HALP. How do you avoid a very, very nice guy?

[icarus]

HALP. How does one avoid a very, very nice guy?

See, I usually go for these shy types who don't know how to pursue women.

That puts all the work on me. If I don't feel like pursuing them, I am not pursued.

But I met this great guy up at retreat. He's a friend of a friend, at the same level (approximately) of Buddhist practice I am (not that it matters, but it means he's serious about it).

We clicked. Talked for hours one night (time I couldn't afford out of the retreat and I had to do some serious make-up work).

I'm just ... I don't want a relationship right now. I did a couple of boyfriends post-WG and I'm not into it at the moment. For a lot of reasons, one of them being that I'm just too fucking busy.

But he's Not!ShyTM. He's following up on conversations. Talking to my mom when he has a chance. Coming over to say hello at Buddhist events. Dropping me an email. Doing all the smart things GuysWhoAreInterested who are GoodAtRelationships and know how to SuccessfullyPursueAWoman do.

I'm not used to this. In fact, I've never encountered this before in my life.

What does one do?


ETA: Fandom, I'm still here. Just orbiting at a very great distance.

ETA2: Aack! He knows HowToStartConversations! That are NotAwkward! About ThingsShe'sInterestedIn that SheMentioned so that it's AlmostImpossibleNotToAnswer. Good lord. Social skills! What does one do?

Comments

[batdina]

at the very real risk of sounding like my grandmother, is there any reason you can't pursue a friendship with this person who shares interests, etc?

at the risk of sounding like me: you could just tell him now isn't the time for romance in your life and let him decide if friendship is worth pursuing or not.

IOW: if you enjoy his company, don't sacrifice friendship on the altar of romance.

and now I'm crawling back under my rock with Mishna Bikkurim (First Fruits).

[icarus]

The connect is Very Strong. It pulled me out of "Retreat Mode" it's so strong. I don't think it can be moved to a buddy-buddy level.

[batdina]

then tell him the truth.

[icarus]

*squirms*

Not THAT! Heavens!

All joking aside, he hasn't asked me out, so at this point I can't address it directly. He is skillfullyTM building the relationship. Too skillfully!

I've let him know about my ridiculous work schedule that makes me basically disappear from everyone's radar come fall through spring, because I work evenings and weekends, the reverse of normal people hours. I can be skillfulTM too.

[boxofdelights]

Tell him that he is delightful but there is no room in your life for a relationship?

[icarus]

I've started with letting him know how ridiculously busy I am, and how I basically disappear come fall because my schedule flips to weekend and evening work.

I'm told GuysWithSocialSkills straight out ask for a date and take it in stride if you say no. I've never experienced this, so I wonder.

[azurelunatic]

Make sure you know what your boundaries are, so if he gets near one, you can let him know?

idk

[icarus]

Good idea.

I think I'm okay with anything not in person. Or over the phone. So, like, internet only.

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

I take it flirting for the sake of flirting isn't something you enjoy? Me either.

Do you have a friend you can bring up in conversation who is having relationship troubles? When he asks you why you're so preoccupied, you can say, "oh, I'm worried about X, she's having trouble with her boyfriend, wow, I'm glad I'm not dating right now, I don't have the energy for that" or something similar? (In smaller, less planned-sounding chunks.)

[icarus]

Uh, it's okay, but this was pretty intense.

Your indirect approach is exactly what I'm trying, letting him know, indirectly, that time-wise I'm just not available.