brag sheets are there when you've got something to brag about. XD

[amalthia]

I will remember this advice when I have really bad year or know my friend/family member has had a really bad year too. though I still think even with bad things happening it doesn't hurt to focus on the positive. I guess mine would have read like "I know your year sucked but at least you're still alive and things will get better later, I hope..." hmmm that didn't sound right. okay, okay no holiday greeting cards for cases like WG mom's. Unless it's something like "My thoughts and prayers are with you."

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I think that cards with little personal notes are the way to go, and forget the holiday letter. Unless you use it as "talking points" for those notes -- have an outline of points next to the stack of Xmas cards and rephrase it slightly for each one that gets a special touch.

Unless it's something like "My thoughts and prayers are with you."

See, that's what should go into the Christmas cards. Something personal for the receiver. I think what's annoying about that xeroxed holiday letter is that it's just so self-absorbed. Everyone I've talked to just hates them.

Icarus

[amalthia]

I think the xerox is the lazy way to go. Don't get me wrong, I only sent out two x-mas cards this year...but I wrote something personal in each one and that's not easy. (well not for me anyway) I just know people like to get handwritten notes in cards. It makes it feel more special.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

It's lazy and it's also a fast way to be mocked. I can't think of a single person who likes these, so why do people bother?

Icarus

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

"I know your year sucked but at least you're still alive and things will get better later, I hope..."

Wait. I think you don't know what I mean by the xeroxed holiday letter. Have you had the misfortune of receiving one of these? It's when someone, instead of writing to you, sends you a canned xeroxed sheet all about themselves and their successes this year. Really awful as a rule.

Icarus

[amalthia]

I have never in my life received a xeroxed holiday letter. Normally, I get x-mas cards with a short note from sender. the ones I send out are sometimes short sometimes take up the entire card....I can't imagine spending postage money to send out a xeroxed copy of a letter about my successes for the year. That just seems weird. first of all, my real friends already know about them, so why reiterate. and if the person isn't important enough to tell over the phone or through IM why spend the 39 cents to tell them at the end of the year?

I think I mis-understood what you'd originally written because I've never seen that. though the closest is the one time my friends Jack and Angel one time sent a card with basically the same message to all their friends telling everyone they are doing okay, and they changed their address. But it was no holiday greeting card.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Count yourself fortunate -- or at least as having good taste in friends.

the ones I send out are sometimes short sometimes take up the entire card...

There. That's a Christmas card.

if the person isn't important enough to tell over the phone or through IM why spend the 39 cents to tell them at the end of the year?

Good lord, a breath of fresh air and common sense. Yes. Why bother if you didn't care enough to tell us (the unvarnished version) throughout the year?

I can't imagine spending postage money to send out a xeroxed copy of a letter about my successes for the year. That just seems weird.

It's bizarre and so awful. The only explanation I can scratch is that once you receive one you want to torment the sender with one of your own. I've considered writing a lampoon version... Monte had a record number of hairballs this season! One was at least three inches long. Our laptop now has nine keys missing, up from five last year. It needs to be spectacularly uninformative, too, to get the right effect.

Hey, if you want the full experience, I posted the full text of his sister's holiday letter.

Icarus

holiday letter

[annieglennie.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear of your trials, on the other hand, it is nice to know that I am not alone. Even my kids used to say, " Mom, why does Grandma hate us so?" Go figure guys. anyway, to cheer up you should read an essay by David Sedaris (if you haven't already) about the Dunbar Family Christmas letter. Not sure of the exact title but it is on his disc "Live at Carnegie Hall" and I think in the book, Holidays on Ice. A great satire. Annie

Re: holiday letter

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Glad we're not alone, too. Grandma's great, the rest of the family-? *shudders*

Thank you, I'll look for Sedaris' essay, because I was ready to write a lampoon of my own last night.

Icarus

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

*cries laughing*

A British journalist, Simon Hoggart, has an annual column of spoof letters like this. You should send him the one above. I always want to translate them (strictly spoof, you understand), eg:

she left for London, where she spent 3 months working for a British newspaper chain

Trans: she's a junior sales assistant in W H Smith (well known British newsagents/stationers/booksellers)

[Son name]'s now in his 3rd year in the Construction Management program at [university name], and loves life, He spent his summer working in commercial construction, applying what he learned all year in the classroom.

Worked as a day labourer.

I'm still staying off the streets while working at the [newspaper name] as the paper's Assistant Business Editor. Somebody needs to get the news out.

Following my umpteenth bust for soliciting, I faked a religious conversion and now deliver the church newsletter door to door.

/forgive me, please....

My own favourite was from a former colleague who believed she was uber kewl, and featured her toddler in a Santa outfit on the front of it. We cried laughing at work.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh god, yes. And yes on the day labourer, and yes on the sales assistant, then don't forget the "is having trouble finding a job" as translation for "working three part-time jobs."

We want to write our own holiday letter now: "Monte had an usual number of hairballs this year" and "our laptop is now missing nine keys, up from five last year!"

Icarus

[legionseagle.livejournal.com]

The worst holiday letters I ever received personally were from an ex-boyfriend who was still sending them to my parents thirteen years after we'd split up. This was how refined his address list was for these effusions. Nevertheless, he once (in an epic of its kind) manage to imply both that he'd been writing all his (more senior academic at more prestigious academic institution) wife's papers for her over the years and that his (formidably bright bilingual kid) had inherited her (in my opinion mythical) "learning disabilities" from said wife, and then went on to slag off most of his academic colleagues. I was dying to see whether the next year's holiday letter came from wife and/or colleagues, beginning

"Following my successful plea of justifiable homicide the year simply got better and better..."

[http://users.livejournal.com/meara_/]

Ugh.

I have a wonderful friend that I've known forever (since grade 7) who has done the holiday letter every single freakin' year since... well I don't know when but for a good 10 years or so. I love her but I hate the letter. I hate hate hate them. I try to be nice about it which leaves me in the position of continuing to be on the mailing list. I've tried the the 'hey we talk every week or so, so don't bother with the letter, I know what's gone on in your world' to no avail. So, basically what I do now recycle it when it arrives.

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

I totally hear you on the holiday letter thing, and I long ago quit with trying to get cards out during Dec. Now, when I send cards, they get written during New Year's Day, and are Happy New Year cards. We design & produce our own cards too, as well as hand-writing a note inside.

But this The year your son did nothing noteworthy, is in a career path that isn't brag-worthy, is quite possibly the only thing you've ever said that has or *could* offend me ::rueful shake of head:: Just because you're not interested in CM doesn't mean it isn't brag-worthy. As the proud holder of a BS in CM for over 20 yrs, I have done a lot of brag-worthy things in my career path. The latest being sheparding a LEED silver-certified library from foundation to opening day. For the uninitiated, LEED stands for leadership in energy and environmental design, and silver is a step-up from basic for a building that is designed to use a high percentage of recycled materials, conserve energy in all kinds of ways and educate the general public on just how easy, affordable, and accessible it is to build sustainably.
I've also done a wide variety of environmental remediation projects, cleaning up messes made by people and companies that didn't know any better when they made them. I've worked for corporate clients that have surprised the hell out of me with their progressive stances on environmentalism, and that's just my experience. Construction Managers build our infrastructure as well as our most amazing projects. We wouldn't have the MOMA or Golden Gate Bridge or Eiffel Tower or Hoover Dam or SLAC without them. And as a side-benefit, CMs are paid pretty-damn-well; these days, many get 6-figure salaries.
A summer in commercial construction toting bricks, picking up trash or filing approved submittals teaches a young CM what life on the site is really like, and hopefully prevents him from showing up in the middle of winter in a thin leather jacket and dress shoes. If he's smart and keeps his eyes and mind open during the experience, it gives him credibility when he has to look his first engineering jerk in the eye and say "your design isn't going to work that way, but we *can* do this and get what you intended." Practically the only thing that gives me more pleasure than hearing "your kids are wonderful" is driving by a building I built, or a site I cleaned up and saying "I did that." And you know what? Even the guy who was only a day labourer gets to say that. I'm always excited to meet anyone considering a career in "the trades." I love my work, and I admire the people who actually fit the bricks and mortar together as much as those who dream up the designs.
My little rant may not change your mind about CM at all, and that's okay, but WG's nephew is getting ready to do something really fun, important and challenging. Don't belittle his choices because his mom is an idiot.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Whoa, back up a little on the assumptions. WG is a construction and union dock worker. I have six years of construction experience, of which I'm very proud.

WG's family judges WG for this, however, and his sister's the one who doesn't think her son's job is brag-worthy. They're a bunch of snobs if you ask me.

Icarus

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

Well then, you guys are still 2 of the coolest people I've never met :)

So. Snobs and idiots. Always my favorite combination, especially in family members. I'm far too familiar with the combo too, as I can't discuss my job with my mom unless I'm doing a stint inside the office, complete with hose, heels & makeup. And even then it's a touchy subject, which is just weird, considering she was married to a landscaper for 37 years!

But Happy New Year, anyway. I hope it brings better circumstances for you and yours than 2006, plus time to write more of your excellent porn fiction.

[tonicollins.livejournal.com]

I don't read Holiday Letters. If you, the sender, couldn't be bothered to call me, send me a birthday card, or otherwise attempt to contact me during the whole of the previous year, I have no interest in reading your so-called accomplishments. No matter what, the letters always come off as bragging and one-up-manships. So, after I read one, I vowed never to again. It works for me.

[winterthunder.livejournal.com]

My parents have a friend that sends out Groundhog Day letters in lieu of the holiday card. We always look forward to getting it because they make a point of including the most ridiculous and amusing events of the year.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

At least it wasn't in rhyming couplets! (Oh yes, we get one of those every year.)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh, ha!

[enname.livejournal.com]

Wow. Please give me a moment to gag on that insecerity (sic).

My dad sends out holiday letters, but these are letters he writes individually to people who he corresponds with already by letter. People such as his college friends in the US etc. So whilst they might be not always riveting, at least they are truthful and tailored to people. Plus of course the card. If you aren't known enough for a letter, you just get a card. Don't have to say anything then.

That is just.... 'Keeping up with the Smiths'.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

That's what wildernessguru and I had to deal with for five days. *head in hands* Gah.

Icarus

[enname.livejournal.com]

He (and you) are a better person than I am. I would have snapped and possibly ended up making sure that no one ever wanted to talk to me again.

*proffers strong drink and lineament for the spots made sore by constant armour wearing*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I admit, after the fact, I'm angry. I'm still periodically storming around the house about the way they treated WG.

It's absurd but in my mind when his brother-in-law said to him, first thing through the door, "You should be careful about what you say to your parents" -- I imagine I turn us around and leave. Just walk away. I don't know why I let them do this, why preserving the relationship was important except that it is important to WG's mom. She would ache if there's a rift right now.

Icarus

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

The only holiday newsletters I've received that didn't make me roll my eyes immediately were from a very dear and gallant lady in my chorus, who was actually able to make them funny and amusing. She died this year, so it's nice to have something tangible of hers.

(And I probably just got an ectoplasmic bap on the head for calling her a "lady". I don't care. She's a lady in the very best sense, and I love her and miss her.)

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

I started writing a holiday letter and then realised I'd fallen into that trap myself. And then I thought, "This is like me writing a parody of something... oh, wait: my life." And I hung onto it, because it's so not me and upbeat and Stepfordy, but I never sent it for the same reasons.

I'm never writing another one again. If those people didn't know me well enough throughout the year, they probably don't give a fuck. And that's fine by me.

And *HUGE HUGS* about WG's family. It's been six years, and this was the *first* Christmas I've not felt like a leper around my partner's family. *sighs* *love to you*

[cheshyre]

Holiday letters can be fine in their place.
Look at the one we got from my husband's aunt, if you want a laugh...

[gyutto.livejournal.com]

this is interesting to me, because I think the holiday letter is just another manifestation of the fact that people love talking about themselves. and also, that a lot of people feel the need to put up a perfect front, even though they are miserable. which is too bad for them. As a big lover of letter writing, I don't write them, but....they honestly never bothered me that much. My mother has two friends who write them, and she always makes me read them. I never thought anything beyond "aw, this was cute". and then they slide off my mind like a duck's back. I'm guessing they are more irritating when you know the person's actual circumstances. hang in there!

[gyutto.livejournal.com]

and by "like a duck's back", i mean "like water off of a duck's back" *g*

[sarka.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's something.

We send holiday letters, but ours are generally not bragging. Unless, of course, we've done something brag-worthy. I tend to send mine to a select few and do Christmas cards to the people who don't need or would want a typed page full of personal information. Also, ours generally have a LOT of pictures, and less text.

I'm sorry that the Holidays were hard on you. *hugs*

[lexstar29.livejournal.com]

I never do them, but my cousins do! The one this year included news on number one sons school report, (he is 6 years old), and how the teachers say he is such a diamond all they need to do is polish him! Their holiday letters are always full of, this what we've done and it's better than anything you've done ever, no matter what! Always the little line in there wishing good fortune and 'a special someone' to come the way of our single relatives this coming year, (that would be me! the last single, childless one! no matter that its by choice!). You have to take it with humour or make a ritual bonfire out of it! Sorry it was less than ideal, mine went a very similar way this year.

Love and hugs!

[nicocoer.livejournal.com]

I have an aunt that sends out DVD/CDs with photos doing the same thing, and my uncle used to do the same with video clips - Untill the marital issues that were carefully edited out ended his marriage.

~N~

[harveywallbang.livejournal.com]

that just makes me shake my head... why even bother? i bet she didn't feel that great writing it, either..

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

You can tell she was miserable writing it. But she started a tradition, darn it, and she was going to get it all done.

Icarus