John Sheppard and cheating.
Jan. 20th, 2007 03:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
icarusI think I forgot to say in my comments to Sunday: oh, how long I waited for John in dress blues. Now all he needs to learn is how to stand at attention. I like that. *slow smile*
The glee continues over here at the implications of divorced!John.
Why I think John screwed around.
Dan Savage is right. A lot of men have trouble with monogamy. There are predictable factors.
Sometimes they're gay. Sometimes they're separated from their wives/girlfriends and far from home. Sometimes they're not serious about the relationship. Sometimes they think of sex as a physical release that has no bearing on their romantic feelings. Sometimes they're having problems in the relationship. Sometimes they're alcoholics and have terrible impulse control. Sometimes they spend too much time with another woman and proximity breeds affection.
I know this because I once was separating from a dearly beloved boyfriend of several years. As we sat in the car and said our goodbyes forever, the sweet gentle guy cleared the slate and told me of the times he'd slipped while we were together. I was loving and well-pleased, because I've always valued honesty first and foremost. We hugged, etc., etc.... This turned out to be a mistake on his part because we got back together. With his confessions, I was able to triangulate later when he was cheating on me again. (Reason for cheating: he was gay but wouldn't admit it; the sex was all with men.)
I had another friend, not quite a boyfriend but we were briefly involved. He too was entirely too honest with me, telling me of his relationships and then all the shit on the side. (Reason for cheating: he was an alcoholic and rock musician.)
I also had another male friend, not even close to a boyfriend this time, who was the ex-boyfriend of one my friends and the current boyfriend of another. There was a third friend of whom neither of the two women knew about, who was very close to me and... yes, her too, while he was seeing the others. She told me, and he alluded to it. (Reason for cheating: he was never serious about any of these relationships.)
Then there was another male friend who'd hit on me when we met (but lost to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wildernessguru) who only occasionally admits to his infidelity by means of prostitutes when he's overseas. I get the allusions, but WG tells me the rest. (Reason for cheating: horny, lonely, and far from home.)
Then I had another male friend who had semi-officially broken up with his older woman girlfriend. He'd been completely faithful to her while they were together, but she wanted some distance, insisted he needed to think it over and "change" certain habits (though she was never clear what that meant, yes, I know you saw this on Friends. I saw it in real life). Actually, I don't blame him at all. The relationship was so confusing. Apparently she still considered them together and so when he found another girlfriend, she blew up. (Reason for "cheating": although very faithful, he was confused. Also, she was a bitch.)
I had another friend recently arrived in this country. He found a girlfriend and they were happily living together. He had to travel across country for months at a time for his job. He called her every day and talked to her for hours. But when he went to these other cities, he usually found another woman. He brought his girlfriend on one of his trips and, surprise, surprise, the girlfriend found out about the other women and left him. (Reason for cheating: far from home, plus a culture where cheating was the norm.)
I had another friend, a woman who was happily married... until her husband started working late. A lot. Eventually he came clean, clearly tormented, because he was in love with his wife but he'd also fallen in love with his secretary. Eventually he left his wife. (Reason for cheating: proximity, and fell in love.)
I had another guy friend who was as sweet as could be. All the girls liked him, even though he was a little dorky, and he was always the "best friend." He was the one you could come to with your troubles, a shoulder to cry on. But he never had a girlfriend for some reason. I hit on him but it went over his head. You needed a two-by-four. Eventually, he was in his 30s and a very aggressive divorcee made her intentions absolutely clear and dragged the startled guy off by the hair. They had a very sweet romance where not only was he as good to her as he'd always been to women, he adored the ground she walked on. (Reason for cheating: He didn't, and wouldn't know an opportunity for cheating if it bit him on the ankle and pulled his pants down.)
I could go on, but I think that should do. Did Sheppard cheat? *turns over the Magic 8-Ball* "My sources say it's likely."
Four things you should take away from this:
1 - Men are incredibly honest with Buddhist nuns, future Buddhist nuns, and past Buddhist nuns, probably because a you're not an option.
2 - A man is more likely to cheat when a relationship is unstable than a woman.
3 - Zelenka probably didn't get laid until very late in life.
4 - Given a choice between Sheppard and Zelenka, you should definitely go with Zelenka. Unless you're really attached to those dress blues. ;)
The glee continues over here at the implications of divorced!John.
Why I think John screwed around.
Dan Savage is right. A lot of men have trouble with monogamy. There are predictable factors.
Sometimes they're gay. Sometimes they're separated from their wives/girlfriends and far from home. Sometimes they're not serious about the relationship. Sometimes they think of sex as a physical release that has no bearing on their romantic feelings. Sometimes they're having problems in the relationship. Sometimes they're alcoholics and have terrible impulse control. Sometimes they spend too much time with another woman and proximity breeds affection.
I know this because I once was separating from a dearly beloved boyfriend of several years. As we sat in the car and said our goodbyes forever, the sweet gentle guy cleared the slate and told me of the times he'd slipped while we were together. I was loving and well-pleased, because I've always valued honesty first and foremost. We hugged, etc., etc.... This turned out to be a mistake on his part because we got back together. With his confessions, I was able to triangulate later when he was cheating on me again. (Reason for cheating: he was gay but wouldn't admit it; the sex was all with men.)
I had another friend, not quite a boyfriend but we were briefly involved. He too was entirely too honest with me, telling me of his relationships and then all the shit on the side. (Reason for cheating: he was an alcoholic and rock musician.)
I also had another male friend, not even close to a boyfriend this time, who was the ex-boyfriend of one my friends and the current boyfriend of another. There was a third friend of whom neither of the two women knew about, who was very close to me and... yes, her too, while he was seeing the others. She told me, and he alluded to it. (Reason for cheating: he was never serious about any of these relationships.)
Then there was another male friend who'd hit on me when we met (but lost to
wildernessguru) who only occasionally admits to his infidelity by means of prostitutes when he's overseas. I get the allusions, but WG tells me the rest. (Reason for cheating: horny, lonely, and far from home.)Then I had another male friend who had semi-officially broken up with his older woman girlfriend. He'd been completely faithful to her while they were together, but she wanted some distance, insisted he needed to think it over and "change" certain habits (though she was never clear what that meant, yes, I know you saw this on Friends. I saw it in real life). Actually, I don't blame him at all. The relationship was so confusing. Apparently she still considered them together and so when he found another girlfriend, she blew up. (Reason for "cheating": although very faithful, he was confused. Also, she was a bitch.)
I had another friend recently arrived in this country. He found a girlfriend and they were happily living together. He had to travel across country for months at a time for his job. He called her every day and talked to her for hours. But when he went to these other cities, he usually found another woman. He brought his girlfriend on one of his trips and, surprise, surprise, the girlfriend found out about the other women and left him. (Reason for cheating: far from home, plus a culture where cheating was the norm.)
I had another friend, a woman who was happily married... until her husband started working late. A lot. Eventually he came clean, clearly tormented, because he was in love with his wife but he'd also fallen in love with his secretary. Eventually he left his wife. (Reason for cheating: proximity, and fell in love.)
I had another guy friend who was as sweet as could be. All the girls liked him, even though he was a little dorky, and he was always the "best friend." He was the one you could come to with your troubles, a shoulder to cry on. But he never had a girlfriend for some reason. I hit on him but it went over his head. You needed a two-by-four. Eventually, he was in his 30s and a very aggressive divorcee made her intentions absolutely clear and dragged the startled guy off by the hair. They had a very sweet romance where not only was he as good to her as he'd always been to women, he adored the ground she walked on. (Reason for cheating: He didn't, and wouldn't know an opportunity for cheating if it bit him on the ankle and pulled his pants down.)
I could go on, but I think that should do. Did Sheppard cheat? *turns over the Magic 8-Ball* "My sources say it's likely."
Four things you should take away from this:
1 - Men are incredibly honest with Buddhist nuns, future Buddhist nuns, and past Buddhist nuns, probably because a you're not an option.
2 - A man is more likely to cheat when a relationship is unstable than a woman.
3 - Zelenka probably didn't get laid until very late in life.
4 - Given a choice between Sheppard and Zelenka, you should definitely go with Zelenka. Unless you're really attached to those dress blues. ;)
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-20 11:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-20 11:55 pm (UTC)Having been in all three positions: the other woman, someone who was cheated on, and someone who was diong the affair thang (and has been tempted to), I gotta say, you've managed to talk about it in a non-judgemental, but non-encouraging manner. Serious kudos, hon. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 12:07 am (UTC)Icarus
no subject
Date: 2007-01-20 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 12:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 12:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 12:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 12:00 am (UTC)I was a lot more shocked by infidelity when I was 28.
Icarus
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-20 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 12:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 01:18 am (UTC)I find guys always think of me as the best friend, or just as someone else to talk to so they tend to tell me that sort of thing. Sometimes in the hope that I can somehow wave a magic wand and fix it all, but mostly because I am not going to leap down their throat. Either gender even.
There are many and varied reasons for cheating, but yes. Unless you are terribly fond of dress blues (and really aware that this does entail military, not just dress up) Zelenka would be the better bet.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 06:16 pm (UTC)Of course, his vastly greater chance of actually being into guys should probably factor in as well...
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 11:47 pm (UTC)There is that added bonus.
I generally take any gesture of romance as a 'what do you want?' type thing. Admittedly my last serious relationship was with someone in the military, conducted over great distance with glee because of how much I dislike having anyone around constantly. Most people in a relationship don't take kindly to me saying 'yeh, could you just leave me alone for a few weeks?'.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 11:51 pm (UTC)But, yeah, I could deal with months on my own, sure.
If you're ever interested, The Puppy's constantly out at sea and, you know, really hot. ;)
Icarus
no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 12:10 am (UTC)Coupla friends of mine are always horrified by my ability to go for long periods of time on my own. It is relaxing.
*laughs* There's a thought! ; P The ex was navy as well, I might have been one of the few people who went 'ooo ship tour, great!'. The one thing was it did work with my tendency to travel.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 11:47 pm (UTC)The question of John, bottom or top? has just been answered.
*g*
no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 12:16 am (UTC)