A true friend.

[icarus]

When I was eight years old, my "best friend" was a next door neighbor in her sixties. Her husband was a financier and together they were philanthropists, very active in fighting racism -- even before it was fashionable. They visited Africa many times, and I believe her husband (who had fought in WWII) probably served in North Africa, although that may be a fanciful notion of mine. While we lived year round at the lake, her house was their "summer cottage." The rugs inside were so thick you felt like you sank to your ankles, and it was filled with African tribal art.

She herself always had her hair done and wore pearls, June Cleaver style, with her housedress. Under the 1950s mom exterior she had the fire and personality of Katherine Hepburn. She was very outspoken, if dignified and polite.

I went to her with all my kid-problems, and she humored me, in between lectures that made a much deeper impression on me than I realized at the time.

One day I was very upset about something. The moment I came by, I launched into my problem. She tried to switch the conversation away from me, me, me. I kept switching it back.

She told me, with great dignity, "You know. If you want me to be interested in your life, you should at least pretend to be interested in mine."

Gulp.

I asked her, "Um. So...." I had no idea where to begin.

She prompted me. "You can ask how I am."

Okay. "So, uh, um... h-how are you?"

Then we talked about things so dry and uninteresting to an eight-year-old my eyes practically watered. (No doubt she did that on purpose.) But I listened patiently.

She said, setting down her tea, "Now. What was it you wanted to ask me?"

I said, "Um. Nothing."

"It's okay. You can ask. I didn't mean to imply you couldn't ask me about anything you wanted," she reassured me.

I looked her straight in the face. "It's not important."

Frankly, while I was talking to her about her daughter, the weather, and her dog, the big deal problem of mine had shrunk and didn't seem so important. It seemed to me that underneath her message was the point that you don't use people. Not even mutually. Even if she was willing. That was not friendship. The motive was all wrong.

She did me a very big favor.

I had the opportunity to pass this along tonight. Probably someone is now very upset with me. But... I've noticed we're not always given our lines and too often we're expected to flounder and figure these things out for ourselves. It's easier to be given our scripts.

Comments

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

It seemed to me that underneath her message was the point that you don't use people. Not even mutually. Even if she was willing. That was not friendship. The motive was all wrong.

She did me a very big favor.

*nod* Especially to a child, I think: to be introduced to the concept of realising other people and their needs.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

She was a remarkable person. I wonder if she knew what an influence she had in my life.

[kres.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you. I'll remember this.

:)=

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh. You're welcome. She was great. She was in her 60s in 1975, so she probably passed away over a decade ago, though we had moved by then.

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

That is a seriously awesome and incredible story. (And what a cool lady- seriously!)

I wish members of my own family could read this.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

She was amazing.

We had so many talks about how to handle the snobs in our neighborhood. She said that one of the biggest problems in the world is people not thinking for themselves, so that the decent people just went along with the awful.

She also talked a lot about picking a cause and doing to give back. "There are so many problems in the world, you can't fix everything, so -- pick your battles." And even when she talked a lot about ending racism, she would interrupt herself and say, "Not that you should take on my battles. You should do what you believe it." She and her husband were big donors to the United Negro College Fund and went out of their way to hire, say, a black nurse they'd given a scholarship to put him through college.

He once pulled me aside and said, "These are good people. You should listen to them."

Icarus

[enname.livejournal.com]

*goes away to think*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's how I felt after a lot of conversations with her.

[saurius78.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a great neighbor to have. What wonderful advice. It can definitely be harder to listen than to talk. It's interesting to see who your "real friends" are when there is something that you need to talk about when you are usually the listener.

I've definitely found my greatest friends through the internet though. I'm not sure why it is, but most of them seem to be more willing to listen to a problem and be supportive. I also have found that listening to them about their problems is easier as well. Maybe because most of it is not spoken, but written? Of course it could also be that I have found kindred spirits online that I've never found elsewhere. People who understand me and share my interests.

It's always good to get a reminder that I'm not the only one who has something to work through and that friendship is more than being a listening ear.

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

I think it's easier online because one can choose the time and duration of how one "listens". (Not to mention, you selct the people whose communication style you can tolerate.) In person, if someone is bent on unloading and isn't interested in the give and take of relationship/friendship, one can't escape so easily as skipping a post or putting off answering an e-mail. Real-life boors are usually unable to read body language to get teh cues that they are dominating a conversation. And friends who know one well can be so focused on their own problems that they don't even realize that a pattern of dumping problems on a friend and zipping off has developed.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I don't understand the distinction between "real friends" and "internet friends." Do we make such a drastic distinction between in value between "church friends" and "book club friends"?

There are differences, and those shouldn't be forgotten, but it bothers me to dismiss the value of people online as if there aren't flesh and blood people on the other end.

Icarus

[saurius78.livejournal.com]

I don't see a distinction either, please don't think that I'm trying to say there is. I chat with my online friends alomost daily, so for me there isn't the "escape" of just putting off reading a post or email. Most of the discussions are live either through typing or voice chats. That is probably one of the main reasons I don't see a difference between online friends and non-online friends, what's the difference between talking on the phone and talking on the internet? There is none to me.

The only thing that I miss with being online that is of value for me is that there is no physical contact. I'm not a very touchy feely person, but there are times when I need a hug or the other person may need one as well. Though virtual hugs are at least better than none at all. :)

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

That's an important lesson in friendship, not to mention manners. Might be uncomrtable when it's being given, but it really is a gift.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

She was wonderful. There were so many things that she taught me.

[harveywallbang.livejournal.com]

there was an older lady in my neighborhood, and i would visit her often. i usually borrowed her vhs's of the little rascals (the ORIGINALs), and the back to the future movies. we didn't have any kind of talk back and forth relationship though. she was just a nice lady who let me borrow her movies.
you just reminded me of her, is all..

on the topic you brought up though, someone i know told someone else i know "if you want a friend, be a friend"....and i'm constantly having a battle with my boyfriend, because he, like young you, tries to get the conversation to be about what he wants to talk about, because he wants to talk about it so bad. it keeps happening, and i just snap at him, and don't wanna listen. because why should i care about what he has to say if he doesn't listen to me?
realizing the needs of other people is a GREAT lesson to learn as a child. i wonder when i learned it.... but as you can gleen from above, not everyone has learnt it yet. *sigh*

[impetuousoddity.livejournal.com]

I'm sendin this to all of my friends!! I love it.