An open letter to my anonymous reviewer.

[icarus]

Whoever sent me this review -- I can't respond unless you give me your email.

I'll respond here, and hope that you'll see it. I don't know if you're on my f-list or not, so I'm not able to f-lock it the way I normally would. But I am glad you brought up the subject of Rodney's weight because I haven't had a chance to address this yet.

Anonymous wrote: I've very much enjoyed reading this and look forward to more. The only frstration is the repeated mentioning of Rodney being fat/ugly etc. It becomes very frustrating and makes me hurt for him, considering he's neither of the two. Every compliment you give him seems as if you've written it almost grudgingly, which makes me wonder why you have him paired with John at all if you dislike him so much.
Apart from that, the humour and banter is very them.


In truth, no one can tell anything about my feelings about Rodney from this story. Or any other story. I've even killed him, yet that does not mean that I do not love Rodney or that I want to see him dead. I write what is appropriate the story (for example, a fic about John grieving it's appropriate to have someone close to him die. Who better than Rodney?)

If you attempt to discern my feelings about a variety of topics from my fics, you will become very confused and might even decide that I'm for rape, dub-con, incest, murdering people, male pregnancy, war, teacher-student relationships, child abuse, that I'm both for and against slash, and into drugs, alcohol abuse, and prostitution. I think writing should explore a variety of different topics, including tough ones, and I believe that we shouldn't prejudge what our conclusions should be but let the story tell itself.

In this case, Out Of Bounds is a figure skating story. This story explores the world of figure skating.

Figure skaters are athletes.

Athletes have a different standard of physical fitness from most of us. This may or may not be surprising. Figure skaters have to watch their weight to a degree that is not usual for, say, an astrophysicist.

Three-time U.S. Champion Johnny Weir has written about how strict he has to be with what he eats and how he has to "avoid that Haagen Dazs." Let's have a look at how immensely overweight Johnny Weir is:



Last summer he let himself eat a more healthy diet during the off-season and then trimmed ("most of") the weight off before competing. His idea of "extra weight":



While we're at it, let's have a look at another skater, Evan Lysacek:



Rowr. I just made up an excuse to throw that in. But you do see that these guys are in extraordinary shape?

Now let's have a look at one of my favorite photos of Rodney McKay, one I had in mind in for that early scene where Rodney's wakened by John knocking on his door after falling asleep on the coach:



Don't you just want to tickle him? He's adorable. But! Definitely not in the same shape as those figure skaters (see above).

He was however, thinner (much thinner) when he was younger. I couldn't find any screencaps of The Penthouse but here he is in Pin but scinscript could:



Now it's a tradition for skaters to let themselves go once they're no longer competing. After all those hard years of skating and dieting they deserve it. Here's former champion Dick Button:





But every time Rodney mentions skating again, John (and Sonja) are going to point out that Rodney's not exactly in prime figure skating condition (please note photo of Johnny Weir above). John's not going to resist razzing Rodney, especially since even John has to be on a diet (imposed by Rodney). And all the women Rodney has mocked over the years for being too heavy for skating? They're ready and waiting for him now.

This is not because Rodney is abnormally fat, but because physical fitness is an important part of athletic competitions.

That said, Christopher Bowman's struggle to maintain his prime skating weight didn't keep him from being a wonderful performer. Not even when his weight was a little higher than usual:

Bowman "Birth of the Blues" COI 1987 -

I hope you have enjoyed this photo essay. I will now return you to your regularly scheduled Out Of Bounds. For a more personal reply, in the future, please include your email address.

I'm glad you're enjoying the story otherwise. I hope that weighing (pun intended) Rodney's physical fitness against the requirements of competitive skating gives the proper context. It's a little like standards of beauty in Hollywood: not exactly reasonable, but part of that world.


P.S. Nowhere in Out Of Bounds is it ever said that Rodney is ugly. I don't know why anyone would consider "overweight" to equal "ugly," frankly. My mother is overweight and drop dead gorgeous. But it is telling that these two were automatically equated. I sense a fic about Keller and her struggles with her body image from being a chubby preteen in here somewhere....

Comments

[whatifisaidno.livejournal.com]

Don't you just want to tickle him? He's adorable.

Oh my god, Rodney. *!*

On that note, I've finally caught up to where you're at in OoB on the website. Seeing them from Radek's POV was disorienting and very cool.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Both hands, right there on the waistline -- *tickle, tickle, tickle*

I bet he'd yelp. And squiggle. And look wide-eyed and vulnerable.

It was a helpful review. I find Rodney/David Hewlett so attractive that it never even occurs to me that I might have to explain the attraction from John's point of view. Maybe there just isn't enough about Rodney from John's perspective, particularly after they get together.

On that note, I've finally caught up to where you're at in OoB on the website. Seeing them from Radek's POV was disorienting and very cool.

Oh, man, I'm so overwhelmed, I really need to update that website version but I just don't have time. I have two priorities: school, and writing the rest of Out Of Bounds. But each time someone mentions the web version, I wince.

Is it disorienting? That's interesting. We know so much more about their relationship than Radek did, so of course he made some wrong assumptions.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Rodney is certainly adorable, but fit isn't something I would use to describe him.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I suspect the topic of Rodney's weight hit a personal button for my anonymous reviewer. It was less about Rodney and more about an identification with Rodney.

There is the "ideal of beauty" which suggests that if you're not thin, you're ugly, which is how my reviewer was interpreting this. This is applied more to women than men (though increasingly to men).

Then there's the concept of "appropriate body weight." The proper weight for a Sumo wrestler is very different from that of a figure skater, even if they're both athletes.

The comments about Rodney gaining weight are the latter.

And, no. For the sake of this AU I have to explain how our plump Rondey could possibly be an Olympic figure skater.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

And now I'm picturing Sumo wrestlers on skates....

[mad_maudlin]

:-( The pics of Rodney/DHew won't load for me for some reason. But, yes. He may be adorable, and he's probably in good health, but nobody in their right mind is gonna call him skinny.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Both, or just the one from Pin? Because the one from Pin suddenly isn't loading for me either.

[sarka.livejournal.com]

The picture of Rodney... *wants to snuggle*... *brain not computing*

But I can't see the next picture, the one of him in Pin?

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

That keeps disappearing for people, myself included:

http://www.davidhewlett.co.uk/scrncaps/pin/pin028.jpg

*shrugs*

[lherelenfeline.livejournal.com]

"I don't know why anyone would consider "overweight" to equal "ugly," frankly."

This is what I see when I look in the mirror. Overweight= ugly, and I cannot drop the weight unless I go bulimic. I know, rationally that it's not so, but viscerally it's there, I feel it and I can't break it. Perhaps its due to having had been a child model, but the measure of beauty ( or attractiveness) by weight is so deeply embedded that I can't excise it, and I've been trying for 10 years now. Transitioning has made it worse, and I have to learn to live with it...
Its not often that i see myself on the other side of the mirror from you, but this is one of those times...

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

On a personal level:

My mother has always had a sort of blithe confidence about her body, a certainty that she is beautiful. It doesn't mean that she wouldn't like to be back to her college weight, or back to a size 12, but she never doubted that she's beautiful.

She always told me that how you feel about yourself is how others will see you. That most women who are overweight think they are unattractive and then project that.

In my case I've always been thin (other than my middle age thickening around the middle, *smirks* which has the trade-off of my going up a cup size) plus I've grown up with her personality and perspective on weight and beauty.

I do understand where my anonymous gets her perspective (I'm assuming she's a she).

Layers within the story:

There is a little of that in the story. Absolutely. Especially in some of Radek's catty comments to his assistant. But when it comes from John and Sonja, it's about Rodney as an athlete.

Mostly.

There are layers here: a little bit of competitiveness between John and Rodney, where John implies in small ways that if they were both out on the ice, he could beat Rodney. Hell, John's so competitive, he makes those little girls wipe out during his breaththrough when they seem to think they can keep up with him.

Physical fitness is such an important part of athletics. There are little sly asides about coaches who've let themselves go. There's a narcissism, competitiveness and pettiness that threads its way through the sport. And Rodney's just as guilty of it. He still slams overweight female figure skaters all the time.

I would not have been true to figure skating if I hadn't left that in there. If it stings a little to read it... it should.

[lherelenfeline.livejournal.com]

Shit, totally dint mean to dump it on you. Please feel free to delete. I'm obviously over-sensitive on the issue.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm glad you did because it made me look closer.

I like to shine a light in the dark corners with my stories. Explore moral gray areas, take a hard look past the surface -- and not assume that I know what's right and wrong either. Not determine how I'm going to look at it. I just look.

Often a layer of a story will surface that just "feels right" -- but I don't examine why.

Wow. I'm glad she brought the up.

The body consciousness of figure skating is pervasive. There is a lurking assumption that the physically fit are superior. And they are superior skaters... maybe. It's part of the mindset that tries to put John out to pasture when he's only 28, has had an injury, and was fourth at Nationals just two years prior.

Is it "just" to worship at the temple of competitive success? When it has with it this unjust implication that the healthy, the strong, the fit -- the winners -- are somehow superior? What happens to those who don't win? Who are injured? Who aren't fit or aren't fit anymore?

She's touched on the core of the story.

And she's right. She's absolutely right. Not in the way that these things shouldn't be in the story -- oh no, they should. But it is... wrong. Yet, that's figure skating. That's what they love, that's what they've both chosen to be part of.

Why do they hang in there for something so fleeting? Why stick around when it's out of reach and over? Is the thrill of victory that sweet? Or is it something else?

[rellan.livejournal.com]

To anonymous:

I am overweight. I'm 5 ft. 2 in. and weigh around 230 lbs. I am not ugly. I have never felt ugly because of my weight. Being overweight does not equal ugly.

Of course, ugly (like a lot of things) is highly subjective. And it does not depend entirely upon the physical. I've met certain people who do not fit the accepted 'standard' of beautiful. And yet because of who they are inside, they are the most beautiful of people to me. I've met certain people who do fit the beautiful 'standard' and because of who they are inside, I would not dirty myself by being around them. I'm not saying everyone I've met can be classified this way. I'm just giving an example.

So sure, Rodney's overweight. I'd still pounce him. The way icaruscanlion writes him he's crabby, annoying, arrogant, loveable and tough with a marshmallow center. And I like him. :)

[amalthia]

good response.

[starrylizard.livejournal.com]

ZOMG! I'm so behind on this fic. I need to print it and read it from the beginning again. I will get to it again... I so want to. Hello God/s, please give me more hours in the day!

*cough* Good response. There are a few people very touchy about the whole Rodney and his weight thing since it was mentioned in passing (in jest) on the show. Touchy, touchy peoples! Thank you for the gratuitous EL pic by the way! Mmmmm :P

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

I cannot believe you got that letter. I have to bite my tongue hard.

Very hard.

I might have to log off to not respond actually *g*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm only annoyed that it was sent anonymously. That's cowardice. It doesn't give me any chance to respond and implies that they aren't even willing to see another side.

But, you know, sometimes people forget to fill in their email address on the comment form. I should probably shut down that feature on my website. It's never worked very well. People worry that they might get spam if they fill it out. I figure if they're on my f-list and they accidentally didn't fill out their email, then they'll come forward. One way or another.

[ca-pierson.livejournal.com]

On second read through I realise this is a bit of a rant and I'm really sorry for that.

I'm a bit overweight myself and am fighting to reduce my weight because it'd be good for my back. And sure, there are days when I feel ugly because of it ... not every day though, not very often at all actually. You know, just some days when looking into the mirror I think 'gee, Cass, you look like crap' and that only has very little to do with being overweight. I think it generally has something to do with the way women perceive themselves. I mean, gee, I have friends who have the perfect weight and they still find something to nitpick about, I have friends who are beautiful (seriously, by every standard) and then they say "but my butt is too fat" and I'm stare for a bit and then say "no it isn't". This is repeated every once in a while. And this is not restricted to women anymore. My partner does the same thing sometimes and it drives me nuts because to me he's gorgeous ...

Personally I blame our society for this, with the push for perfection in adverts and tv shows and fashion. We are given this unreachable standard of beauty (yes, unreachable for a lot of people, because, lets be honest, I'd rather be healthy than weight 60 kilos and have a flat stomach by puking up my food, eat a ridiculous diet or take meds - or spend so much of my time in the gym that I might as well build one in my own home). Losing weight is not easy for me, I have the willpower of a gnat when it comes to food. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't go out every evening to dance the night away, and food is my only 'vice'. I've no intention to deny myself that just because I can't fit a beauty standard that I find - personally - ridiculous on so many levels that I don't even want to get into it. So I'm slowly losing weight and I still have the occasional bowl of Ben & Jerry's.

Overweight is not the same as ugly. And I think for the sake of the story you needed the ribbing and the comments about his weight. I never ever took it personal or thought you hated fat people and thought they're ugly. I actually thought you took a lot of time to get as close to what the skating world is like as you could.

Cuddles with Rodney on the couch and squishes him.

[gwendolen.livejournal.com]

You know, based on today's standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered overweight and I still think she's very beautiful and had the right amount of curves. Same with for example Kate Winslet where people constantly go on about her weight and I sit there thinking: WTF? She's gorgeous the way she is and I refer her to all those extremely skinny actresses and wanna-be actresses that come out of Hollywood. No, being able to count bones is not attractive.

As you said, it's all a matter of perspective.

[undinae.livejournal.com]

Actually, I read something about this in the paper this morning; Kate Winslet saying that she sometimes struggles not to feel fat surrounded by Hollywood types. She says she wants to look natural. I think she looks great. I have always been curvy myself, never below a size 12/14 since I was 12 years old and have struggled with my weight to some extent (currently about size 18/20). But that doesn't stop me feeling sexy a lot of the time and my favourite role model is Mae West.

[noorie.livejournal.com]

aww bb, i don't think you've got to explain yourself to readers like this, but in any case it was an interesting glimpse into the world of figure skaters. plus i really want to cuddle up to rodney now, like my kitty would, head in the space between his upraised arm and his neck.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I don't.

But, one, a lot of people in fandom are overweight, at least according to my friends who've gone to cons.

Two, I suspect therefore that some may have an issue with the fact that Rodney is difficult to buy as an Olympic figure skater and I have to deal with that fact in the story.

Three, I consider anonymous messages cowardly.

[zzanthalinn.livejournal.com]

First, I adore Out of Bounds -- and personally, thought it quite clear that Rodney was simply enjoying the opportunity afforded by retirement from competition to relax a bit. It reminds me of reading Dick Francis novels and the ongoing struggle his jockeys have with keeping their weight down by living on practically nothing.

So in case you were wondering, I think most people interpreted what you offered as you meant it to be seen. Rodney / Hewlett is just a total teddy bear now; what made this story so easy for me to believe was having seen pictures of him in his post-adolescent growth spurt stage, before he really started acquiring his mature adult, umm, presence.

I say this all as a 5'6" person who weighs at least 220, and who up until about 195 enjoyed a body that put on fat consistently evenly, so it's only recently that the generous curves have been rendered maladaptive. Mostly I'm working on losing weight and becoming fit because my knees, ankles, and feet are complaining. Personally, I'd rather be considered amusing and generous than beautiful but hey, YMMV.

Whatever you believe, it has sparked a very interesting discussion. And it spurred you to post that most delicious collection of photos. Rowr indeed.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

So in case you were wondering, I think most people interpreted what you offered as you meant it to be seen.

Okay, that's a relief.

[heythere10.livejournal.com]

I never thought Rodney sounded ugly. In fact, I thought you did a good job at making him sound realistic. First off, if he's been training like crazy and stops, his body is going to change. You've also done a great job describing the STATE he's in... from three time world champion to coach of pre-teen girls :P His appearance would have to look the part of that I would think... if that makes any sense :P

So many skaters go through 'fat' phases, but what they consider 'fat' is relative, I guess.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

As a friend of mine said, sometimes people are just looking for something to complain about.

[skinscript.livejournal.com]

DH at 20 http://pics.livejournal.com/skinscript/pic/0002gyxx

and http://pics.livejournal.com/skinscript/pic/0002hz6h/g3

Definite skater's build back then.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh! May I put that in the post?

Wow. Definitely a skater's build. Don't you just want to... tug... just a little on that towel?

One nice thing about Hewlett: he's never been shy.

[bruinsfan.livejournal.com]

On the heavy = ugly front, I think it really depends upon the person - weight can suit some people's features better than others. I'm a lot happier with my appearance at 225 lbs. than I was back in school 80 pounds lighter, even though that's much closer to society's ideal for a man of my height. (I have to admit that looks-wise my peak (http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v373/174/19/1597147494/n1597147494_30976_346.jpg) was when I was 33 and about 180 lbs., though.)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

If WG were a skater, he'd have to keep his weight very low, around the weight he was when I met him, 155. His best weight is about 172, I think, but that would be too heavy for someone doing those jumps. Every pound requires that much more muscle to lift it off the ice. No coincidence that the "quad king," Timothy Goebel, was only 5' 7" and 130 lbs.