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icarusTuning Up Your Bullshit Detector
There was a meme going around a year ago, having people list things they've learned in life. I couldn't think of anything at the time. But I've learned some things, and one of those is how to spot someone who's lying. The boyfriend and I play a game with 60 Minutes where he asks me, "Okay, is this person lying? How about this one?"
It's not perfect. I can be fooled. But I've put some time into learning how not to. I have caught more than a few liars in the act.
First is to pay attention.
Recognize circumstances when you're likely to be lied to, so you're looking for it. Is someone embarrassed? Backed up against the wall? Are they being forced to make an apology? Do they have something to lose from telling the truth? Something to gain from telling a lie?
Remember that a lie is a sell job. Your belief is the goal. When someone tries to sell me a story, I sharpen up.
Body language
I've done some reading on the subject. Research has shown that men and women lie differently.
Women will often glance down or look away, or twitch trying not to look away, when they're lying. A shame response.
Men will suddenly stiffen and stare you straight in the eye, trying to be convincing, when they lie. Their pupils will often dilate like they're scared.
Fitting the story to the audience
When people lie, they're often doing it on the fly. They'll flail around and pick up their cues from their surroundings -- especially from what you say.
You can catch a liar by feeding them the cues you want them to feed back to you. Someone who tells the truth will often come up with something unexpected. The liar will feed back exactly what you told them to say.
The unshakable story
It's counterintuitive, but a consistent story isn't necessarily the sign of the truth. What changes in the story is what matters. Facts don't change. Perceptions do. The truth is three-dimensional. A lie is usually two-dimensional.
A poor liar might lose track of facts. One day they say the sky was blue at the wedding. The next they tell us it was raining. These sorts of sensory details shouldn't change. Not if they're important.
The truthful person tracks on the facts, but they might change their perspective, their opinion of the events. First they'll say they were really pissed off at the wedding; next they'll say that they weren't all that pissed off, but they were peeved. They'll complicate the picture, expand into new details, characters they didn't mention before. They'll correct themselves, "Sorry, Maud wasn't wearing the red dress. It was the pink." Their story will be fluid but three-dimensional.
A prepared liar will rehearse their lie and tell it the same way every time. But it takes a chameleon's skill and brilliance (like The Usual Suspects) to have a lot of specifics in mind or be able to expand on events.
A two-dimensional story, like a memorized, glib script, is a sign someone might be lying to you. They'll say "my grandmother died" rather than "my grandmother died on Tuesday." If you ask more questions, the answers will become increasingly vague or they'll stumble.
A whole truth out of two half truths
Another type of liar will weave their story out of half truths. This is hard to spot. It's the trick of experts and people who don't want to lie. The half-truth liar will try to get you to fill in the blanks for them.
But the blanks will be big, and they will be facts they should and would normally say. "Oh, my car's been having problems" is an attempt to make you fill in the gap that they were late due to car trouble.
You have to be direct with an open-ended question: "Really? What happened?" That forces them to tell the truth or try a different technique.
Flat affect or phony emotions
Most stories have emotions behind them.
An unprepared liar will not be able to mimic the right emotions. They'll say their car broke down, but they won't be all that upset about it. Or else they will create the emotion until they think you've accepted the story -- and then suddenly the emotion will shift. Shut off like a switch.
The prepared liar, someone who's worked on it or the professional con artist, will stay in character. But their emotions will not make sense because they're being used to manipulate you. A blatant example: a lawyer will mimic anger in the courtroom to get a reaction out of a witness. But their "anger" won't build properly. There will be no apparent cause. It will come across as capricious and unpredictable, used to get the desired affect.
The con artist can be spotted in the moments they slip. They'll fall out of character in time. Usually they'll feed their audience warm fuzzies (very common), tell them what they want to hear (based on cues you give them)... and then turn hard-eyed. Or be deeply involved in some emotional fray... and suddenly step back and watch, checking that they got the reactions they wanted. Or they'll play a character that's warm and pleasing, then suddenly say something hard and cynical.
I've noticed that you won't get the truth out of these people. If they've invested the time to fake the emotions... *shakes head.* When I catch on to a con, I run. And warn my friends.
The simple soundbyte
Most liars will keep their story simple, easy to believe, and carefully devoid of contradictions.
What I've never seen a liar manage is the duality of the truth. The truth is complicated. It has three layers:
1) the facts,
2) the past interpretation of the facts, and
3) present interpretation of the facts.
For example, a story about your dog will include the facts:
1) the dog saved you from a burning building,
2) the way you felt at the time, "I thought he was the best darned dog ever," and
3) how you interpret it now, "I realize that adopting a former police dog was a good idea."
And 2) may even be multifaceted and span many years of different interpretations. It may even contradict 3) "later I realized that it wasn't my dog that barked, but my neighbor's."
Lies rarely get this complicated. The truth almost always is.
Ask open-ended questions, draw out the rest of the story. The truth will get more involved. A lie will stay the same.
Distraction
Finally, the last technique of deception (that I can think of) is to not lie at all, but refocus attention. It's the magician's method. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
The CIA agent hacking into your computer will compliment you on your tie. You'll look at it instead of at what they're doing.
The first clue is an inappropriate lightness. You've just said, "Hey--!" and they compliment your tie. The second is a verbal diarrhea that circles you away from certain topics.
People who engage in this type of deception are usually exceedingly polite and pleasant. Entertaining even. They're counting on your good manners to not call them on it.
The only technique I have for this is the blunt question. They'll be offended, but if they avoid the question again, then something's up. If you keep them talking, you'll often be able to triangulate the blank spot. The good thing about this type? They usually will keep talking.
So there you go.
Not every lie is created equal. Sometimes it's not worth knowing the truth. It doesn't matter if your coworker really had car trouble or if they slept through their alarm. Sometimes the lie is a polite fiction ("Yes, dear, I love that dress on you") where you're better off accepting it as intended in good grace.
But there are bad people in the world. People who aim to fleece you, on the internet and in real life. People whose interests run counter to yours and are willing to "do what it takes" -- including lie. People who get a charge out of creating a reaction, who are happy to waste your time and take advantage of your good nature.
I've noticed that the people who have my best interests at heart usually tell me the truth. And those who don't ... I often catch them in a lie. 90% of the time, in my experience at least, lies and bad intentions go hand in hand.
There was a meme going around a year ago, having people list things they've learned in life. I couldn't think of anything at the time. But I've learned some things, and one of those is how to spot someone who's lying. The boyfriend and I play a game with 60 Minutes where he asks me, "Okay, is this person lying? How about this one?"
It's not perfect. I can be fooled. But I've put some time into learning how not to. I have caught more than a few liars in the act.
First is to pay attention.
Recognize circumstances when you're likely to be lied to, so you're looking for it. Is someone embarrassed? Backed up against the wall? Are they being forced to make an apology? Do they have something to lose from telling the truth? Something to gain from telling a lie?
Remember that a lie is a sell job. Your belief is the goal. When someone tries to sell me a story, I sharpen up.
Body language
I've done some reading on the subject. Research has shown that men and women lie differently.
Women will often glance down or look away, or twitch trying not to look away, when they're lying. A shame response.
Men will suddenly stiffen and stare you straight in the eye, trying to be convincing, when they lie. Their pupils will often dilate like they're scared.
Fitting the story to the audience
When people lie, they're often doing it on the fly. They'll flail around and pick up their cues from their surroundings -- especially from what you say.
You can catch a liar by feeding them the cues you want them to feed back to you. Someone who tells the truth will often come up with something unexpected. The liar will feed back exactly what you told them to say.
The unshakable story
It's counterintuitive, but a consistent story isn't necessarily the sign of the truth. What changes in the story is what matters. Facts don't change. Perceptions do. The truth is three-dimensional. A lie is usually two-dimensional.
A poor liar might lose track of facts. One day they say the sky was blue at the wedding. The next they tell us it was raining. These sorts of sensory details shouldn't change. Not if they're important.
The truthful person tracks on the facts, but they might change their perspective, their opinion of the events. First they'll say they were really pissed off at the wedding; next they'll say that they weren't all that pissed off, but they were peeved. They'll complicate the picture, expand into new details, characters they didn't mention before. They'll correct themselves, "Sorry, Maud wasn't wearing the red dress. It was the pink." Their story will be fluid but three-dimensional.
A prepared liar will rehearse their lie and tell it the same way every time. But it takes a chameleon's skill and brilliance (like The Usual Suspects) to have a lot of specifics in mind or be able to expand on events.
A two-dimensional story, like a memorized, glib script, is a sign someone might be lying to you. They'll say "my grandmother died" rather than "my grandmother died on Tuesday." If you ask more questions, the answers will become increasingly vague or they'll stumble.
A whole truth out of two half truths
Another type of liar will weave their story out of half truths. This is hard to spot. It's the trick of experts and people who don't want to lie. The half-truth liar will try to get you to fill in the blanks for them.
But the blanks will be big, and they will be facts they should and would normally say. "Oh, my car's been having problems" is an attempt to make you fill in the gap that they were late due to car trouble.
You have to be direct with an open-ended question: "Really? What happened?" That forces them to tell the truth or try a different technique.
Flat affect or phony emotions
Most stories have emotions behind them.
An unprepared liar will not be able to mimic the right emotions. They'll say their car broke down, but they won't be all that upset about it. Or else they will create the emotion until they think you've accepted the story -- and then suddenly the emotion will shift. Shut off like a switch.
The prepared liar, someone who's worked on it or the professional con artist, will stay in character. But their emotions will not make sense because they're being used to manipulate you. A blatant example: a lawyer will mimic anger in the courtroom to get a reaction out of a witness. But their "anger" won't build properly. There will be no apparent cause. It will come across as capricious and unpredictable, used to get the desired affect.
The con artist can be spotted in the moments they slip. They'll fall out of character in time. Usually they'll feed their audience warm fuzzies (very common), tell them what they want to hear (based on cues you give them)... and then turn hard-eyed. Or be deeply involved in some emotional fray... and suddenly step back and watch, checking that they got the reactions they wanted. Or they'll play a character that's warm and pleasing, then suddenly say something hard and cynical.
I've noticed that you won't get the truth out of these people. If they've invested the time to fake the emotions... *shakes head.* When I catch on to a con, I run. And warn my friends.
The simple soundbyte
Most liars will keep their story simple, easy to believe, and carefully devoid of contradictions.
What I've never seen a liar manage is the duality of the truth. The truth is complicated. It has three layers:
1) the facts,
2) the past interpretation of the facts, and
3) present interpretation of the facts.
For example, a story about your dog will include the facts:
1) the dog saved you from a burning building,
2) the way you felt at the time, "I thought he was the best darned dog ever," and
3) how you interpret it now, "I realize that adopting a former police dog was a good idea."
And 2) may even be multifaceted and span many years of different interpretations. It may even contradict 3) "later I realized that it wasn't my dog that barked, but my neighbor's."
Lies rarely get this complicated. The truth almost always is.
Ask open-ended questions, draw out the rest of the story. The truth will get more involved. A lie will stay the same.
Distraction
Finally, the last technique of deception (that I can think of) is to not lie at all, but refocus attention. It's the magician's method. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
The CIA agent hacking into your computer will compliment you on your tie. You'll look at it instead of at what they're doing.
The first clue is an inappropriate lightness. You've just said, "Hey--!" and they compliment your tie. The second is a verbal diarrhea that circles you away from certain topics.
People who engage in this type of deception are usually exceedingly polite and pleasant. Entertaining even. They're counting on your good manners to not call them on it.
The only technique I have for this is the blunt question. They'll be offended, but if they avoid the question again, then something's up. If you keep them talking, you'll often be able to triangulate the blank spot. The good thing about this type? They usually will keep talking.
So there you go.
Not every lie is created equal. Sometimes it's not worth knowing the truth. It doesn't matter if your coworker really had car trouble or if they slept through their alarm. Sometimes the lie is a polite fiction ("Yes, dear, I love that dress on you") where you're better off accepting it as intended in good grace.
But there are bad people in the world. People who aim to fleece you, on the internet and in real life. People whose interests run counter to yours and are willing to "do what it takes" -- including lie. People who get a charge out of creating a reaction, who are happy to waste your time and take advantage of your good nature.
I've noticed that the people who have my best interests at heart usually tell me the truth. And those who don't ... I often catch them in a lie. 90% of the time, in my experience at least, lies and bad intentions go hand in hand.
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 09:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 09:23 am (UTC)I just use lies as an early warning signal. (Also, I dislike them. Find them insulting.)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 09:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 10:06 am (UTC)Human memory just doesn't seem to be up to the job in most cases.
That's why liars who prepare carefully keep it simple. And it's a good reason not to lie. Because you're going to get caught.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 04:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 10:01 am (UTC)'Like, my ex and his girlfriend... I like her, I just wouldn't live with her. They 'think' of things to do to each other when they're upset with each other. She'll smash his bag of lunch chips, or he'll wipe pizza all over her computer. That's just weird. I know... way off lying and on into passive-aggressiveness, but people confuse me. Who wants to work that hard at anger?
I egx...excagger... fully commit to a fulsome truth! *hates when she can't spell* It confuses the masses. Is she telling the truth?
*g* Sorry for the ramble, but apparently not enough. ;-) You got me thinking.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 10:59 am (UTC)Not sure how that filters into your theories, but it might be something to consider :P
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 11:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 11:59 am (UTC)why do people bother to lie? and furthermore, what is the morality behind justifying the lie to themselves?
all this will help me with my bad guys so much.
may i link to this?
thank you for taking the time. how did you learn all this?
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 12:10 pm (UTC)Link away.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 02:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 03:36 pm (UTC)Fascinating stuff! Like
On a more personal note, I probably ping some people's radar because I rarely pay attention to the same kinds of things other people do and often jumble 'unimportant' facts from similar events, while remembering things no one else seems to care about.
Worse yet, when I'm pissed off at someone, I'll work through my anger by "arguing" with them in my head. Later, I can't remember if that was a real conversation or not. *headdesk* (Yes, I have gotten pissed all over again over something someone said in my imaginary bitch session. Hey! It usually works! :-)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 03:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-25 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 05:16 pm (UTC)*grin*
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 05:26 pm (UTC)The troubling ones were the slightly more intelligent ones who lied so badly that a five-year-old could call them on it. Sigh.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 11:37 pm (UTC)I've screened that comment though. It revealed more than I'm comfortable with. If you're in certain circles and were curious about my RL identity, that info could narrow down your search considerably.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-25 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-25 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-25 03:50 am (UTC)What I found odd is they regarded me with suspicion for any instant where they would have lied, but the few times I tested their awareness they missed it completely because I 'was a girl and a nice one at that.' Interesting experience, but I pity his partner, or anyone else who dealt with him on a long term basis. His twin was just as bad, but less skilled.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-27 11:33 pm (UTC)(Ah, 30s, even as you were destroying my waistline and debt-free thriftiness, you gave me the best gift of all–not giving a damn...)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-30 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-30 06:34 pm (UTC)Not every lie is created equal. Sometimes it's not worth knowing the truth. It doesn't matter if your coworker really had car trouble or if they slept through their alarm. Sometimes the lie is a polite fiction ("Yes, dear, I love that dress on you") where you're better off accepting it as intended in good grace.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-30 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-30 10:09 pm (UTC)