Slapping together a short story, already a page over....

[icarus]

Okay, assignment's in. Thanks for your help and suggestions.

I hated this (fragment of a) story, but sometimes you just have to put something on a page to do the assignment. Chatted with the professor after class and sure enough, the point was just to get a sample of our writing.

Comments

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I love the way this is told from the viewpoint of the kid, with all the kidly observations and thoughts. They are what make it a character-driven piece as opposed to one that's just event-event-event. I differ in opinion from comments above; I LOVE the level of detail-- David's observation about his sister never eating is one of my favorite bits. It makes me care more about David, and therefore more about the story.

I feel like there should be more of a transition between With a shrug, David decided it was time to go home. and The next day David met his sister. Not a transition as much as a chapter break, or at least something that marks the end of that day. I'm imagining something like, "...it was time to go home. Later, he wished he'd stayed out a little longer. Dinner was pork chops, which he didn't like." Or something! It could even be something foreshadowing.

grass sprouted in long, whippy strands
"Whippy" feels like a more adult adjective than David would use. But you might disagree.

And I really like David's logic about the bills!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

How did you manage to read it before I took it down? I do like David, though I'm afraid he's the only I enjoyed about the story. My next piece is supposed to be a viceral personal anecdote. I'm putting it off, or rather, drowning in Sanskrit memorization, but maybe I'll be able to do more with that.

Icarus

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

How did you manage to read it before I took it down?

*looks around* You posted it, and...I read it! ^_^

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I hate this creative writing class....