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Aug. 2nd, 2004 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
icarusFound in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wikdsushi's journal.
No Pity, No Shame, No Silence.misia's friend was raped, and she's suggested people come forward to show her how they survived.
I am not a survivor of rape. I'm a survivor of child molestation, which is somewhat different.(And one reason the chanfic Little Boy Blue was easy to write from the child's point of view.)
Children are too innocent, or at least some are, to require force. It is often not violent but rather a betrayal of trust. Often they are lured: with candy, or favours, or a dog or cat.
But usually, it's someone they know and trust.
The "pervert in the park" is the smaller proportion of child-molesters. More commonly it is step-parents, or step-brothers, or an "uncle" who's really mom's boyfriend, or neighbours, or a regular babysitter, or a friend of the family. It's common for alcohol or drugs to be involved, and there's a difference between serial child-molesters and those random crimes of opportunity. The ones who make a habit of it are the ones who are caught. The random ones almost never are, because children don't tell.
Both the serial child molesters and the random ones have this in common: they don't see the child as a child. They become close enough to the kid as an individual (or in the case of the Michael Jackson types, are immature enough) that they see the kid as a person, capable of handling themselves as an adult.
Don't look at me strangely. Kids in that 9-12 year-old range are often articulate little people, with a lot of clearly voiced opinions. (Read the Michael Jackson transcripts. He is a classic serial child molester. He treats kids as equals, which is very appealing to a kid, and he does not understand that kids at that age do not have the voice to say no.)
I don't know how to prevent it. Teach children to distrust everyone? Yes, you should definitely teach them about sex earlier than you think. You should definitely teach them that there are certain ways of touching that they can and should say no to, no matter who it is.
The main thing is, kids at that age are hemmed in, surrounded by authority figures. Your parents tell you when to go to bed. Your teachers call on you in school, or give you permission even to go to the bathroom. The habit of obedience to those in authority whom you trust (important point) becomes ingrained.
I think what's most important is to nurture your kids' independence, even if the results are occasionally annoying. Then there's a chance when that trusted person tells them to do something strange, the kid feels they have a right to weigh it - and say no. Child molestation is usually not violent rape, but luring. Since these people want a willing participant, "no" very often will be enough.
wikdsushi's journal. No Pity, No Shame, No Silence.
misia's friend was raped, and she's suggested people come forward to show her how they survived.I am not a survivor of rape. I'm a survivor of child molestation, which is somewhat different.(And one reason the chanfic Little Boy Blue was easy to write from the child's point of view.)
Children are too innocent, or at least some are, to require force. It is often not violent but rather a betrayal of trust. Often they are lured: with candy, or favours, or a dog or cat.
But usually, it's someone they know and trust.
The "pervert in the park" is the smaller proportion of child-molesters. More commonly it is step-parents, or step-brothers, or an "uncle" who's really mom's boyfriend, or neighbours, or a regular babysitter, or a friend of the family. It's common for alcohol or drugs to be involved, and there's a difference between serial child-molesters and those random crimes of opportunity. The ones who make a habit of it are the ones who are caught. The random ones almost never are, because children don't tell.
Both the serial child molesters and the random ones have this in common: they don't see the child as a child. They become close enough to the kid as an individual (or in the case of the Michael Jackson types, are immature enough) that they see the kid as a person, capable of handling themselves as an adult.
Don't look at me strangely. Kids in that 9-12 year-old range are often articulate little people, with a lot of clearly voiced opinions. (Read the Michael Jackson transcripts. He is a classic serial child molester. He treats kids as equals, which is very appealing to a kid, and he does not understand that kids at that age do not have the voice to say no.)
I don't know how to prevent it. Teach children to distrust everyone? Yes, you should definitely teach them about sex earlier than you think. You should definitely teach them that there are certain ways of touching that they can and should say no to, no matter who it is.
The main thing is, kids at that age are hemmed in, surrounded by authority figures. Your parents tell you when to go to bed. Your teachers call on you in school, or give you permission even to go to the bathroom. The habit of obedience to those in authority whom you trust (important point) becomes ingrained.
I think what's most important is to nurture your kids' independence, even if the results are occasionally annoying. Then there's a chance when that trusted person tells them to do something strange, the kid feels they have a right to weigh it - and say no. Child molestation is usually not violent rape, but luring. Since these people want a willing participant, "no" very often will be enough.
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Date: 2004-08-03 07:32 pm (UTC)For one thing, I started wetting the bed around that time. I had been fine for years. I honestly didn't stop until I was eleven, which led to abuse from parents who didn't understand. Rubbing my face in wet sheets, spanking me every time, refusing to let me drink anything after eight, then seven, then six. I've never ever told another soul this...whew, about to cry. Another response was to pack on the pounds. I ate not only for comfort, but to make a shield between myself and the rest of the world, particularly men. I tend to fluctuate between relative shyness and almost promiscuity (LOVE ME! syndrome) unless I'm watching myself. I have minor panic attacks and sometimes slip into deep depression. I'm always almost-depressed, which makes it hard for me to take care of myself the way I should. Sometimes I just don't care about anything.
As for how I eventually dealt with it...time. Heh. It's cliche, but time does heal (most) wounds. I didn't become sexually active (and I am thankful he never penetrated me) until I was 19, only one partner until age 22, so I'm just now starting to recognize that trading physical affection for love niggling in the back of my mind. It's hard to not feel a little bit of dread when a guy first touches me.
I'm also taking control of my life for once instead of just letting things happen. For a long time, I used avoidance and denial as a crutch, which became a habit in all areas of my life. I know now that by taking things one step at a time, by asserting myself and not taking shit from anybody that I can actually live. Instead of exist.
The hardest thing to get over is that I believe my parents had an idea of what was going on. They just didn't do anything about it and wouldn't listen the one time I tried to tell. I learned not to trust them, but I wish I had went to another adult. Talking about the abuse itself years later was like passing a kidney stone--extremely painful, but a huge relief.
I recommend the autobiography Lucky to anyone who's been through a violent rape. Can't remember the author at the moment, but I can find it if someone wants it.
Sorry for rambling in your LJ, hon. I guess I just needed to let it go a little more.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-03 07:41 pm (UTC)Yeah, time heals all wounds. And 24 years pretty much buries them. It's one of the nice things about getting older. Which is good, because the grey hair is starting to worry me. ;)
Icarus