Story-Bot!

[icarus]

Worried about wank?

Fearful your story might be pilloried and garner negative reviews?

Fear no more! The Story-Bot is here to cleanse your fic of offensive content. Here's how it works:

Simply write your story as you would normally. Then plug in the Story-Bot (any resemblance to a paper shredder is purely coincidental), insert your story -- and let her rip!

We at Story-Bot then go to work on your fic. We have painstakingly harvested from countless reviews, wanks, and opinion pages everything that offends anyone. And with weekly upgrades (available at a minimal fee) we stay ahead of the trends. We shall:

- Change your offensive BDSM content to respectable food sex (as seen in the blockbuster hit 9 1/2 Weeks)!

- Edit out demeaning job titles! Your stewardesses shall fly planes. Your housewives shall have meaningful careers!

- Swap races to evade any racial stereotypes! Why have black barista when you can have a black barrister? Remember, a black waitress is trapped in a demeaning job, while a white waiter is necessarily moving on to bigger and better things -- no, it's not in your story, but trust us: we know what your readers assume.

- At no additional charge, our special "valorizing" feature will make sure all of your characters act in a properly heroic fashion. At long last, you will please each and every character's respective fanbase -- without fail!

- Finally, we sweep through your story with our patented Story-Bot Flame-BlasterTM! Yes, we will remove any slashy content and put the gay back in the subtext -- where it belongs.

Get Story-Bot today, and make sure your fic is as inoffensive* as Wonder bread [story-bot deletion: brand competitors], white bread [story-bot deletion: nutrition activists], wheat bread [story-bot deletion for current events: see pet owners and poisoned wheat] pita bread!


* With your purchase of Story-Bot and Story-Bot features, you agree to hold harmless Story-Bot Mega Corp, Inc. from any resulting plagiarism claims. The use of Story-Bot does not guarantee your story will be completely inoffensive to all parties. In addition, Story-Bot Mega Corp, Inc. does not claim your writing and story content will in any way improve.

Comments

[sharp-tongue.livejournal.com]

Wait, what? You're doing what with my gay? Put it back! Back, I say!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Not to worry! Story-Bot has a menu where you can select the cleansing features of your choice! Just check the indemnity box when you load Story-Bot to agree that you no longer wish to be protected from anti-slash flames.

[an-kayoh.livejournal.com]

Yay pita bread!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Pita: your inoffensive story treat.

[amalthia]

i loved the part about the pita bread. :) rofl.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Does Story-Bot have a menu function for reversing the sexes of all characters in your story so that no one will find it demeaning that men/women are occupying the roles in your plot? Oh, oh, does Story-Bot convert all pronouns to a unisex 'it'?

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Story-Bot: Tilt!

You need our upgraded, heavy-duty, professional Super Story-Bot! Yes, with Super Story-Bot entirely new gender designations and pronouns will be invented out of whole cloth, creating an impenetrable -- and therefore unassailable -- jargon. You are safe with Super Story-Bot.

[florahart]

What will the Story-Bot do to the fic where Charlie Weasley is a barista? Inquiring minds want to know.

...I have been peripherally following this whole thing as it's unfolded, and the thing is, I don't *quite* write in this fandom, though I kind of would? (But I need to have seen the rest of the episodes first, heh.) But I think I'm askeered to. I mean, you had that whole situation back a while ago about the ...what the hell *was* that about? Something about John behaving dishonorably. And there was Ruckus. And seriously, I'd cheerfully write Ronon the barista because he's not exactly Mr. Cheerful With Strangers, now, is he? But I'd also write Rodney the barista because I am amused by the notion of him deciding who really didn't need a 32 ounce breve (yes, a place here has those. yes, that's a quart of half and half) and ought to be having a sugarfree nonfat vanilla latte, and telling them that.

*shakes head*
*is scared to tip smallest toe in waters*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Thanks to our overseas readers, Story-Bot now contains a variety of regional bias settings! Whether it's Irish and Brits, Germans and Turks, just set your Region code to the appropriate country and Story-Bot has you covered.

Each fandom has its own culture. It's just a matter of whether or not that culture is comfortable for you.

Ronon was a great choice for a barista -- so unexpected and able to stand up to Rodney. He signaled that this was a small coffee shop, brimming with cool.

Frankly, there was nothing in that story that said whether or not Ronon was just a barista -- that was an assumption on the reader's part. As far as I could tell, he was studying to be a male nurse or at least working at the hospital. How else did he know all the inside intel? It's not like people spill patient details to the local barista -- hello? HIPAA? You could get sued.

Icarus

[ptyx.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahaha... Not my fandom, but I think I got the gist of it.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

We're glad to hear that! The aim of Story-Bot is to be crystal clear. Story-Bot will rid your stories of the murky waters of moral ambiguity that so confusing to your readers. You can count on Story-Bot.

[filenotch.livejournal.com]

Man... I have not had enough coffee to express my ausement.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

For no extra charge, Story-Bot also includes a spigot with a coffee dispenser. Ah, coffee, fresh from the tap. But wait! There's more. If you order now we will also include four pounds of fresh roast (available while supplies last). Just send your check or money order to Story-Bot!

[plsteward.livejournal.com]

I think I love you.

This all is just depressing me, I can't even hide because the people who are going off are everywhere on lj.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss mailing lists with their topic nazis & evil list moms & their powers of doom. Then I could go to the lists with the anti-wank rules & hide while the rest of my fandom burns with the fires of war.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss mailing lists with their topic nazis & evil list moms & their powers of doom.

You have a point. I hated them, but I kinda miss them, too.

In the meantime there's Story-Bot, solving all your story woes -- before they start!

[sffan.livejournal.com]

*BWAH!!!*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Story-Bot will also edit your humor to excise any offensive content. You can feel safe with Story-Bot!

[fractalreality.livejournal.com]

Dear Story-Bot,

Does your program have a feature for accurate historical AUs? I fear my characters and overall message will be demeaned if the hero is race-swapped, thus cementing my sub-conscious racism.

Sincerely,

Concerend of Leicester

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Thank you for asking!

We at Story-Bot know that history isn't what happened, it's what people say happened. Everyone loves revisionism! Not to worry, all your period details, costumes, language, titles, shall remain completely accurate for versimilitude. Simply select your century and country in our Time Period menu for historical truthiness.

Icarus

[starrylizard.livejournal.com]

Oh, I only wish this weren't so sadly true. Nonetheless, laughing my ass off here (along with a few tears for the authors being flamed this week and always).

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Thank you! We at Story-Bot note that our sales have tripled this week alone. Story-Bot: making your fandom a safe fandom.

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

I have a deep and abiding love for you right now.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And if you act now, Story-Bot can make sure your readers have only a deep and abiding love for you. Or at least a complete absence of offense, which is very nearly the same thing. Order Story-Bot today.

[alice-and-lain.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Cute!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

We at Story-Bot specialize in all things cute and cuddly. Act fast, and get Story-Bot to work for you!

[dkwilliams.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is priceless! I think I love you, and I want Story-Bot to remove all my offensive BDSM and mpreg content, make my stories safe for reader consumption.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Did you know that Story-bot will not only remove all your offensive MPreg content, but it will also change all positions to a socially acceptable missionary position? Get Story-bot today!

[twistedrecesses.livejournal.com]

Waugh!
*cries in fear*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Have no fear! Story-bot will also remove any excessive violence and character deaths. Your readers need never worry about the outcomes of your stories.

Act now, copies of Story-bot are going fast!

[mad_maudlin]

...this makes me glad that nobody pays attention to my fics. :-)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

If you place your order today, we shall include -- free of charge! -- our new "chameleon" Story-bot feature! Fresh from beta testing, this wildly popular enhancement scans your readers story habits, then replaces key elements -- with things they've read before. No more unsafe surprises. Story-bot will guarantee they recognize everything they read. Get Story-bot today.

[nufaciel.livejournal.com]

*snickers* Hilarious.

Yeah, at the first signs of trouble, I dove under my bed and haven't come out yet, as far as this fandom goes. I'm more than happy to play in my own corner with my own toys.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

We at Story-bot congratulate you on a wise decision, and note that Story-bot sales have risen 400%. With Story-bot you need never worry again.

[greenling.livejournal.com]

Why have black barista when you can have a black barrister?

Great. Now I want AU lawyerfic. I don't know where to find any of that.

There's got to be a HP/Phoenix Wright crossover somewhere out there...

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

For a limited time only, Story-bot offering our new "Auto-write" feature! Yes, just plug in your character names, choose one of five exciting endings -- and Story-bot will write your story for you! No more tedious waiting for betas and endless late-night editing. With Story-bot your story is perfect, every time.

Get Story-bot today.

[perfica.livejournal.com]

Dear Story-Bot,

What say you to this assumption that the SGA fandom; nay, the internet, is populated entirely by POTA (People Of The Americas)? And that any and all issues that may be a problem in this fandom are applicable to everyone, regardless of where they live?

Yours faithfully,

Not An American

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Not to worry! Story-bot includes a wide variety of countries -- like Canada! -- and has an alternate Alaskan feature as well. Story-bot has thought of everything. Get Story-bot today!

[theemdash]

*snickers*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Story-bot can solve all your fandom woes. Buy today, and save!

[bruinsfan.livejournal.com]

Bwah! Thank you for pausing in the eye-rolling long enough to bring word of Story-Bot to the masses. My own eyes probably still look like the dials on a Vegas casino-front slot machine with a million dollar payout.


I'm feverishly hoping this latest fanploshion will give you ideas for more "Last Port of Call" stories. I feel the need to learn in greater depth about the harrasment complaints Rodney's been hit with and John's just-guys-being-guys intimacy issues, and a far stronger need to view the reactions of fans of Woobie Rodney and White Knight John...

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Can you imagine what Story-bot would do to that one? John would show up with roses and candy. Rodney would fall at his feet. They would have romantic lovemaking -- and call it that too.

Icarus

[lttledvl.livejournal.com]

Dear Story-Bot:

Does your software also include plug-ins for revisions of paired characters that some readers dislike? Will it churn out different variations of said pairings? After all, we know for certain that John must be paired with Rodney at all times.

(not to mention those passe pairings that occur in other fandoms, really what are those writers thinking?)

Sincerely,
lost somewhere in the depths of hell

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Not to worry! Not only does Story-bot maintain an Active Pairings list (just click the Pairings filter) but weekly updates scan your stories for any Prohibited Pairings, changing them to appropriate character combos. We also scan your past stories and correct them accordingly. Your pairings will remain up to the minute and fashionable! You're safe with Story-bot!

[inkscribe.livejournal.com]

Simply write your story as you would normally. Then plug in the Story-Bot (any resemblance to a paper shredder is purely coincidental), insert your story -- and let her rip!

We are most concerning this product bare distrust similtude to our glorious product, Happy Life Creator (http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/happy-life-creator.jpg).

Mea culpa! Resistance was futile!

OMG – *dies laughing* Thank you for the great start to my day!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Good lord -- what is that thing?

[xphoenixrising.livejournal.com]

Not my fandom but most funny.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Thank you! We at Story-bot shall soon unveil our multi-fandom edition. Story-bot, for all your fandom needs. You're safe with Story-bot.

[mcalex22.livejournal.com]

:snicker:

I like this idea - pity story bot wasn't around when said author was getting wanked. I could think of "real" shows that would need a story bot with their plot lines!

:D

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Story-Bot: filling all your story needs since one week too late, 2007.