Fandom Wank - I actually read one for the first time

[icarus]

Six months ago I told epicyclical (I think it was her, either that or she replied to it in someone else's journal) that I clicked on a something called 'Fandom Wank' from a link in someone's journal once, blinked at it, "who are these people and why do I care?" and hit the Back button thinking "that's three seconds of my life I'll never get back." (And if I've ever been on this thing don't tell me because I honestly don't know and like it that way.)

Well, I heard about a wank-thing in someone else's journal and... okay, I clicked for the hot icon, but I did try to read it because I realised I knew both parties.

I see why people do this wank stuff. It's rubber-necking. A little like a car crash in slow motion. The argument developes from it's petty origins, veers out of control, wipes out several other cars (as people choose up sides) and then crosses into on-coming traffic. It's horrific, yet there's something amazing about the amount of damage just talking on ones cell-phone (or a livejournal) can do. Mere words.

But after about three or four comments, I felt a little ill with the mean-spiritedness. I showed it to wildernessguru and he got depressed -- and he didn't even know the people. "Why did you show me that?" he asked. I looked for the bottom line of the argument, and it was simple and rather petty. Nothing you could bring into a court of law, just a matter of opinion, though I suppose a case for defamation in the aftermath could be made if you worked really hard at it. A lawyer once told me that companies don't get in trouble for what they do, that's usually fairly simple. But the weird things they do to deal with it is where they cross the line into illegal territory.

So I propose a Wank Survival Kit.

Airbags and good Anti-lock breaks.

If a simple discussion starts to skid, the ability to stop and the use of some patience can keep the car from wiping out others. sparrohawk once said, "If you just leave it alone, it'll usually go away." Always remember the original argument and who the original argument was with -- it was rather small, n'est pas? Just a matter of opinion?

Emergency food supply and blankets.

When feelings are hurt it is best to tend to the injured right away. The temptation is to start to blame and choose up sides to retaliate. Instead, send private emails to friends, and chat in Y!M, etc. There is no wank a good vat of Haagen Dazs can't solve.

Walk away from the scene of the accident.

While I would never recommend this for a real accident if you have a ten-car pile-up in Wankdom, it's best not to stand around watching. This takes iron control. But a few things can help:

- never read other people's wanks. (Don't get in the habit.)
- never throw your own opinion in the fray of other people's wanks. (It is addictive.)
- don't bookmark wankfest sites. (If you don't know where the action is, so much the better -- you won't know where to look when it's you.)
- don't check the LJs of the "offending parties." (Be generous. Give them their time to vent.)

It might take a time out from fandom or week out of LiveJournal to be able to do this, give yourself some time to cool off. In fact, I have a wonderful idea: write a story!

Consult with your inner attorney.

Once you've finished your third vat of Haagen Dazs, have spoken with some supportive friends who've told you everything you want to hear and are feeling better... try to examine your own part in the matter. Now don't blame yourself. We're all only human. But how could this have been prevented? Examine:

- what was was the original argument again?
- why was I so upset about something so absurd?
- did it tie in to some other deeper issues that I can use this help me?

This is a private process and good mental health. Learn from it. Then take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen to you again.

Dispute resolution.

This takes tact and class - and guts - but if mature parties are involved, a simple private email to the original person can go a long way to resolving a problem. And you might either emerge with a friend or at least develop a new-found respect for the other person. (Icarus nods to spare_change.)

Comments

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

So you're pretty involved in F_W. Then my disliking it must seem like a personal affront.

Actually, I graduated from a very small school (graduating class of eleven) and at times I was the only girl in class. Not much problem with the mean girls in the halls. But the prom was awfully small. ;)

Yes, hyperbole is a useless argument. In Buddhist debate, there is a defender and a challenger, and the defender is not allowed to propose counter-arguments. They can only answer the questions posed by the challenger. The system is designed to keep the discussion focused.

Icarus

[sagralisse.livejournal.com]

I'm not affronted. I'd just prefer you to dislike f_w for what it is rather than what it isn't.

Probably why I'm debating with you is that I truly dislike it when "getting wanked" is the big issue. Some comments in here indicated that some people go friends-only just for that. My personal opinion is that you should try to avoid wank and flame wars and all that because it hurts your friends and fellow fans. Some of those people care about you, and they get upset when you're upset. You end up spending too much time on hurt feelings and sniping rather than enjoying your fandom. The opinion of a bunch of snarky strangers should pale in comparison to that.

I like your guidelines. If everyone followed them I'd have to get another hobby.

Sorry about wandering all over the place, but I'm just trying to get why the behind-their-back thing is such a problem, given the alternative. Having people laugh at you on the internet is uncomfortable, whether or not you find out about it while you're mad or later on when you've cooled off, whether or not you can read the posts or not, and whether you're confronted in a way that makes you feel the need to defend yourself or not. We just choose to laugh at people in our space and not in theirs.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

I like your guidelines. If everyone followed them I'd have to get another hobby.

*snort* If I followed them I'd've not lost two friends a couple months back.

but I'm just trying to get why the behind-their-back thing is such a problem, given the alternative.

You don't find gossiping behind people's backs petty, small-minded and cowardly?

Look. When someone comes to me with a complaint about someone, I tell them "talk to her. I can't do anything about this situation," or I try to counsel them in some way, so that they can see their part or where their ability is to change the situation. When it comes to gossip, I'm not much of a player. The mere concept of making a sport out of it I find honestly shocking.

Icarus

[sagralisse.livejournal.com]

You don't find gossiping behind people's backs petty, small-minded and cowardly?

You're using two loaded terms now: "gossip", and "behind people's backs." In order to be gossip, I would think that the wanks would have to be based on rumor, depend on second-hand information, and relate to intimate or personal knowledge. Since most of the stuff posted there have links to publically available information, I don't see how the term applies.

So yeah, I think everyone would agree that slander, petty gossiping and spreading second-hand untrue rumors about poor innocent people who have never harmed anyone and just want to get along except they can't because the heartless bitches terrorize them at every opportunity but are so cowardly that they have to hide behind their big horrible gang of thugs is wrong. But I thought we were talking about fandom_wank.

Look. When someone comes to me with a complaint about someone, I tell them "talk to her. I can't do anything about this situation," or I try to counsel them in some way, so that they can see their part or where their ability is to change the situation.

Me too! More people should come to me for advice, I think.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

It seems to me you're just here to defend F_W at any cost, because you're a member and you participate in this, and therefore it reflects on you. But maybe you've lurked in my journal for the last year and are a long-term fan of my fics, and are just now deciding to speak up. That's always a (remote) possibility.

The bottom line is, I don't think much of it. I read a wank and I was not impressed. Why be so defensive if you think it's okay? This reminds me of the nuns at the monastery.

They'd whisper about ani Sonam this and that, and then as soon as they heard Sonam coming -- suddenly they'd switch the subject, pretend to be doing something else.

Ani Sonam would look around the room, "what is this, a convention?" and I'd just shake my head. If they had to switch the topic, if Sonam couldn't hear it without being hurt, shouldn't that clue the nuns in that what they're doing is wrong? They all looked a little guilty.

What bothered me most is that one nun would be mad at Sonam, but another wouldn't. But by the time they were all done gossiping, they all were mad. It was all true, yet Sonam hadn't done anything really horrible. But the gossip escalated it. Pretty soon they had this list of complaints to rehash. And poor Sonam, she was only good nun there -- to borrow a line from one of my fics, "Your moral sensibilities have handed them the playing field."

Look, I've gotta work on this WiP. What you're attempting is a lost cause -- I've read a wank, and have come to my own conclusion based on what I've seen with my own eyes.

Icarus

[sagralisse.livejournal.com]

Listen, I'm going to have to end my part of this. I'm losing respect for you and that makes it difficult for me to remain civil. From your own statements in the thread you have minimal first-hand knowledge about fandom_wank, but have rather based your opinion on what all your friends think. In other words, it's all based on gossip and second-hand knowledge. You stated that you take our comments with a grain of salt, which indicates that you've prejudged everyone in the group based on that gossip. You created a thread in which you and your friends could gossip about how mean we are. Did you provide us a link? No. By your definition that's "behind their backs." Did you contact anyone at fandom_wank privately? No. Yet without a single speck of irony you can tell me what the group is, what it's about and how we should act. There's no way I can argue with that without being rude about it.

So anyway, have a nice life.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

LOL! It's not fun being wanked is it? I'm sorry, I'm laughing right now, because I read the wank about electricandroid and gmth, and what you just accused me of is exactly what I saw over there. But I thought I was very civil and gave you your say.

Icarus

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

Give him a bit of a break, he was just trying to show you what 'our' point of few is. He did stay civil.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Kiji, if I were to go to fandom wank to state my point of view in that journal, could I expect to be treated with anywhere near the decency I've shown here? *doubtful look*

Icarus

[angeluszion.livejournal.com]

Probably not..

They'd mock you and make you feel like an ass for doing so.

~NAA

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Correct. 101 comments in one day, and I think I was pretty decent to people. I know more about Fandom Wank, though my opinion hasn't drastically changed.

Icarus

[angeluszion.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed, you were admirable in your respect for others.

May I friend you?

~NAA

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Compliments will get you everywhere. ;)

Friend? *shrugs* Sure, if you like.

Icarus

[angeluszion.livejournal.com]

Yep that they do,

*friends*

~NAA