Slapping together a short story, already a page over....

[icarus]

Okay, assignment's in. Thanks for your help and suggestions.

I hated this (fragment of a) story, but sometimes you just have to put something on a page to do the assignment. Chatted with the professor after class and sure enough, the point was just to get a sample of our writing.

Comments

[mad_maudlin]

Hmm. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for, so:

1. I think a little more description of the neighbors' house would be good; just calling it "neat" doesn't do much for me, especially because I couldn't initially tell if you mean the slang or standard meaning.

2. Less information about the kids, actually, like the sister never eating. The story is really about the cartographer, right? The kids are just something for the narrator to ride around on. ::imagines a tiny narrator on the shoulders of a small child, lashing it with a riding crop. "Yar! Geeyup! Got to get to the next plot point!"::

3. Speaking of the cartographer, well, I'm not sure where you mean to go with him. The mail and his behavior implies some stuff, but I'm not sure it's clear enough. Do you mean him to be crazy, or crazy like a fox?

That's all I can think of right now. I hope it's what you want.

Thank you.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

1. Done

2. Took out the food thing. Actually, the story is about the kids, but there's no way to tell until the end. It's the ignored kids who end up making the call about the dog since they're only ones who know the guy stole it. They more or less decide that the old man deserves the dog more than neighbors.

3. The cartographer is a bit of a nut who has nothing but the neighbor's dog, to which he becomes very attached. He begins buying dog supplies (even though the dog's not his), playing with the ignored dog, and eventually when the neighbors sell their house -- he steals the dog rather than lose it. I put much more description of the cartographer into it, and made sure we got that he was attached to that dog.

Thank you. The story doesn't work without being finished, but it needs more than the allotted two pages (I'm already a page over). I know he just wants to see our writing styles, but I'm pretty bored with the assignment.

Icarus

Re: Thank you.

[mad_maudlin]

Bah, tell a story in two pages? Why are creative writing teachers so often nuts?

(There's a CW prof at my school who assigned a friend's class to "write a one-page novel about a superhero dressed as a ham.")

Re: Thank you.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

He said just to give two pages of a story, you didn't have to finish it. I chatted with him after class and, sure enough, it was really a way to get a writing sample out of each student so he could get a sense of where we were.

Icarus

[rike-tikki-tavi.livejournal.com]

At the moment it seems to be more a story about David and his sister, than the cartographer. Don't know if the challenge meant, that you have to put the cartographer somewhere in there or if he has to be the main character. From this snippet it sounds more like the first option.

I like David, though I'm still trying to figure out his age. The game he's playing reminds me of stuff I've seen smaller kids doing, but his observations and speech pattern is more that of a teen.

I'm not sure it that helps. *eyes tin of porn hopefully*

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I became very fond of David. He's in that odd preteen stage 11/12. I kind of want it to be about the kids, since they're the ones who make the call on the cartographer, but we'll see.

*pass the tin around*

Icarus

[teaphile.livejournal.com]

Once I read that the story had to involve a cartographer, I immediately thought that the reveal of his occupation through the mail was a little heavy-handed. So unless that actual letter is important to the story, you might want to think it over.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

The letter is important to the story, it sets up the guy's circumstances and why (I talked it over in chat and I immediately got the question why was he forced into early retirement). This is like a shortfics assignment: you work it in however you can. You never hear anything about his profession again, the rest is all about the kids noticing what he does with that dog.

But it doesn't matter. The assignment's in, done, I don't like the story and fortunately am not required to finish it.

I chatted with the professor after class and I guessed right -- this was just to get a writing sample from each student. Thank god he's already seen something better.

The truth of the matter is, I find literary fiction so dull I don't think I'll ever produce a good lit fic story. I'm sure sure you can tell how little I enjoyed this piece.

Icarus

[teaphile.livejournal.com]

Heh, yeah.

I don't like literary fiction much to read, but unfortunately my novels all tend that way. I have to work to put them in an SF context. In fact, my first NaNovel would be chick lit if the protagonist wasn't a guy.

And holy fuck, I just wrote "half" instead of "have". The migraine it progresseth mightily.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I love the way this is told from the viewpoint of the kid, with all the kidly observations and thoughts. They are what make it a character-driven piece as opposed to one that's just event-event-event. I differ in opinion from comments above; I LOVE the level of detail-- David's observation about his sister never eating is one of my favorite bits. It makes me care more about David, and therefore more about the story.

I feel like there should be more of a transition between With a shrug, David decided it was time to go home. and The next day David met his sister. Not a transition as much as a chapter break, or at least something that marks the end of that day. I'm imagining something like, "...it was time to go home. Later, he wished he'd stayed out a little longer. Dinner was pork chops, which he didn't like." Or something! It could even be something foreshadowing.

grass sprouted in long, whippy strands
"Whippy" feels like a more adult adjective than David would use. But you might disagree.

And I really like David's logic about the bills!

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

How did you manage to read it before I took it down? I do like David, though I'm afraid he's the only I enjoyed about the story. My next piece is supposed to be a viceral personal anecdote. I'm putting it off, or rather, drowning in Sanskrit memorization, but maybe I'll be able to do more with that.

Icarus

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

How did you manage to read it before I took it down?

*looks around* You posted it, and...I read it! ^_^

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I hate this creative writing class....