On Christmas
Jan. 5th, 2007 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
icarusVisited WG's mom for the holiday. I realize I haven't given an update on her in a while.
She completed all but the last treatment of chemo and... it reduced the cancer on her liver, but it's not gone. She had a toxic reaction just before the last treatment so they stopped and now her kidneys, never in good shape, aren't doing well. They're putting in a fistula for dialysis, would have done that last Friday, but we don't know how that went yet.
WG's family warned us that she wasn't doing well, to not be shocked, but we weren't surprised at all. She was weak, tired, and her eyes were haunted, though she was very happy to see WG (the youngest is always the favorite). WG's dad is, for the first time in his life, cooking and taking care of the house, at the same time he's taking care of her -- a superhuman effort at the moment. He's just been amazingly devoted and many times his attention has saved her life, but he is in way over his head.
It was a little strange. She would normally have all the little lights on for guests but he doesn't think of that, so she was in a darkened living room next to one light. As WG put it, it was like was propped up in the corner on display. It bothers her that the house is messy (that really isn't an issue for me, I explained to her that I'm a slob :) enough so that she won't let anyone go into other parts of the house. They're not eating as well as they could be because he's cooking (lots of TV dinners), though neighbors and friends do bring over dishes for them. She has a huge circle of friends.
For her it's been one surgery or medical procedure after the other since March, and there has been one problem after the other, and one battle with doctors after the other. The most recent was a doctor who insisted she didn't need emergency dialysis. They got a second opinion and fought, and sure enough, her "numbers" which should be around 70 were down to 15 (which is dangerously low). The surgeon who was supposed to be putting in the fistula said he couldn't operate with numbers that low, it would be too dangerous, meanwhile the original doctor was standing his ground and annoyed that he wasn't being obeyed like God. It grows even more complicated from there, until a doctor at Stanford who'd been treating her all along came back from vacation -- and wasn't supposed to be in the office -- came in to see just her.
Bottom line: nothing has been simple, her health issues have grown increasingly complicated, and it doesn't look good.
She says she feels like she's had a nine-month-long funeral. She also says, and she's not the self-pitying type, that she feels like Job. She was upbeat at the start of chemo, and now she's just worn down.
WG's sister I believe isn't quite at the breaking point, but she's close. She's someone who needs to have control over everything and this not knowing is wearing her down, too. It's clear to me that his sister's the one doing everything when it comes to managing the doctors -- and she's a tough broad, if very polite, a reporter so she's used to challenging people -- but she told us, "People say that losing someone suddenly is really hard, you don't get to say goodbye, but I don't know. After all this, I think this is harder."
Okay, tearing up a little. His sister was awful to WG, but I can't hold it against her because she's been in there working with, and fighting, the doctors for nine months. It was really difficult dealing with his brother and sister, and only his sister-in-law dropped the guilt-trip and just said earnestly, "Come down here and see your mom as often as you can."
Yes. We hope to go down there again in the spring.
She completed all but the last treatment of chemo and... it reduced the cancer on her liver, but it's not gone. She had a toxic reaction just before the last treatment so they stopped and now her kidneys, never in good shape, aren't doing well. They're putting in a fistula for dialysis, would have done that last Friday, but we don't know how that went yet.
WG's family warned us that she wasn't doing well, to not be shocked, but we weren't surprised at all. She was weak, tired, and her eyes were haunted, though she was very happy to see WG (the youngest is always the favorite). WG's dad is, for the first time in his life, cooking and taking care of the house, at the same time he's taking care of her -- a superhuman effort at the moment. He's just been amazingly devoted and many times his attention has saved her life, but he is in way over his head.
It was a little strange. She would normally have all the little lights on for guests but he doesn't think of that, so she was in a darkened living room next to one light. As WG put it, it was like was propped up in the corner on display. It bothers her that the house is messy (that really isn't an issue for me, I explained to her that I'm a slob :) enough so that she won't let anyone go into other parts of the house. They're not eating as well as they could be because he's cooking (lots of TV dinners), though neighbors and friends do bring over dishes for them. She has a huge circle of friends.
For her it's been one surgery or medical procedure after the other since March, and there has been one problem after the other, and one battle with doctors after the other. The most recent was a doctor who insisted she didn't need emergency dialysis. They got a second opinion and fought, and sure enough, her "numbers" which should be around 70 were down to 15 (which is dangerously low). The surgeon who was supposed to be putting in the fistula said he couldn't operate with numbers that low, it would be too dangerous, meanwhile the original doctor was standing his ground and annoyed that he wasn't being obeyed like God. It grows even more complicated from there, until a doctor at Stanford who'd been treating her all along came back from vacation -- and wasn't supposed to be in the office -- came in to see just her.
Bottom line: nothing has been simple, her health issues have grown increasingly complicated, and it doesn't look good.
She says she feels like she's had a nine-month-long funeral. She also says, and she's not the self-pitying type, that she feels like Job. She was upbeat at the start of chemo, and now she's just worn down.
WG's sister I believe isn't quite at the breaking point, but she's close. She's someone who needs to have control over everything and this not knowing is wearing her down, too. It's clear to me that his sister's the one doing everything when it comes to managing the doctors -- and she's a tough broad, if very polite, a reporter so she's used to challenging people -- but she told us, "People say that losing someone suddenly is really hard, you don't get to say goodbye, but I don't know. After all this, I think this is harder."
Okay, tearing up a little. His sister was awful to WG, but I can't hold it against her because she's been in there working with, and fighting, the doctors for nine months. It was really difficult dealing with his brother and sister, and only his sister-in-law dropped the guilt-trip and just said earnestly, "Come down here and see your mom as often as you can."
Yes. We hope to go down there again in the spring.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 07:50 pm (UTC)*hugs* you guys are in my thoughts.
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Date: 2007-01-05 07:58 pm (UTC)Icarus
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Date: 2007-01-05 09:00 pm (UTC)I went through that with my father in law, and it's not easy. All you can do is be there as much as you can.
*hugs some more*
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Date: 2007-01-07 02:35 am (UTC)Icarus
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Date: 2007-01-05 09:54 pm (UTC)It's 6a - I just got back from the hospital myself as we're taking shifts to be by my mom in law's bedside. Final hours for her these days. And I hate to say it but I think your sis in law has a point - drawn out fights with cancer can be painful for all involved. Will pray for you all. Love, lis
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Date: 2007-01-07 03:11 am (UTC)And I hate to say it but I think your sis in law has a point - drawn out fights with cancer can be painful for all involved. Will pray for you all.
She does. But for the person with cancer the good news is that they have time to tie up all those loose ends in their lives, so it's actually better for them in terms of letting go.
Icarus
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Date: 2007-01-05 09:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-07 03:12 am (UTC)Icarus
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Date: 2007-01-05 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 11:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-06 05:37 am (UTC)I agree with this. Several years ago, my father-in-law and then my sister died within a couple of months of each other. Both deaths were extremely sudden and shocking to us. My sister's involved about a week in the hospital first, so that was pretty stressful and hard on the family, but it was only a few days and then it was over. We had funerals to deal with and all the horribleness that entailed (picking out underwear and a dress for her to be buried in...no words for that), and then...we got on with dealing with it.
It was tough. In some ways, I'm still not over either death, but especially my sister's. She was my baby. I changed her diapers and raised her like a mother. In reality, even though I know she's gone, in my heart, she's not dead and I don't really believe it.
But still...
With my mother-in-law over the past several years and especially this last year... There was just no getting away from it. It was always there. It took a terrible, terrible toll on everyone in the family and caused so much heartache. Now that she's gone, we *still* have to deal with all the "after" stuff, and the "before" stuff only makes that all that much worse.
I hope you guys are able to get back down there to see her again.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-09 06:24 pm (UTC)she'll be in my thoughts.