*glug* *glug* *glug*

[icarus]

I'm falling apart now.

I have two essays due today. One is due in two hours and I couldn't do it. I've tried since yesterday... I'm just spent. I haven't even started. I don't even have a clue what I'm going to write about.

The other's due tonight (and it's already late).

I had my second all-day ESL conference on Saturday. It's more prep than I can do for my tutoring. I am completely fried from this conference. Lots of activities and group involvement. I'm surprised they didn't have us juggling. At the end the teacher hovered over my shoulder and I sent her to someone else. We were supposed to design an ESL lesson plan on the spot during class, just to give you an idea of the intensity: I told my group that I'm taking 17 credits and I'm completely, utterly fried. My group partner sad: "17 credits? That's not possible."

My HIS 210 group met on Sunday, but I couldn't go. Just... couldn't.

The Percy Ficathon has one more week. No, I haven't even started my story. Fuck.

The Percy Ficathon site continues on apace. I have the templates from singtoangels but haven't had time to look up the names of the coders to send them out.

The Icarus Slash Fiction site looks lovely, but I've run out of brainpower for it.

I have reading to do that's... not done. I did get the reading done for two classes. I've barely scratched the surface on my research paper. I should be much further along.

On the other hand, the original fiction is moving out the door (thank god something got finished).

Squabbling over hp_dungeons, I can check that off my list.

Emailing the people from Nitartha about their damned books that I need to mail back to them: check. Emailing jerk at Nitartha who tried to tell me what do with my life: check.

Talked to the landlady about the damned laundry that wildernessguru left downstairs for days, and got it back: check.

Now, just when I'm struggling with my courseload, wildernessguru is putting on the brakes with the housework. Wants me to cook more, help out more.

He has no responsibilities right now. Not even one. But he can't help me out.

ETA: On the plus side, I have a really fuzzy, cute kitty asleep on the couch next to me. He's getting fat, but that just makes him fluffier.

Comments

[florahart]

Gah! I can't believe you hadda go deal withe the laundry.

Wait, yes I can; I tell you, mine is SO related to yours. I don't think he's ever mande a doctor's appointment All By Himself, for instance, and when the brakes in the car needed work, he stared helplessly around in the air for a while before announcing he didn't know where to get it done, and then was astounded when I use the new-fangled "phone book" device to locate options and get price quotes. Helpless, I tell you.

And yes. He does the dishes, and puts stuff in the dryer if I put it in the wash, and tidies up (which is actually a problem because he never has the first clue he's seen/touched/moved anything in particular and then a, that makes me crazy because I'll have left somethingsomewhere and he'll have tidied it and b, he gets pissed when his own stuff gets lost the same way). He has no job. The kids are school-age. I: do laundry, do the lion's share of cooking, shop, oh-yeah-have a job (woah), and handle all making of appointments and overseeing of homework and so forth.

((hugs icarus))

[gmth.livejournal.com]

Your husband/home life sounds a lot like my husband/home life of five years ago or so.

This is why I'm divorced now.

[cheshyre]

Mine too, though I'm still with the man.
Has wildernessguru been tested for depression?
Now that my husband's depression is being effectively treated, he's able to accomplish so much more.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I've been really wondering if he has depression. He insists that he feels fine, but I'm worried. He has many of the signs: sleeping a lot, down on himself, unable to get motivated, sees the bad side of everything; he doesn't turn to alcohol, but he does have an emotional crutch he leans on. He doesn't get out at all, he's not hiking like he used to.

My going to school bums him out because he doesn't feel like he's accomplishing anything with his life. He's had few blows recently. He brought up the subject of marriage and I said no. His best friends have talked about moving nearby and he got his hopes up. He just found out that it's not happening. He turned in a professional skiier who was using his Pro discount to undercut a dealer, and the dealer gave away that WG was the one who blew the whistle. Now he's taking shit for it and there's a lot of nasty gossip behind his back. This was one of the few arenas that were going well in his life. He talked to the dealer, "I did the right thing here, and look what you did" --and they were very apologetic and gave him a lifetime discount. But he doesn't buy their stuff, he was just doing the right thing.

Also, his dad's been treated for severe depression.

Yeah, I think he is depressed, but there's no way in hell you'll ever get him on drugs. Trust me on this: it's not a minor belief of his. He'll swallow rat poison first. What works for him is the endorphins of getting out in the woods and exercise. It's just a matter of getting him out the door. *sigh*

Icarus

[ursula]

Well, good old-fashioned talking-to-someone therapy does still exist.

Of course, it's probably more expensive.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's too rich for my blood. Especially since he always seeks out the best of everything and wouldn't be content with a two-bit sliding scale, just-got-out-of-school-and-building-up-my-practice doc.

Icarus

[ursula]

Or anything he could get by virtue of being unemployed, alas . . .

[cheshyre]

Ouch.

First of all, I hope you don't mind but I forwarded this post to my husband to see whether he has any suggestions.

Second, clinical depression (as opposed to situational depression) *is* a chemical imbalance in the brain, which is where medications can help.

Third, somebody else mentioned talk therapy, which is expensive, but you might want to see if there are any group therapy groups he could join -- it's a bit cheaper, and it can be a tremendous help just to know that he isn't alone in what he's going thru.

Fourth, if you want to start up some sort of online support group for partners of depressed men, I wouldn't be averse to joining.

Finally (for now), in your copious free time, you might want to look for the book I don't want to talk about it: overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. It may be worth reading in helping you understand and possibly get thru to him.

Good luck.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I also don't believe in medications unless the situation is very extreme.

My idea of extreme: a have a family member who suffers from schizophrenia. If he does not take his meds, he's likely to walk in front of a train believing it will pass right through him, and he hallucinates demons in the closet.

That is a situation that needs medication.

Even then, there's a real downside to the medication. The other effects (I refuse to use euphemisms to downplay these effects) are awful. They dull his mind out so that this brilliant young man, who's an outstanding student with a fine grasp of the abstract (he's been compared to Linus) can barely focus and is sluggish all the time. He can't concentrate well and sleeps all the time. He's treated as if he's retarded because he speaks slowly and is slow to follow directions because of the medication.

The one that works better for him is addictive. The long-term effects of another of his drugs is a persistent facial tic. Then there's the long-term liver damage. Better than stepping in front of a train. But if you can avoid the medications altogether I would.

About ten years ago, someone attempted to alleviate some situational depression with Zoloft, with horrible results. Holy cow. That drug works by hyping up your system so that you are unable to concentrate on anything, good or bad. Like pouring champagne in your bloodstream.

My answer: flussssssh entire prescription down the toilet. Remove self from intolerable situation. Problem solved.

I know a woman who was given Zoloft for PMS for Christ's sakes.

Every ten years or so the medical profession gets excited about a medication, over-prescribes it, abuses it, and then finds out later what the serious effects are. In the early 60's the 'miracle drug' was cocaine. The mid-60's it was valium. Morphine was another one. They've over-prescribed antibiotics and now there're are resistant strains of virus' with no antibiotic to cure them. I sense that same feeling of cure-all excitement over anti-depressants and veer away.

Now, another friend of mine has real depression to the extent that my family member has schizophrenia. They've tried everything from lithium to you name it. Of course he's on anti-depressants.

I've seen real depression in action, that's why I recognise the symptoms. What WG has is pretty mild.

I'm not going to get into an argument about this. Honest, I don't have the energy or time.

But as far as I'm concerned, medication is a method of last resort, like amputating an arm. WG feels the same way.

Icarus

[ursula]

Your response to Zoloft sounds, er, idiosyncratic. I've had friends on Zoloft for whom it seemed to be the difference between freaking out over little things and being able to look at the big picture-- the brain-chemical equivalent of skipping breakfast vs. not skipping breakfast.

But then anyone's response to mind-altering chemicals is going to be idiosyncratic. Makes generalization either way dangerous.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I loathe drugs in any way, shape or form.

I'm in a cruddy, over-stressed mood and arguing with my feelings about drugs at this moment is a good way to find out the breadth and scope of my knowledge of profanity.

Icarus

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm Cheshyre's husband.

Sounds like he's depressed. This level of depression doesn't go away without drugs. I've got nothing useful to say about this, except that this won't go away without drugs, so, if he's not willing to go on them, it's going to be like this for his entire life, so you have to decide if you want to be with him like this, long-term.

There are some people who can synthesize some of the drugs they need off of B-vitamins. A certain percentage of seriously depressed people take B-12 suppliments and that kicks them out of it. Short-term, some of the chemicals in chocolate mimic some of the seratonin and dopamine drugs. So B-12 suppliments and chocolate sometimes can treat people who won't take drugs. Not like B-12 suppliments and chocolate aren't drugs, but, whatever.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Hi. Thanks for the intention. I don't think depression can be diagnosed online.

This is a little like the case of the seven blind men with the elephant. The one at the ear said he had a fan. The one at the trunk said he had a snake. The one at the tail said he had fly-whisk. The one at the side said it was a wall. And so on. Not a single one could tell it was an elephant. You don't know the whole picture so can't say one way or the other.

It's natural for people to project their own situations onto other people.

Icarus

[presently.livejournal.com]

*hugs poor Icarus* You shouldn't wear yourself down so. (says the girl who's been working on like.. 30 hours of sleep a week)

:(

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

*Icarus curls into a ball.*

The worst part is that when I have time, I'm so fried I don't take care of what I need to do.

*whimper*

Icarus

[presently.livejournal.com]

:(

The worst part is that when I have time, I'm so fried I don't take care of what I need to do.

That's exactly how I am, too. I end up waiting weeks to do laundry. My room is a disaster area. Etc, etc, etc. :\

[cursive.livejournal.com]

That's so how it happens, though. Have you talked to the convenors of those courses. If it's at all possible, get a week's grace and take a good two days off in which you don't allow yourself to even think about it, and then get back to it. It's harder than it sounds, and the hard part isn't getting the extension, but it works if you can discipline yourself to not giving them a second thought.

There are other options, but really they all involve saying 'I can't do this right now' and sorting that shift of deadlines out, otherwise the increased panic will make the whole thing seem impossible.

I can't advise on WG. I suck at relationships. I want to say tell him to wake the fuck up and stop being so selfish - so, you see why I suck at relationships. :)

If I can help, you know where I am. Digitally speaking.

[abigail89.livejournal.com]

*hugs* But you really ought to write those essays.

*Kicks your arse* I have complete confidence in you. You write amazing essays on writing. You write even more amazing stories. You can write this bloody essay. Do it.

Methinks it's time for you and the Guru to have a real heart-to-heart on the responsibilities question. If the boy isn't working, he really needs to pull his weight. When I dropped to less-than-halftime work, I began to cook more and do more kid-duty. I hate housework, so that hasn't changed :P, but I think I change the bed sheets more often.

What's holding the Guru back? Is he depressed because he doesn't have a job? Is he being a caveman? Does he need someone else to kick his arse for a change (*waves hand frantically**ooooh, ooh! Pick me! Pick me!)? Sometimes giving the "Heavy" position over to someone else helps.

[femmequixotic]

Squabbling over hp_dungeons, I can check that off my list.

Yes. God. Check that off with wide inky scribbles that cut through the paper. I'm still hungover this morning. *blinks blearily over Holly Golightly sunglasses*

He has no responsibilities right now. Not even one. But he can't help me out.

Oh, my God. I'd be ready to throttle him too. I mean, 17 hours is a killer load, hon. And this ESL conference sounds like it's insane. I mean, coming up with a lesson plan on the spot? I've watched my parents do lesson plans all my life. It takes a significant amount of time to detail one to begin with. And to do one right there? My God.

It does sound as if the Guru's a bit depressed, though. (The fact that he's even lost interest in hiking is a huge red flag in my eyes. I've suffered through bouts of depression for enough years to know that as soon as you start getting blah about activities that made you happy before, you need to take a good long look at things.) His depression is understandable...being out of work is difficult. And I understand the urge to avoid meds. Trust me. But he needs to focus himself on something...make himself participate in an activity he enjoys. Even if it's just walking around the block for ten minutes to start out with.

And there are all-natural supplements that can help combat depression. I have friends who've had good success with St. John's Wort, believe it or not. It takes a couple of weeks to take effect, but it really does help. And doesn't mess your body chemistry up the way an anti-depressant can.

And hey..if he wants to talk to any of us... :)

*hugs Icarus* And we're here for you, too, hon...

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Oh, my God. I'd be ready to throttle him too.

We talked, and he understands my situation better. A little. He can't tell when I'm screwing around on the computer, writing stuff, or when I'm doing homework. So he sees me on the computer and thinks "she's fucking off." We're gonna go around this subject more than a few times though, I can tell. He doesn't really get what a load I've taken on.

This is nothing new. It's the same as when I worked in corporate America. I'd come home wiped and he was like a puppy that had been cooped up all day, no clue why I had no energy or time until the weekend. He used to childishly call me at the office (out of sheer boredom) and while I was trying to put out fires with my boss hovering over my desk waiting for me ("Honey, I have to go now... sweetie, my boss is right here... darling, I'm hanging up now"), he'd tell me what he bought at the grocery store. Couldn't pry him off the phone with a crowbar. I told him he had 1950's housewife syndrome. My boss started calling him my 'high maintenance boyfriend.' At least she thought it was funny.

When he gets back to work I'm going to call him there, wait until he's wetting his pants to get off the phone, and then read him a grocery list. Ha. Only then will he get it. *Icarus raises palm* Past experience speaking.

No matter what, I can't give him enough attention, because I always have things going on, whether it's Buddhism, long hours at work, writing. His real problem is that right now he doesn't have a life outside me, the cat and his online outdoor pals. His friends have all moved away or are out of reach. The fact that his best buddy has changed his mind about moving back to Seattle has hit him hard. When I'm busy on the computer all day, all he's left with is kitty.

I mean, 17 hours is a killer load, hon.

It's too much. I think I have to drop the Service Learning, which would take me down to 15 credits. I hate to do it, but the workload is not getting lighter, it's increasing, and I'm pressed to the wall just to keep up.

And this ESL conference sounds like it's insane.

I'm going to use my experience there somehow for the class, because the Service Learning was only supposed to be 20 hours total, yet I put in 16 hours of training. Something's wrong with that picture. And I'm supposed to be involved in Asian culture, but... the service learning's just not doing that.

I went along with the whole training program, but when I looked back on it I realized... this is nuts. It's one thing to make sure your students 'got it,' it's another to demand output without time to assimilate it. I'd have to say that this has burned me out on the idea of continuing with the tutoring program.

It's a good traing program though. I did the Laubach's training, which focused almost exclusively on beginning students. This covered a pretty wide range of students and classroom situations. It's just more than I was supposed to be doing, really.

And hey..if he wants to talk to any of us... :)

Thank you. He'd love that (man, he's bored...). Let me toss him online during the next Dungeons chat. ;)

Icarus

[tjstein.livejournal.com]

I can empathize with you on the home front. My husband recently lost his job and I've picked up a second job. So now I'm never home and the house is falling apart. He's barely keeping up with laundry, which was my main domestic task. I don't think he's pays attention to it until he starts running out of clean clothes.

I'm supposed to be going back to college in the fall after a 12 year hiatus. That may or may not happen depending on the husband's work status at the time. But in the meantime, I have two fuzzy kitties to get me through it. I think there's a lot to be said for cat therapy.

Hang in there!

[dphearson.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Ah, schoolwork. I remember it well!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

And I remember when I envied students. But I know why it was so much easier in high school. I'd do the final bookwork. Participate in class a lot. Ace the tests.

Then get a B because I turned nothing else in.

Good system, but as an adult I can't bear the utter irresponsibility.

Icarus

[icarusinwax.livejournal.com]

From your recent posts as well as this one, it seems as if you're constantly snowed under, something which happens only once in a while to us normal folk, but when it does happen turns everything upside down, so i empathize with you *hugs*

Thing to do is just go onto the balcony, smoke a pack of camels, recite a bit of shakespeare and disconnect the internet (i find the last bit does wonders, despite withdrawel symptoms i.e. obsessively clicking on yahoo, eyeing the disconnected wire, gnawing hands).

As for the percy ficathon, i haven't written mine either *facepalm*
hope you get everything done, even if it is late.

[rfachir.livejournal.com]

How 'bout you buy another laundry bag and offer to do your own clothes? It's fair, practical, and you're not really changing a blessed thing, but a good Machiavellian Marketer could make it sound like a win-win situation.

You sound like you need a vacation. Take a day off - from all of it. Disappear. Do something you've let slide off your list. Have a lazy day. Lie in the sun, or read something you don't have to, or go to laundromat or gallery or garden by yourself. Let everyone else figure themselves out. Drop the ball for 24 hours. Come back re-created.

We'll all be just as f*ed up when you get back - don't worry. We'll wait.

[thereallyle.livejournal.com]

That is the story of my life. *sigh* I asked for an extention for a final paper until tomorrow, then I stayed up until four am Sunday night finishing the book. I stayed home today and I'm hoping that tomorrow I can tell my poor teacher that I had the 24 hour flu and couldn't possibly have written the paper while bedridden. *crosses fingers*