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icarusSix months ago I told ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
epicyclical (I think it was her, either that or she replied to it in someone else's journal) that I clicked on a something called 'Fandom Wank' from a link in someone's journal once, blinked at it, "who are these people and why do I care?" and hit the Back button thinking "that's three seconds of my life I'll never get back." (And if I've ever been on this thing don't tell me because I honestly don't know and like it that way.)
Well, I heard about a wank-thing in someone else's journal and... okay, I clicked for the hot icon, but I did try to read it because I realised I knew both parties.
I see why people do this wank stuff. It's rubber-necking. A little like a car crash in slow motion. The argument developes from it's petty origins, veers out of control, wipes out several other cars (as people choose up sides) and then crosses into on-coming traffic. It's horrific, yet there's something amazing about the amount of damage just talking on ones cell-phone (or a livejournal) can do. Mere words.
But after about three or four comments, I felt a little ill with the mean-spiritedness. I showed it towildernessguru and he got depressed -- and he didn't even know the people. "Why did you show me that?" he asked. I looked for the bottom line of the argument, and it was simple and rather petty. Nothing you could bring into a court of law, just a matter of opinion, though I suppose a case for defamation in the aftermath could be made if you worked really hard at it. A lawyer once told me that companies don't get in trouble for what they do, that's usually fairly simple. But the weird things they do to deal with it is where they cross the line into illegal territory.
So I propose a Wank Survival Kit.
Airbags and good Anti-lock breaks.
If a simple discussion starts to skid, the ability to stop and the use of some patience can keep the car from wiping out others.sparrohawk once said, "If you just leave it alone, it'll usually go away." Always remember the original argument and who the original argument was with -- it was rather small, n'est pas? Just a matter of opinion?
Emergency food supply and blankets.
When feelings are hurt it is best to tend to the injured right away. The temptation is to start to blame and choose up sides to retaliate. Instead, send private emails to friends, and chat in Y!M, etc. There is no wank a good vat of Haagen Dazs can't solve.
Walk away from the scene of the accident.
While I would never recommend this for a real accident if you have a ten-car pile-up in Wankdom, it's best not to stand around watching. This takes iron control. But a few things can help:
- never read other people's wanks. (Don't get in the habit.)
- never throw your own opinion in the fray of other people's wanks. (It is addictive.)
- don't bookmark wankfest sites. (If you don't know where the action is, so much the better -- you won't know where to look when it's you.)
- don't check the LJs of the "offending parties." (Be generous. Give them their time to vent.)
It might take a time out from fandom or week out of LiveJournal to be able to do this, give yourself some time to cool off. In fact, I have a wonderful idea: write a story!
Consult with your inner attorney.
Once you've finished your third vat of Haagen Dazs, have spoken with some supportive friends who've told you everything you want to hear and are feeling better... try to examine your own part in the matter. Now don't blame yourself. We're all only human. But how could this have been prevented? Examine:
- what was was the original argument again?
- why was I so upset about something so absurd?
- did it tie in to some other deeper issues that I can use this help me?
This is a private process and good mental health. Learn from it. Then take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen to you again.
Dispute resolution.
This takes tact and class - and guts - but if mature parties are involved, a simple private email to the original person can go a long way to resolving a problem. And you might either emerge with a friend or at least develop a new-found respect for the other person. (Icarus nods tospare_change.)
epicyclical (I think it was her, either that or she replied to it in someone else's journal) that I clicked on a something called 'Fandom Wank' from a link in someone's journal once, blinked at it, "who are these people and why do I care?" and hit the Back button thinking "that's three seconds of my life I'll never get back." (And if I've ever been on this thing don't tell me because I honestly don't know and like it that way.)Well, I heard about a wank-thing in someone else's journal and... okay, I clicked for the hot icon, but I did try to read it because I realised I knew both parties.
I see why people do this wank stuff. It's rubber-necking. A little like a car crash in slow motion. The argument developes from it's petty origins, veers out of control, wipes out several other cars (as people choose up sides) and then crosses into on-coming traffic. It's horrific, yet there's something amazing about the amount of damage just talking on ones cell-phone (or a livejournal) can do. Mere words.
But after about three or four comments, I felt a little ill with the mean-spiritedness. I showed it to
wildernessguru and he got depressed -- and he didn't even know the people. "Why did you show me that?" he asked. I looked for the bottom line of the argument, and it was simple and rather petty. Nothing you could bring into a court of law, just a matter of opinion, though I suppose a case for defamation in the aftermath could be made if you worked really hard at it. A lawyer once told me that companies don't get in trouble for what they do, that's usually fairly simple. But the weird things they do to deal with it is where they cross the line into illegal territory.So I propose a Wank Survival Kit.
Airbags and good Anti-lock breaks.
If a simple discussion starts to skid, the ability to stop and the use of some patience can keep the car from wiping out others.
sparrohawk once said, "If you just leave it alone, it'll usually go away." Always remember the original argument and who the original argument was with -- it was rather small, n'est pas? Just a matter of opinion?Emergency food supply and blankets.
When feelings are hurt it is best to tend to the injured right away. The temptation is to start to blame and choose up sides to retaliate. Instead, send private emails to friends, and chat in Y!M, etc. There is no wank a good vat of Haagen Dazs can't solve.
Walk away from the scene of the accident.
While I would never recommend this for a real accident if you have a ten-car pile-up in Wankdom, it's best not to stand around watching. This takes iron control. But a few things can help:
- never read other people's wanks. (Don't get in the habit.)
- never throw your own opinion in the fray of other people's wanks. (It is addictive.)
- don't bookmark wankfest sites. (If you don't know where the action is, so much the better -- you won't know where to look when it's you.)
- don't check the LJs of the "offending parties." (Be generous. Give them their time to vent.)
It might take a time out from fandom or week out of LiveJournal to be able to do this, give yourself some time to cool off. In fact, I have a wonderful idea: write a story!
Consult with your inner attorney.
Once you've finished your third vat of Haagen Dazs, have spoken with some supportive friends who've told you everything you want to hear and are feeling better... try to examine your own part in the matter. Now don't blame yourself. We're all only human. But how could this have been prevented? Examine:
- what was was the original argument again?
- why was I so upset about something so absurd?
- did it tie in to some other deeper issues that I can use this help me?
This is a private process and good mental health. Learn from it. Then take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen to you again.
Dispute resolution.
This takes tact and class - and guts - but if mature parties are involved, a simple private email to the original person can go a long way to resolving a problem. And you might either emerge with a friend or at least develop a new-found respect for the other person. (Icarus nods to
spare_change.)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 12:54 pm (UTC)I find the whole thing cowardly and cruel.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 01:22 pm (UTC)I feel the same. My boyfriend is the sort who rips people behind their backs all the time. Sometimes his observations are startling and amusing, sometimes I just can't stand it and say enough. Typical day with WG:
Driving down the road. WG points to man watering the median. "Look at him. He's watering weeds! Typical government employee." and "Oh check out that attractive cow-print seatcover. Yee-haw, where can I get one just like it?"
There's just this particular mindset that points fingers at other people. But the same people are always so sensitive about the same flaws in themselves.
Icarus
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 08:34 am (UTC)Would your boyfriend act differently if he knew his words were accessible to the person he was criticising? At f_w we post publically and our comments stay out there for ages. If we say stupid stuff, then we can get called on it. If we try to delete our stupid stuff or backpedal too hard, others in the group are going to rag on us about it.
There's just this particular mindset that points fingers at other people. But the same people are always so sensitive about the same flaws in themselves.
If fandom_wank does anything that's good, it does help us recognize and laugh at their own flaws. "That person is so dumb, I'd never do that" is not nearly as funny as "OMG that's so dumb, I did the same thing last week!"
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 08:56 am (UTC)Icarus
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 09:34 am (UTC)But if he were with a group like F_W in a public place making these statements, then he would be comfortable with it, because everyone else would be saying the same thing.
You can't rag on gay people at f_w because the gay members will bitch at you. You can't pick on autistic people, because the autistic members will rip you a new one. You can't make dumb remarks about the UK, or America or Australia or Canada or France, because the members from those countries will straighten you out. You can't say "all whatsit fans are morons" or the whatsit fans will descend upon you with a mighty wrath. Hell, we can't even pick on the furries (much). So, ah... no. Not a hive mind. Not everyone is saying the same thing.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 08:58 am (UTC)Icarus
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 09:42 am (UTC)As far as actual harassment: going into other people's personal space to flame or mock them, emailing them, harassing them offline? Nope. Not good. Not funny. No way will we go along with that.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 10:24 am (UTC)I'm wondering how much an online identity is shaped by online community, what you choose to express and what you don't.
F_W seems at the outset to be a place where you can anonymously vent your spleen and say whatever you want - total freedom - but there's enough community identification that people feel a need to defend it. There's a difference between social mores and hivemind and it's the social rules that I mean. The unspoken ones, not just the TOU.
Icarus
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 11:09 am (UTC)Livejournal vs. Fandom_wank? Let's take an example. I got annoyed at someone here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/viggo_daily/133928.html) on a livejournal community. I didn't haul off and call her a moron or anything. I vented here (http://www.journalfen.net/~sagralisse/27729.html). That's in my JF journal and not in a community. The opinions there are about as snarky as I normally get. If I felt that the other people were really over-the-top wanky (as opposed to me finding them annoying), I would probably have worded it about the same in a F_W or i_wank post.
If you're asking me whether my friends influence my behavior, then yes. At JF (the host for f_w) my friends tend to give me a place where I can be opinionated without worrying that someone will get upset. Somehow we'll figure out a way to laugh, whether it's at other people's silliness or our own. On LJ I usually associate with a wider range of fans. I'm not particularly interested in starting wank and flamewars, so I'm more circumspect.
F_W seems at the outset to be a place where you can anonymously vent your spleen and say whatever you want... might be true if people posted there anonymously. Most don't. I've seen boards that encouraged anon posting, and yes, they can be viper pits.
There's a difference between social mores and hivemind and it's the social rules that I mean. The unspoken ones, not just the TOU.
What rules do you think we have?
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 11:30 am (UTC)I'm learning as I go actually.
You're talking to someone who has zero exposure to F_W, and has seen the group characterised as the epitomy of everything wrong in fandom (or at least a very big distraction from valuable porn ;). I was startled to find it even defended, though I take the people who've obviously come over from F_W to defend it with a grain a salt (I have three posting in my journal now). But
Icarus
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 12:22 pm (UTC)You're talking to someone who has zero exposure to F_W, and has seen the group characterised as the epitomy of everything wrong in fandom
You can hear what f_w people and anti-f_w people have to say, but the only way to know for sure what it's like is to spend some time there. Try voicing an opinion on some of the threads, and see how you're received. If you know ahead of time that you hate it, then that's probably not an option, but you're welcome if you get curious.
By the way, thank you for letting me barge in and defend the group. You've been very hospitable. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2004-04-01 01:06 pm (UTC)I just want to tell you that I had the most brilliant practical joke pulled on me. Someone I know (a long term fandomer) emailed me privately to say, "I happened to know the person you've been talking to and you should watch out because..." and she proceeded to make up all this stuff you had supposedly done. It had me freaked out for a bit, until I realised... wait-a-minute... and checked the date.
Augh!
Icarus *still giggling and red-faced*
This was a good one.
Beware: not worksafe icon.
Date: 2004-03-30 01:29 pm (UTC)I haven't taken the time to do that additional drawing of WG's turgid cock, so here's a little something to tide you over. *points to icon.*
Icarus
Re: Beware: not worksafe icon.
Date: 2004-03-30 02:07 pm (UTC)*does a double take*
I haven't taken the time to do that additional drawing of WG's turgid cock...
What's that again?